Clean...

I saw my doctor today and got the good news that I was hoping for... my CT scan came back...

CLEAN

I can't even describe the relief that I feel that have another good scan. It's so stressful to do these follow up appointments... knowing what's in store if the scan isn't clean.

My doctor said that my lymph nodes are even smaller than they were at my last scan, which was 5 months ago. So even not being on chemo they are still shrinking. Less that 1 cm which is what we want!

Six months...

Six months after chemo...

... I worked 50 hours last week. I'm so glad to have a day off. I'm exhausted...
... No one at work knows that I had cancer (except the girl who hired me). Sometimes I feel like I lead a double life.
... It's now been 1 1/2 months since I stared working with the doctors and am finally starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of this job and I just might survive this. I have to say it's a pretty amazing thing to be on the other side of the curtain.
... With that being said, I am now busier than I ever have been before. When I'm not working, I'm just trying to do laundry, dishes, spending whatever time I can with my boys... and sewing. Those are my priorities... family, work, and sewing. Because I have to do a little something for myself to have some down time.
... We are all starting to settle into this new schedule. Tru loves the people who watch him, which makes it a little easier for me to leave him. Trent is getting the hang of me not being around so much too ;).
... For the first time in our marriage our freezer is full of frozen pizza.
... I'm finally starting to feel like I have some hair on my head! It's about 3 inches (in some parts) now.
... I've now lost all of my chemo weight (10 ish lbs). Now to lose the baby weight... from a baby I had 1 1/2 years ago... that is not even here... sometimes I feel like the emotional baggage weighs a lot more than the physical.
... In my dreams at night I either have long beautiful hair, or my hair is all falling out again. I'm going to go ahead and diagnose myself with post traumatic stress disorder (and not just because of the hair).
... I've decided that all three of us are going to grow out our hair.
... I'm trying to focus a lot more on keeping my body healthy. Taking good vitamins everyday, making sure I get enough sleep, eating good healthy food (just ignore the frozen pizza comment I made earlier... it's not for me), trying to manage my stress (I think I struggle with this one the most). I just want to feel good and I'm not quite back to that yet.
... I can now run 3 miles without stopping.
... I have not been able to wear my wedding ring since December. I weight less now than I did in December so I'm not what the heck is going on! I'm trying to decide if I should pay $100 to get it re sized or just wait till I lose the weight (who knows how long that will take). I really miss wearing it...
... In this last week I do finally feel like I'm turning the corner, starting to head back uphill instead of down. Maybe that's because I've now been off chemo for as long as I was on... not sure.

I'm just glad to be where I am today instead of where I was 6 month or a year ago.

*** Now for the out takes***

I usually do this when my boy is napping... but instead I had a helper today. He wanted to pose for a picture too. Such an adorable boy! I'm one lucky mama!

September 4...

One year ago from today was when I was officially diagnosed with Hodgkin's. I'm so grateful to be where I am today than where I was a year ago.

I feel like I should be celebrating or something! But I'm always finding a reason to celebrate not having cancer and Trent keeps saying, "Haven't we already celebrated this seven times???"

Ya... I'm pretty sure I'm going to be celebrating not having cancer for the rest of my life!

Four months...

What life is like four months after chemo...

... had my first haircut yesterday. Just had the back trimmed up so that it wasn't longer than the top. That's not quite the look I'm going for. So the curls are gone for now, but they'll be back.

... had my first job interview today... maybe it will be my last for a while (that means it went well).

... potty training Tru finally, more on that later.

... made homemade peppermint patties with my friend yesterday. They are delicious.

... trying to figure out what life is going to be like after next week when Trent starts school.

... finally feel well enough to be getting some deep cleaning done around here which is much needed.

... looking forward to getting my port out Wednesday. That will be so nice.

Yes, I have a lot to be smiling about right now.

and the results are...

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!

My scan came back showing the same results as last time... meaning something is lighting up in the scan, but they don't think it's cancer. They think it might be my thymus lighting up (your thymus is a gland that is behind your sternum and in front of your heart. It is part of your immune system). Or they think it could even just be the blood flowing through my aorta, or it could be scar tissue... either way it has not grown at all so they do not think that it's cancer.

