Love is really spelled T-I-M-E...

I really, really loved the talk that Elder Uchtdorf gave in conference titled Of Things that Matter Most. It was something that I really needed to hear.

I knew that I was running from one really hard situation to another. There wasn't much recovery time between going through chemo and working full time outside of the home and Trent doing this intense program. Life went from being very stressful to being very stressful. I feel like we are still in survival mode over here, trying to just make it through the day most of the time. I'm starting to get better, but usually on my days off I have a little melt down. I feel bad about it, but I'm having a hard time handling all the stress that I feel in life right now.

I had dreams of the type of mom and wife I wanted to be. I don't feel like I am fulfilling most of those dreams right now. However... I'm doing the best I can. Something that I've been really trying to do in the last few months is weed out all the excess in my life and only focusing on the things that really need my attention. I went through and deleted most of the blogs in my google reader, keeping only those that are good friends and family and others that are really, truly inspiring to me. I've been cleaning out my house of all the excess junk that I really don't want around and that just makes a messier house that I have to spend time cleaning. I've been trying to spend the time that I am home with my boys, and really focusing on them instead of just living in the same house as them but doing my own thing. We are simplifying things over here... in every sense of the word. It feels really good.

Elder Uchtdorf talks about how in times of stress we need to slow down instead of speed up. Times when we are going through a hard time we need to conserve our energy instead of spend it all doing way too much. He talks about focusing on your relationships instead of on things that are not important. I really love this. He says that in family relationships love is really spelled T-I-M-E... and I couldn't agree more. This is something that has been an adjustment for me. To give up the silly things that I like to spend my time doing, and to spend good quality time with my boys. I have to say that even though I have a lot less time with them now, the time is well spent. I know that my boys go to bed each night knowing that I love them, and that they are important to me. Even if I only had 20 minutes to show them that... I'm doing it. That makes me feel really good.

I feel good about the things that I've had to say no to... things that would just cause added stress right now and take more of my time than I'm willing to give. We are still in a time of stress and I just can't fill my life with stuff that I wish I could do if I were in a different situation. Someday... we will have time for more activities but now time is for family.

History repeats itself...

About 4 1/2 years ago...

Losing the baby:: I've talked about my miscarriage before on this blog, but about 4 1/2 years ago Trent and I thought it would be a good time to start our family. After 12 weeks of pregnancy I miscarried the baby. I had been planning on having the baby in the fall and staying at home while Trent finished up his last year of school. These plans dissolved and I needed to find another option (meaning a job).

Not able to get pregnant:: I really wanted to get pregnant again after losing that baby, but it didn't happen for a long time. It took us about a year to get pregnant with Tru after the miscarriage. A year that I spent working, trying to pass the time.

Needing to find a job:: Since I was not going to be having a baby, and I was done with school, I knew that I really needed to find a job. Living out on the North Shore of Oahu I knew that it would be hard to find a job. I also figured I would probably have to do the hour drive to Honolulu to find a job, since the part of the island we were on was considered "the country" and there wasn't a whole lot of good job opportunities out there. I prayed earnestly that I would be able to find a good job that would be good for our family.

The job:: Not too long after I started looking for a job the perfect job fell into my lap. The School of Education at BYUH needed an Administrative Assistant because the one they had was moving back to the mainland. My sweet boss, Denise, referred me to them. Her husband is part of the faculty over at the SOE and she gave me a great referral. A week after I applied to the job I was hired! This job was absolutely perfect for me at this time in our life! The building was right on the corner of the married student housing that we lived in. I could walk to work everyday. I didn't have to travel two hours a day to Honolulu... This job was very challenging for me and a lot of hard work for sure. It stretched me in ways that I didn't know were possible. I never really understood why the plan for me at that time was to work instead of starting my family, but it was. I'm grateful for that experience and feel that I have been able to be a more organized mom, wife, and homemaker because of what I learned in that job.

Flash forward to 2009/2010...

Losing the baby:: Once again, we wanted to grow our little family and I lost the baby. I was planning on having our second son in the Fall and staying home while Trent went back to school. My plans were dissolved when we lost little Clayton.

Not able to get pregnant:: I desperately wanted to get pregnant again as soon as I could after losing Clayton. However... finding out I had cancer of all things thwarted that plan. I can't even tell you the number of times I have been asked if I was pregnant over this last year due to all of the tests, scans, drugs, surgeries that I have had. It would be incredibly dangerous for me and for a baby to be pregnant during any of this. Now that I am done with all of the treatments for my cancer I have been advised by my doctors to not get pregnant for quite a while. So while I would love to be in a place in life where I can have more babies, give Tru some siblings, and stay at home with them, that is not an option for me right now.

Needing to find a job:: Trent is going to be doing a one year nursing program starting on Monday. I've known for quite a while that I really needed to find a job so that we could financially do this. Unfortunately we have not been able to save up much (any) money over this last year for his schooling because of all my medical bills. I have been so nervous about finding a job and have felt so insecure about doing this because of a few reasons. First being, hello.... I've had cancer! I waited until I felt like I didn't look like a cancer patient anymore before I even started looking for a job because I didn't want any employers to not want to hire me because of this. I gave myself until the end of July to heal and recover before starting the job search. Also, I was super nervous about even being able to find a job because the job market where I live right now is horrible!!! I think there is a 13% unemployment rate with lines and lines of people waiting for interviews when a job is available. Not a great time to be looking for a job.

*** Now... I would just like to say that at the time that I was starting to look for a job I made this connection in my mind. That I have been through a situation very similar to this before. I remembered that I had needed a job then and that Heavenly Father blessed me with the perfect job that fell right into my lap. When I made this connection I felt very strongly that this would happen again, and that I needed to calm down a little bit and let Heavenly Father work his magic for me again, because I really needed it!***

The job:: History did repeat itself my friends. The perfect job fell right into my lap. Trent had a few night classes with a girl who is the manager of a certain company (I'll tell you more about it later). He asked her if she would be hiring anytime soon and she said that she would do some hiring in the summer. I e-mailed her when I was ready to start looking for a job and she wrote me back and arranged an interview. Lets just say it was the best interview I have ever had, and she hired me right on the spot. And the job, is perfect, I am so excited for what I will be doing. The hours will hopefully be flexible enough that I will only have to work 4 days a week and spend the most time with Tru that I can. If I work it well enough Trent can be home with Tru for some of the days when I am working.

I can't help but feel incredibly blessed right now. A few weeks ago I didn't have a clue how we could possibly do any of this. Nothing seemed like it was going to work out. But I can't help but recognize Heavenly Father's hand in all areas of my life right now. I feel as though after a really hard period of trial, sadness, and hardship he is now pouring the blessings down upon our family. Getting this job is just one of the multiple blessings that have happened in the last few weeks. It truly has been miraculous to watch all the pieces come together so smoothly. I feel so incredibly blessed.

I don't want to say yet what the job is, mainly because I have two weeks of training and then have to pass a test in order to really have the job. I start training tomorrow, and I'm going to be studying a whole lot over this next little while. One thing I will say though is that it is in the medical field, which is where I really wanted to work but wasn't sure I would be able to because I have no experience working in the medical field. I'm so excited to be doing this though!

:: We went out to celebrate last week. We both got fortune cookies. Trent who never believes hidden meaning or signs in any area of his life read his fortune and said, "Wow, you have to read this!" It said... You will be saved from a financial disaster as if by magic... so true, so true.

Sunrise Hike...

When I realized that the weekend of the Brighton Reunion was going to be the same weekend that marks one year from when I discovered my cancer... I immediately had a great big goal in mind. Up at Brighton they do a hike called the sunrise hike where you wake up at 3 AM and hike to the top of a mountain peak and watch the sunrise. It was one of my favorite hikes when I worked there and I used to gladly made the sacrifice to wake up at that awful hour to watch the sunrise. Once I realized they would be doing this hike at the reunion on the morning of July 31 (one year from discovering my lump) I really really wanted to do this. It just seemed like such a huge thing, to be able to make it to the top of this mountain peak exactly a year later and be there when the sun came up.