Oh sweet relief! I'm having another scan done in four months. It will just be a CT scan because my doc is not super happy with how PET scans keep lighting up on people like me, causing worry. He says that he has a lot of other Hodgkin patients with the same thing going on. He said that my CT scan showed absolutely nothing.

I'm so relieved... it will be nice to be able to look for a job without the worry of "well maybe I still have cancer" hanging over my head. Trent can start his program and we can start moving forward with our life. I'm so grateful that things are going well...

pic

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Tomorrow is the day that I find out if I still have cancer, or I don't. I honestly have no idea as to which way this is going to go. I don't dare entertain the thought that it's really gone, because I don't want to be horribly disappointed if it's not. So much rides on this. Trent is all set to start nursing school in a few weeks, but I don't know if he can do that if I still have cancer.

So the real question is what do I do today? So that I don't drive myself insane. I think I will clean... it keeps me busy, it's definitely needed around here, and regardless of what the test results show I can come home to a clean house instead of a dirty one... which always feels better. I find it's easier to work on the things that you can control, instead of the things that you can't. I have no control over what happens with my cancer. But I can control if my couch gets vacuumed out... or if the fridge gets cleaned... or what we eat for dinner. These things I have some say over, so I'm going to make the best of it!

Sunrise Hike...

When I realized that the weekend of the Brighton Reunion was going to be the same weekend that marks one year from when I discovered my cancer... I immediately had a great big goal in mind. Up at Brighton they do a hike called the sunrise hike where you wake up at 3 AM and hike to the top of a mountain peak and watch the sunrise. It was one of my favorite hikes when I worked there and I used to gladly made the sacrifice to wake up at that awful hour to watch the sunrise. Once I realized they would be doing this hike at the reunion on the morning of July 31 (one year from discovering my lump) I really really wanted to do this. It just seemed like such a huge thing, to be able to make it to the top of this mountain peak exactly a year later and be there when the sun came up.

I knew that it would be a stretch... that only four months after finishing chemo I might not be up to hiking for three hours to see the sunrise. This was the main reason why I've been trying to push myself to exercise and get some energy back so that I would be able to do this hike. I didn't tell very many people about this goal because I didn't want others to know how completely disappointed I would be if it didn't happen.

I had asked around to some of my Brighton friends that I knew would be there if they were planning on doing the hike... so that I wouldn't be alone! Once I got sick I knew there was no way on earth that I would be able to do the hike. I was pretty sad about it, but I decided that just being able to be up at Brighton would be enough...

When I got up to camp my good friend Pebblez asked me if I was planning on doing the hike. I told her how I had been so sick and I knew that there was no way I would physically be able to do it. I told her how it was the one year anniversary of finding my cancer and how I really wanted to do this, but it wasn't going to happen. Well... Miss Pebblez is good friends with the Camp Director Floss (the head of Brighton Camp) as am I... and she went and talked to Floss and got special permission to take me on the four wheeler up to the saddle and then we would hike the rest of the way to the top. Someone even had to ride down the canyon that night to get extra gas for the four wheeler so that we could make the trip. Pebblez husband who was there even went the night before to make sure he could get the four wheeler around the fence on the road so that we could make the trip. I tell you... I have never been so touched that someone would do something like this for me. Really, I just cry whenever I think about it.

So that was that! This dream I have had all year of making it to the top of the mountain was going to come true. I was so excited... this hike was pretty much the highlight of the trip for me. I have always called this mountain Mount Majestic... but it is also called Clayton's Peak. I'm sure that I knew that, but I had forgotten that until the night before when they were announcing the leaving time and details of the hike. Clayton's Peak... this hike suddenly had even more meaning for me than before.

Here I am pointing at Clayton's Peak. If you look close towards the top of the mountain you see a little road. That's the saddle that we road the four wheeler to and we hiked the rest of the way to the top.

So Saturday morning I was up and ready by 4 AM to make the ride. Zazu and Pebblez (hubby and wife) woke up to take me on the ride. I asked Zazu if he was planning on doing this hike if it wasn't to ride me up and he said no. Isn't that so nice of him! Plus they have three adorable little kids they had to go home to that day and they still woke up at the crack of dawn to do this for me.

Here we are at the saddle (this pic was after the hike). It took us about 40 minutes from this point to make it to the top. It was hard... we were stopping every few minutes for me to catch my breath and straighten my shaky legs. At this point it is just rock scrambling and so it was a lot of lifting your legs and hoisting yourself over rocks. I have no muscle tone in my legs anymore to do such things so this was a big challenge. We took it slow though and I was able to make it.

See... a whole lot of rocks!

I made it!! Waiting for the sunrise. The valley you see below is Heber Valley.

Me and Miss Sunny! There were so many girls that I worked with who went on this hike with me. It was so nice to have them up here on the top with me.

Here are all the girls I worked with that made it to the top with me. Danza, Pebblez, Cookie, Kodak and me...

And here she is... in all of her beauty and wonder. The sun made her remarkable appearance and made the whole journey worth it! It was a beautiful sunrise! I have always loved seeing the sunrise better than seeing the sunset because in order to see a beautiful sunrise you have to work for it. You have to get up really early, and to really see it like this you have to be really high up. It was remarkable...

Me and my miracle worker Pebblez. I will never forget what she did for me. She pulled the strings and made it possible for me to do this hike. I'm so thankful for her and her selfless attitude. Her friendship and love. I love you Pebblez!!!

I was literally on top of the world! It was amazing! I loved being up there. We got there about 30 minutes before the rest of the hikers made it to the top. It gave me some time to soak it all in and reflect on what it took to get to this point... both the hike and just in my life. While we were riding up on the four wheeler I couldn't help but think about how similar an experience it was to what I went through with having cancer. I was sitting on the front of the four wheeler, being propelled forward in the dark and the wind. It was a little scary, to be honest, but I couldn't help but think of how similar that was to going through my trial. I am the one that had to ride in the front, do the chemo, go through all the scans and appointments. But I did not do it alone. I had a huge support group that pretty much carried me the whole way. This was never a trial that I had to face by myself, I was helped every step of the way.

Even when we got to the end when I had to hike up to the top, that was tough. I just don't have the muscle tone in my legs anymore to continuously lift up my leg and hoist myself onto rock after rock. It reminded me a lot of the last few months of chemo. I was so tired and exhausted but I knew that I had to just keep going until I was done, no matter how tired and sore I was.

What started as a cool goal I wanted to achieve on my year mark, turned into a very uplifting and spiritual experience for me. As I was sitting on the top of the mountain and we were all waiting for the sun to make it's appearance I got that tight feeling in my chest. You know the one you get when you are sitting in a fast and testimony meeting and you feel like you need to share you testimony. Yep, that's the one... it happened on the mountain. I felt a little dumb but I couldn't ignore the feeling. So I told the 20 or so other hikers up there about my experience and was able to bear my testimony to them. It was a wonderful and touching moment in my life. My faith and testimony were strengthened through this experience. It was confirmed to me again that Heavenly Father knows me. He knows the desires of my heart. He loves me and watches over me and my family. He is the one who carries me through the hard moments in life and rejoices with me in the wonderful ones. He loves me.

Thank you again to everyone who made this moment possible for me. I could never had made my journey through cancer alone or my journey to the peak alone. We are all in this big world together, helping each other out in whatever obstacles we are facing.

Life is beautiful...

Meeting Lena...

While in Utah a few weeks ago I was able to meet one of my cancer friends Lena. She also had Hodgkin's, she is about 6 months ahead of me in her treatment and is doing great! She works close to where my parents live so I stopped by her work one day to say hi. She is adorable, such a fun personality. It was nice to be able to meet her in person finally. And how much do you love her fun hair... so cute!

Indeterminate...

So I saw the doc today. Doctor Bob we like to call him, I'm still not convinced that he really knows what he's talking about most of the time... but that's a whole other issue.