I knew that it would be a stretch... that only four months after finishing chemo I might not be up to hiking for three hours to see the sunrise. This was the main reason why I've been trying to push myself to exercise and get some energy back so that I would be able to do this hike. I didn't tell very many people about this goal because I didn't want others to know how completely disappointed I would be if it didn't happen.

I had asked around to some of my Brighton friends that I knew would be there if they were planning on doing the hike... so that I wouldn't be alone! Once I got sick I knew there was no way on earth that I would be able to do the hike. I was pretty sad about it, but I decided that just being able to be up at Brighton would be enough...

When I got up to camp my good friend Pebblez asked me if I was planning on doing the hike. I told her how I had been so sick and I knew that there was no way I would physically be able to do it. I told her how it was the one year anniversary of finding my cancer and how I really wanted to do this, but it wasn't going to happen. Well... Miss Pebblez is good friends with the Camp Director Floss (the head of Brighton Camp) as am I... and she went and talked to Floss and got special permission to take me on the four wheeler up to the saddle and then we would hike the rest of the way to the top. Someone even had to ride down the canyon that night to get extra gas for the four wheeler so that we could make the trip. Pebblez husband who was there even went the night before to make sure he could get the four wheeler around the fence on the road so that we could make the trip. I tell you... I have never been so touched that someone would do something like this for me. Really, I just cry whenever I think about it.

So that was that! This dream I have had all year of making it to the top of the mountain was going to come true. I was so excited... this hike was pretty much the highlight of the trip for me. I have always called this mountain Mount Majestic... but it is also called Clayton's Peak. I'm sure that I knew that, but I had forgotten that until the night before when they were announcing the leaving time and details of the hike. Clayton's Peak... this hike suddenly had even more meaning for me than before.

Here I am pointing at Clayton's Peak. If you look close towards the top of the mountain you see a little road. That's the saddle that we road the four wheeler to and we hiked the rest of the way to the top.

So Saturday morning I was up and ready by 4 AM to make the ride. Zazu and Pebblez (hubby and wife) woke up to take me on the ride. I asked Zazu if he was planning on doing this hike if it wasn't to ride me up and he said no. Isn't that so nice of him! Plus they have three adorable little kids they had to go home to that day and they still woke up at the crack of dawn to do this for me.

Here we are at the saddle (this pic was after the hike). It took us about 40 minutes from this point to make it to the top. It was hard... we were stopping every few minutes for me to catch my breath and straighten my shaky legs. At this point it is just rock scrambling and so it was a lot of lifting your legs and hoisting yourself over rocks. I have no muscle tone in my legs anymore to do such things so this was a big challenge. We took it slow though and I was able to make it.

See... a whole lot of rocks!

I made it!! Waiting for the sunrise. The valley you see below is Heber Valley.

Me and Miss Sunny! There were so many girls that I worked with who went on this hike with me. It was so nice to have them up here on the top with me.

Here are all the girls I worked with that made it to the top with me. Danza, Pebblez, Cookie, Kodak and me...

And here she is... in all of her beauty and wonder. The sun made her remarkable appearance and made the whole journey worth it! It was a beautiful sunrise! I have always loved seeing the sunrise better than seeing the sunset because in order to see a beautiful sunrise you have to work for it. You have to get up really early, and to really see it like this you have to be really high up. It was remarkable...

Me and my miracle worker Pebblez. I will never forget what she did for me. She pulled the strings and made it possible for me to do this hike. I'm so thankful for her and her selfless attitude. Her friendship and love. I love you Pebblez!!!

I was literally on top of the world! It was amazing! I loved being up there. We got there about 30 minutes before the rest of the hikers made it to the top. It gave me some time to soak it all in and reflect on what it took to get to this point... both the hike and just in my life. While we were riding up on the four wheeler I couldn't help but think about how similar an experience it was to what I went through with having cancer. I was sitting on the front of the four wheeler, being propelled forward in the dark and the wind. It was a little scary, to be honest, but I couldn't help but think of how similar that was to going through my trial. I am the one that had to ride in the front, do the chemo, go through all the scans and appointments. But I did not do it alone. I had a huge support group that pretty much carried me the whole way. This was never a trial that I had to face by myself, I was helped every step of the way.

Even when we got to the end when I had to hike up to the top, that was tough. I just don't have the muscle tone in my legs anymore to continuously lift up my leg and hoist myself onto rock after rock. It reminded me a lot of the last few months of chemo. I was so tired and exhausted but I knew that I had to just keep going until I was done, no matter how tired and sore I was.

What started as a cool goal I wanted to achieve on my year mark, turned into a very uplifting and spiritual experience for me. As I was sitting on the top of the mountain and we were all waiting for the sun to make it's appearance I got that tight feeling in my chest. You know the one you get when you are sitting in a fast and testimony meeting and you feel like you need to share you testimony. Yep, that's the one... it happened on the mountain. I felt a little dumb but I couldn't ignore the feeling. So I told the 20 or so other hikers up there about my experience and was able to bear my testimony to them. It was a wonderful and touching moment in my life. My faith and testimony were strengthened through this experience. It was confirmed to me again that Heavenly Father knows me. He knows the desires of my heart. He loves me and watches over me and my family. He is the one who carries me through the hard moments in life and rejoices with me in the wonderful ones. He loves me.

Thank you again to everyone who made this moment possible for me. I could never had made my journey through cancer alone or my journey to the peak alone. We are all in this big world together, helping each other out in whatever obstacles we are facing.

Life is beautiful...

Last Week...

This post contains some really gross pictures of my mouth... but I felt like it was important to document ;). So if you don't want to see them then move along...

I felt like documenting this horrible sickness is important to the story I'm going to share next, because I feel like it truly was a miracle I got better as fast as I did.

Friday - Starting to get some sores in my mouth. Think it's just from stress.

Saturday - Sore have doubled and I can no longer eat solid food. Start taking pain meds around the clock because it hurts so bad.

Sunday - Sores have doubled again. I'm starting to think that this is not from stress. I'm suppose to teach the lesson in Relief Society but can't even talk. I go anyway and numb my mouth with lidocaine right before the lesson and somehow make it through. I come home from church and sleep. When I wake up I'm in so much pain I want to die. I make Trent take me to the emergency room because I really have not been in this much pain before (I probably have but this was bad). There were like 150 people in the waiting room so I decide I'm going to tough it out till the morning. We come home and Trent gives me a blessing. He says that my mouth will heal quickly and I will be able to do the things that I want to do next week.

Monday - Wake up, my whole body is covered in hives. I throw clothes on and go to the quick care. Doctor looks at my throat and asks if there is any reason why I would have a suppressed immune system right now. The way he says it makes me think that he thinks I have AIDS or something.... I tell him that I had cancer and just finished chemo 4 months ago. He tells me I have herpangina (isn't that the most awful name for an infection like this ever!!!) which is something kids are suppose to get. He gives me some steroids to help my mouth heal and I go home. I still can't eat, haven't eaten since Saturday. Only liquids when trying to take pain pills. I go home and go back to bed.

Tuesday - Wake up, feel like the sores are starting to heal a little bit. Take these awesome pictures of my mouth. I couldn't get all of them in a picture, but here are the ones in my throat and under my tongue. Start feeling so sad because the Brighton Reunion is this weekend and there is no way I'm going to feel well enough in two days to drive up to Utah and go to this. Decide that I'm going to try and choke down some nasty Cambell's Chicken Noodle soup because I really need the energy. While I'm stirring my soup I feel a strong impression that I will be better in two days to make the drive, and that I will be able to reach a goal I have had for myself all year.

Wednesday - Wake up, am able to talk a little bit for the first time in days. Still very weak and need to lay down for most of the day. Spend all day debating on if I will be able to make this drive tomorrow, or pack my stuff to go, I'm still not sure if I can do this. Start eating soups to try and get my energy back.

Thursday - Wake up, feel like I really can do this. Get the rest of my bags packed and head out the door at 10 AM. Drive 7 hours to Utah with Tru. Am able to eat solid food for the first time. The sores in my mouth are about 80% healed since Tuesday.