First thing he says when he walks in the room is, "Did you ever get a bone marrow biopsy?" Ummm... excuse me? Are you really asking me this question. "Yes, I did, it was clean." "Oh. Okay, that's good." Wow... he has been treating me for the last five months and didn't have a clue if my bone marrow was clean? That's scary to me... I was afraid he was going to want to do another one, but he did not. Holy cow...

So anyway... the scan results came back not as wonderful as I had hoped. It said that there was some low level activity up by my aorta. All of the lymph nodes are normal size, so the tumors are gone, but this one little area lit up on the scan.

In doctor language, "Your scan showed intermediate activity, so it's indeterminate if you have active cancer or not." The game plan is that we wait. We wait three months and then I have to do another Pet scan and a CT scan to see if it has grown at all. If it's grown, then I still have active cancer. If it hasn't grown, then it's probably scar tissue from the chemo.

Honestly, I've known this since last Friday when I went and picked up my scan results myself from the radiology place. Did you know that you can do that? Whenever you have any type of test done like this, biopsy or scan, you can go get your own results because they are YOUR medical records. But I obviously needed to talk to my doctor before I really knew what was going on with this because I wasn't sure what he was going to want to do. I was honestly pretty nervous that he was going to want to start radiation, so I'm really relieved today that he wants to wait it out.

I'm not nervous. My scan in December showed no activity and then I did 8 more treatments after that. My other friends who have had Hodgkin's have had similar results in their scans after chemo. In the same spot even. So I honestly think that's it's probably just scar tissue.

I have to leave my port in until we know for sure... which is a bummer but it's really not that bad. I have to go have it flushed ever six weeks. I had it flushed today and that was not fun. It hurts and you can taste the saline and heparin in your mouth when they do it. But I'm not on chemo right now which is wonderful. My hair is growing in and I'm getting my energy back. I've been working out and feeling really great. So yes, I'm happy, I feel good. We will just see what everything says in 3 months!

Meg and Emma...

Me and sweet baby Emma. This picture makes me so happy. I'm staring at her wondering how a little baby could have so much hair! And maybe she is staring at me wondering how I could be so so so bald...

However, can you see the five o'clock shadow all over my head? Yep, it's coming back my friends, it's coming back...

Done!

Had my last cocktail of poison today... it's so nice to be done!

This is my "warrior" picture. Bald head, drawn on eyebrows, no eyelashes, yellowish skin from the chemo, completely totally utterly exhausted eyes... this is me at the bottom.

Just wait till you see me at the top...

Emotions...

As I pulled away from the docs today I couldn't stop the tears from rolling...

I only have to do this one more time...

I have done this ELEVEN TIMES!

I'm going to be able to eat a salad soon, I'm going to be able to eat an apple soon. You better believe the first date Trent and I got on post chemo we will be eating sushi... lots of raw sushi (I never realized how much I love raw sushi until I couldn't have it anymore.)

I'm going to be able to go to church.

I'm going to be able to go on a run eventually.

I'm going to feel okay about leaving the house without a hat on... eventually. Even just to take the garbage out.

I've never been in prison before... thankfully... but in a lot of ways I've felt like I've been in prison for a while here. I feel like finishing this will give me my freedom back... freedom from this disease and all that comes with it.

Now that is something worth crying a little about don't you think?

Strength...

For it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength...

Mosiah 4:27

Before I even went to the doctor to see what this lump in my neck was all about, I had Trent give me a priesthood blessing. Trent is a very simple man, and I was not surprised that he gave me a very simple, yet specific blessing. In this blessing he said that I would be able to get things organized, that I would still be able to tend to my household duties, and that I would know good health again someday. I was pretty upset after the blessing, because that did not make it sound like this was just going to be a cyst like I was hoping. It sounded like I was in for the long hall with this lump... and he was right. However, I have gained a new appreciation and testimony of the power of priesthood blessings, as these three things have indeed come to pass (well, except for the last one... but it will.)

When I first started chemo I was so scared that I would not be able to take care of Tru during these six months. I was so worried that I would have to ship him off for our families to take care of and that I would be so sad and depressed to not have him around. It has been a huge HUGE blessing that I have been able to take care of him for this long.