Friday - Can't sleep the night before because I am so excited to be going up to Brighton. I feel so happy and grateful that my prayers were answered and that I am able to do this. This reunion is the one thing that I have been looking forward to all year. While I laid in my bed for months on end, I would dream about coming back up to Brighton and seeing my friends. I really wanted to go on a certain hike this weekend but I realize that I will not be able to do it because I have been so sick... so I settle for just being able to go to Brighton and being there. Leave with my mom and sister around 3 PM and head up to Brighton...

***I really do feel like it was a total miracle that I healed so fast and was able to go up to Brighton. Last weekend was the one year mark from when I discovered my cancer and I was so happy when I realized this monumental weekend for me would fall on the Brighton weekend.

Refiners fire...

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Malachi 3:3

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy-- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire,remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

***My "aunt" Beverley sent this to me this week and I really liked it and I wanted to share it on here. Many times this year I have felt like I've been sitting in the refiners fire. I'm sure that many of us feel this way and wonder why we are being "tested" so much. I never knew the process of refining silver, but I love the analogy used here. I think that I've got a long way to go before I'm refined from all of my impurities and God can see his image clearly in me, but I hope that I'm working on getting there.

My ward is awesome!!!

On Sunday there was a knock on the door. I went into the back room to hide until I knew who it was. When I heard my primary president's voice I thought, "Oh it's just Lisa..." and I walked out into the front room...

Yes it was Lisa... with three of my little primary kids with her!!!

There were three very wide eyed eight year olds staring at my bald head! Geez... The girls both looked at the ground trying not to stare... the boy stared his little heart away and grinned at my big bald head. It was pretty funny, oh well!

The primary made me cards in sharing time on Sunday. It made me cry, seriously such a nice thing to do. I was really touched by a lot of the messages that the primary wrote on these cards. One that is standing out to me right now was from a boy who's family recently converted to the church, he was just baptised a few months ago with his dad and brother. The last week I was in primary we were talking about our trunk or treat for Halloween and he said, "What if I don't have my costume by then..." I turned around and told him that I remembered that he had worn a really cool leather jacket to church one week (probably his dad's) and that he could come as a biker dude. I actually said "biker dude" and I couldn't tell by the look on his face if that was cool or not... But guess what... he did come as a biker dude!!! His card was very sweet and it said, "Remember that you are never alone..." Thank you David. Thank you everyone in primary for these sweet and tender cards!!!

There were cards from the young women in there too. Apparently I have a new nickname in church... It's... Sister Lovely... how hilarious is that!!! I've been getting a kick out of that. Lots of cards addressed to Sister Lovely.

The Miamaids came over on Wednesday to make a big delivery. They made five freezer dinners for me for their activity that night. So they all came over to bring me the meals and I made them pose for a picture. I was really touched by this too, one of the nicest things that they could have possibly done for me.

I think that it is so touching that the youth in our ward would get involved in service like this. I'm finding that it doesn't take much to serve someone. Something that might seem fairly easy or insignificant to someone really can make a huge difference in the person on the receiving end. My heart has been lifted by these sweet kids in the ward this week. Thanks so much you guys (ya right.... like any of them are reading this! Oh well, their mothers might be...)

And just do you know... I'm totally legit... see so for yourself!!!

Ummm.... what does that mean? Too funny!

Does God give people cancer?

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4

I came a cross this scripture the other night during my reading. I love it when you end up reading exactly what it is you need to hear. That seems to be happening to me a lot lately which makes me want to read more and more. Sometime over the summer I decided that I wanted to read the Doctrine and Covenants. I've never read this book front to back before and I'm glad that I'm doing it now. I reminds me that even what I am going through now is nothing compared to what the saints went through to start the church. Or what they went through to settle in Utah. Sometimes I feel bad that not only am I going through chemo and struggling through this, but that I'm also grieving the loss of my baby and the unknown of if I'll ever be able to have more children... and if I do have more children it will be years before I can even go there. But as soon as I dive back into the D&C I'm reminded that my trials are not even comparable to those of the pioneers.