I'm the type of person who has a really hard time asking for help. I like being independent, and I like having control over my life. However, President's Day was a real eye opener for me. I had Trent home because of the holiday. Usually Monday is the first day that I am on my own after a chemo treatment. This Monday... I spent the whole day in bed in extreme pain. It really scared Trent, knowing that had it not been a holiday he would be gone the whole day. So we decided that for the rest of the treatments we were going to see if someone could come stay with us for a few days or ship Tru off somewhere so that he could be taken care of.

Again... I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to help me. People who don't even hesitate to come to my rescue when I need them so badly. For my last treatment my sweet friend Taylor came... I'm so grateful for her. As I sat here in extreme pain again for three days, she took care of the rest. I was so happy to hear Tru laugh almost the whole day straight playing with her boys. That made me so happy. I could go on and on about how grateful I am for Taylor... she truly has a heart of gold.

I have more help coming this week and help for my final treatment. I'm swallowing my pride and admitting whole hearted that I can no longer do this by myself. The towel has been thrown in. I'm sure that I could try and do it by myself... but back to not running faster than we have strength... I would be doing that. It's okay to let people help you when you need it. I'm learning that lesson right now...

So ya, tomorrow is #11... and then comes #12. My last chemo will be on March 25th. I feel like I've said that a million times.... but I really can't wait. This has been the hardest thing that I have physically done in my life. I've often thought about which is harder... losing a baby or going through cancer. The answer is that they are different, they are not the same. Cancer is hard physically, while losing a baby is hard emotionally. Sure there are emotions with cancer and there is a physical aspect with having a baby, but that's how it makes sense in my head. Cancer is the hardest physical thing I've been through and losing Clayton is the hardest emotional thing I've been though. I'm ready for this physical nightmare to be over. Lets hope that it really is.

Eyelashes...

All of my "cancer friends" who also had Hodgkin's are now done with their treatments and growing their hair and eyelashes back. They look so good!

It makes me really excited for the coming months... that's for sure!

I wanted to document how the eyelashes are looking these days. Some people don't believe me when I said I only had five eyelashes left... maybe I was exaggerating a bit.

Maybe I have like... seven.

Before...

Now...


I'm wearing eyeliner to make it look like I have something going on there... and mascara. Notice how there are no lashes on the outside or in the middle, and they are breaking off all short before they fall out. Crazy... I'll be happy to have those back.

A cancer biology lesson for the day...

10 chemo treatments down... 2 to go... blech.

I had my 10th treatment today. At my last treatment my doctor didn't want me to get the Nulasta shot that I've been getting this whole time. The shot makes your body go into overdrive producing white blood cells so that when your white blood cell count drops the new cells take over and you don't have to worry about low blood counts too much. At my last appointment my white blood cell count was around 20,000 (normal is 10,000) so I was way over. That's why the doc didn't think that I needed the shot.

Well today, I was at 2,000 (again, normal is 10,000). So not good. He said that if I had any other type of cancer than Hodgkin's he would not have let me have chemo this time. The reason he went ahead with chemo is because Hodgkin's is curable, but you get the best results if you stay on track with your chemo treatments and don't delay a treatment. So even though my count was super low, we went ahead with the treatment. I should be getting my shot tomorrow ;). It kind of bothers me that he didn't have me get a shot last time. I really don't care to be a Guinea Pig... and wait and see if I get a low white blood count. That's what these shots were invented for! So that people fighting cancer didn't die from a cold. I wouldn't be so worried about this if I didn't have a two year old that likes to lick the bottom of this dad's shoe (yes, I caught him doing that the other day... stinker!)

The problem with low white blood cell counts is that white blood cells are what fight infections in your body. If I don't have the cells needed to fight infection, then if I get sick my body can't fight the infection. See the problem? So if you are sick, think you could be getting sick, were sick a week ago... please don't come near me ;).

I've been starting to get a little lax in the "rules". I ate the apple slices that Tru didn't finish a few days ago, I ate a few bites of the salad that I made Trent also, and I was thinking about going to enrichment next week because it's been sooooo long since I felt like I had a social life. But this is a good reminder to me that I'm not done playing the cancer game yet. I may be close, I may be almost done... but I'm not done. I've come so far without getting sick, I really don't want to land myself in the hospital the last month of this chemo. So frustrating!

So anyway... that's what's new this time around. That and my port has been giving me grief... it hasn't been working the way that it should and so it's taking the nurses a really long time to get it to work before they can start my treatments. My body is "young and healthy" and it's trying to make this port a part of my body. Basically it's growing little fibers on the end of the tube that goes into my vein to make it into a one way valve instead of a two way valve. With the type of port I have they have to be able to put things into my bloodstream and take things out. The going in part is fine, but they aren't able to pull blood out of it, which is a problem. They just don't want to be putting these extremely toxic chemicals into my port if they can't tell for sure if it's working right, and the only way they can tell is if they can pull blood out of it, which it doesn't want to do anymore. So ya, it's been fun... I think I'll stop the blood talk now. I grossing myself out thinking about it, and I deal with my blood on a weekly basis! Anyway... I'll just be glad when this is all over...

Still in the game here... exactly one month from today is my last treatment... let's hope that's the truth!

Neckline...

*** Warning, this post contains some graphicish photos of my cancer battle wounds. So if such things make you squeamish then no need to read on.***

I've always been a big journal writer. Which is why I basically use this blog here as my own personal journal... I've really stopped writing in a journal since I've started blogging which is good... and bad. I probably shouldn't write such personal things on this blog all the time, but I do it because it doesn't bother me, I'm an open book...

I don't think that we should write in journals just for the sake of posterity someday... who knows if they will even ever read our journals. I like writing in a journal for me. There are so many times where I have gone back in my journal to see what I wrote about a year before or in a certain situation in my life. I think that our own words can give us a lot of insight at times.

I had one of these moments not too long ago. One of my friends called me and told me to go back and read the last Fitness Friday post that I wrote back in October 2008 (almost exactly a year before I started doing chemotherapy). I had written about my favorite body parts... and believe it or not what I wrote about was my neckline. Seriously, of all the 2000 body parts I could have written about I chose my neckline. If you want to go back and read the post click here...

I cried when I read this. Who knows what compelled me to write this when I did, but it means so much more to me now with everything that I've been going through. The part that hit me the most was...

"Lately I've been trying to keep the attitude of, "What good can I do for my body today, because it does a lot of good things for me." It's a relationship, a companionship, you will be with it for your whole life. If you do good to it (hopefully) it does good things for you.
My body has done really great things for me. It brought me my beautiful son. It has carried me high onto mountain tops to see the beautiful creations of God. Even when it's been sick and weak, it's been strong enough to let me do the things that I need to do for my family.

Insane... I really needed to be reminded of that... NOW!

So back to the neckline... I said that my neckline was my favorite body part. It still is, it most likely always will be, especially now after all it has been through, poor thing. My once perfect neckline now has a story to tell...

It's kind of hard to see but here is the lump that I found in my neck. It was easier to feel than to see, but if you look closely you can see it. It felt like a grape sitting there on my collar bone.

Here is my poor bruised up neckline after I had my port put in. This was the day that I took the bandages off so sorry that it's a little gross ;). Where the bandages are I have scaring, and the port is under the second bandage.

Here is what my neckline looks like today. Most of this is hidden under my shirt, but there it is none the less. I'm not sure how long I will have this port in, I've heard that they like to leave it in for a year in case the cancer comes back, they don't have to put in another one. We'll see.

Anyway, so there it is, the rest of the story of my neckline for now.

And the winner is...

I've been so stressed the last two weeks over this radiation/no radiation thing. When I talked to my new doctor he pretty much said, "I think you need to do radiation for sure..." I've been doing my research, and report after report has said that a female under the age of 30 who does radiation in her "chest" area has a much higher chance of getting breast cancer. That you don't need to do radiation, that chemo alone can get rid of Hodgkin's...

So I went in armed today with all my scientific reports, made Trent come with me, have been praying my little heart out... I was so stressed I've been sick to my stomach for a while here, which is never fun. So here is how it went.

My doctor walks into the room and hands me an e-mail and says, "This is what the expert thinks." The e-mail said...

"In this type of patient I usually prefer to do 6 cycles of ABVD and no radiation due to the long term effects of radiation for breast cancer and cardiac toxicity. If the PET scan in neg after 6 cycles then it should be fine."

Hallelujah Hallelujah!!! All that stress for nothing. My scan was negative after 2 cycles so I'm sure it will still be after 6. I was having a really hard time with this too because when I would pray about doing radiation I actually felt okay about it. And when I would pray about just doing chemo I felt okay about it too. I think that Heavenly Father was trying to tell me that I WOULD BE OKAY... I didn't need to worry about this so much personally, that everything would work out.

So... alas... two more months of chemo for me. I actually didn't get my full treatment today because my lungs have been feeling a little "tight" lately, not sure why. I've had a little cold so it might be from that, but I'm slightly paranoid about it, so I did not get the bleomycin today. I'm going to have a pulmonary test tomorrow to see how it looks and if my lungs are okay then I have to go in Monday for the bleo... crappy... but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Also, with my new insurance they want me to give my shots myself!!! Hello! I don't know if I can give myself a shot... Trent will have to do it, he wants to be a nurse anyway. So they are going to be delivered to my house, and I can't have it until I get the bleo if I'm going to be getting it so this is going to be an interesting treatment week with everything all spread out, I hope I survive!!!

8 treatments (sort of) down... 4 to go. I can do it, I can do it, I CAN DO IT!!!!!

Aunt Susan...

Yesterday my Aunt Susan lost her battle with breast cancer. After being in remission for a few years her cancer metastasized and returned in her bones.

Susan and her daughter Abby were both victims to cancer. Abby passed away from leukemia when she was five years old... she would be 28 now (I think?) if she had lived.

I have thought a lot about Abby and Susan as I have gone through my own battle with cancer. It is just such a devastating disease. The day after I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's my aunt wrote me a very sweet e-mail. She said in there that she didn't want to bombard me with advice, but I responded that I wouldn't mind some advice from someone who has gone through it and is going through it. She did give me some very sound advice which I have used many times as I have gone through this crazy cancer roller coaster ride.

It is a very strange thing to be going through cancer yourself during the time that a family member dies from cancer. It brings a lot of emotion to the surface as you can imagine. My heart aches for the family that she leaves behind. My heart aches for my own family and the struggles that they face while supporting me and my own battle. I can't help but wonder how my own cancer story will turn out... One thing that I know is that I am grateful for the love and concern that she showed for me, while she was battling for her own life. One of my other aunts said in a recent e-mail that she had asked about how I was doing in one of their last phone calls. That she was still concerned about me and asked about me in her last days is really humbling to me. I hope that I can be more like that, more like her, and look beyond my own struggles to care for others in theirs.

So last night in honor of my Aunt Susan, we ate our black bean pizza and green beans on our wedding china that was a gift from her. Thank you Susan for your example of faith, enduring through your trials, and love. You will be very missed...

Sunshine...

You are my sunshine... my only sunshine...

You make me happy when skies are gray...

You'll never know dear, how much I love you...

Please don't take my sunshine away...

I wonder who wrote this song? Was it a mom, a sick mom? A mom who's brightest moment of the day was seeing her child? A mom who may have been too sick to take care of her child the way that she wanted to? I don't know, but I'm going to pretend that's who wrote this song.

Tru truly is my sunshine. Just seeing him makes me feel so much better. I did something this week that I've been so hesitant to do this whole time... I sent Tru away on a little "vacation". I needed a break, he needed a break. I keep telling myself that it was more for him than for me. He needed to get out of this house and have a little fun, so that's what I've sent him to do. The reality though is that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him the week after I have chemo. It's hard, I'm trying so hard to do it, but it is beyond exhausting. He is not a calm and mild two year old... he is wild! He is constantly climbing up onto the counters, or onto the washer, or getting in my makeup. He just doesn't stop. It's just getting so hard for me to even pick him up and carry his flailing and screaming self out of whatever situation he has gotten into.

It's. Hard.

I know that he is having a blast. I know that he is in great hands and with people that I trust more than anything. But I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do with myself. But I'm totally trying to take advantage of this time and I'm sleeping, resting, sewing a little, mostly resting, while I can. We aren't done yet, we have a ways to go, I can't peeter out yet!

At the beginning it wasn't so bad. I would be sick for a few days and then it was like I would totally snap out of it and feel normal. Normal is now long gone. I feel sick for a week... followed by being totally exhausted and weak for the rest of the time. I used to try and get my house all clean and all the grocery shopping done the day before chemo so that I wouldn't have to worry about it and I could be sick in peace. Not anymore, I don't have the energy to clean my house the day before chemo anymore. The closest thing I can relate this too is if you were to get bumped by a car... you'd get knocked over, scraped up a little, but stand up and dust yourself off. Then you get bumped again... more scrapes, bruises, bumps... you get up. Then you get hit again... and again... and again... pretty soon you don't know how you are going to stand up. That's how I'm starting to feel. Chemo is wiping me out... There should be rule that mom's with two year olds can't get cancer... just so you know.

I can't wait to see his sweet little face and kiss his soft cheekies again...

What would you do...

Okay dear friends... I'm going to ask you to sit down, read this, and give it a little thought. Put yourself in my shoes if you will and tell me what you think you would do in my situation...

So I'm now going to be at a crossroads. Possibly only do chemo for one more treatment and then start radiation. I've been doing loads of my own research over the past couple of days and here is what it looks like. When you do ABVD for Hodgkin's you have a 90-95% cure rate if you go into remission soon (which I did) and it stays away for the course of the treatment. With coupling it with radiation you get a slightly higher cure rate, like maybe 96-97%. So there is the advantage of doing radiation.

Now with everything there are great risks involved. With chemo I had to sign my life away saying that I would take these drugs even though there is a chance that I could have permanent heart and lung damage, a 10% chance of infertility, a possible chance of getting leukemia later on in life... pretty heavy stuff. But they feel that getting rid of the cancer now is worth the risk of doing it... so we did it ;).

With radiation there is a whole different bag of risks involved. The ones that I am mainly worried about is that it can cause secondary cancers such as breast cancer since I will be getting the radiation right in my chest. This one has been really bothersome to me, mainly because I have an aunt who is fighting breast cancer right now, and it's not going so well. I hate cancer! I never want to get cancer again!!! I hate that it completely takes over your body and whithers you away to nothing before it takes your life. That your family and loved ones have to see you as a complete prisoner in you body before you are gone... and far too often gone way too soon. I have a really hard time doing this knowing that I am significantly increasing my risk of breast cancer by doing this (BTW if I did find out I had breast cancer I would just have them chop them off... I absolutely don't want to go through chemo ever again!!!) The other risks are that since they would be radiating the lymph nodes in my chest they are right nestled in tightly by my heart and lungs. The bleomycin drug I take can cause serious lung damage. So far my lungs have been fine, but if they get shot with radiation... I was told that possibly when I'm 40 or so I could start having major problems breathing. Basically my lungs could turn to straw. And heart disease, the adryamicin drug I take affects the heart... same type of story.

Those are the scary long term side affects. In the short term it would be more time invasive meaning I would have to go every day for a month or so to get radiated. It causes a sunburn like rash on your skin where they do it. Can give you a sore throat and make you tired. It wont make me sick like the chemo and will be a lot easier on me physically than the chemo. My hair would hopefully start growing back....

Anyway, I talked to my nurse practitioner for a long time yesterday about this at my last appointment at the cancer center. She laid it all out on the line for me pretty much. The last thing she said was ,"This is a huge decision you're going to have to make. I don't envy you at all." When she said that I just felt the huge weight of it fall on my shoulders. And for the first time I cried at the cancer center... I've never cried in there before, I've always been so strong, but I just really hope that I make the right decision for myself, for my family.

I hate that I'm 26 and having to make a decision like this... so I was just wondering with what I've said... what would you do and why? Thanks...