For after much tribulation comes the blessings.... I think that one of the biggest parts of the battle is to have a positive attitude about it, and to continue to turn towards my Father in Heaven for help. I'm not being asked to fight for my religious freedom right now, but I am being asked to fight a different battle. A battle for my life, a battle to keep my family going, a battle to not wallow in depression, but to be a light and a beacon... even if to no one else but myself. To have faith... constant faith. To have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and his plan is perfect.

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here... this is nothing but my own thoughts on the matter. But I've been thinking a lot about this and I don't think that Heavenly Father gives people cancer... I've had a lot of people say to me, "Oh Heavenly Father doesn't give you more than you can handle, he must have known you could deal with this." Ya, I just don't believe that. I don't believe that he would give someone some horrible disease or problem to teach them a lesson. That does not sound like the loving Heavenly Father that I have come to know. I think that this is part of being human. When we were all up in heaven and there was a battle, between if Lucifer would be our Savior or if Jesus Christ would, the plan was laid out in front of us. Part of the plan that Jesus had was that we would have these human bodies to house our spirits and there would be diseases and trials that our bodies would be subject to. Nobody is immune to that... we knew that there would be a chance that if we got a body that all sorts of horrible things could happen to it. Yes, we've been given guidelines to live by to try and keep our bodies as healthy as we can so that hopefully we don't get diseases or illnesses that are horrible... but there are so many things that our bodies are subject to. I think that maybe that's a big part of why 1/3 of the people up there said, "No way... I'm not going to chance that." And so they didn't.

However... I believe that he knows. He knows everything, the beginning, the end. He knows what trials we will face and how to help us through them. He can't prevent us from going through a lot of things but he can comfort, he can send people and doctors into our lives to help. He can heal... I believe that sometimes we are given more than we could possibly handle on our own, so that we do come to him. So we do let him help carry our burdens for us. So that he can show us his hand in all things and that he does love us and care for us.

I've been reading through my patriarchal blessing a lot to try and understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me in this life. Have I done everything that I was sent here to do? Is this going to be it? I'm not sure... but I don't think that it is. I don't think that I'm done. I feel like there is more for me to accomplish in this life that I have not yet accomplished. I do however feel like in order to accomplish the things that I need to, I do need to go through some tribulation. I do need to have these experiences that have caused me to understand what it truly means to suffer, to mourn, to experience pain, to plead to my Heavenly Father for help.

I'm gaining a lot of empathy for people who do have illnesses that are constant. Things that they will live with their whole lives. I've been so healthy my whole life... I really had no clue what it was like to be so sick. To walk into the cancer center every other week and willingly sit down in that chair and have them give me chemo is a hard thing to do. Knowing that the next week I will be in constant pain, nauseous, not be able to eat or sleep without medication... I could go on but I wont. It's not an easy thing to willingly submit to. Just as the nasty side affects wear off and I start to feel pretty normal I go back and do the same thing over. And to have such a grim alternative... if I don't do this then the cancer will eventually kill me... that's the reality. I really am learning what it means to endure to the end.

In two weeks I'm going to have another PT scan to see how the cancer is doing. I'm hoping that it's gone, but I don't want to be disappointed if it's still there. I'm hoping for some good news though, whatever it is. I would love a little good news to through into 2009.

Anyway, sorry for all the rambling. These are the thoughts that I've had since reading that scripture a few nights ago. It does give me a lot of hope for what lies after the trials...

Primary...

Just after Clayton was born I was given a new calling in my ward. I was called to be a teacher in the Primary. Honestly... I was a bit bummed... mainly because Tru had just gone into nursery and I was really looking forward to just sitting and listening to the Relief Society lessons in peace!!

I'm sure glad that Heavenly Father knows me a whole lot better than I know myself. I'm glad that he knows what I need before I do...

From the first Sunday I went to primary I knew that this was where I needed to be at this period in my life. The kids were all getting ready for their big sacrament meeting program. Every week we spent a lot of time practicing the songs that they would be singing in the program. The theme for this year is "My Eternal Family" so most of the songs were about families.

Oh it was heart wrenching... to sit there and listen to these sweet little voices sing about families. Since for the past 5 months the state of my own little family has been in the forefront of my mind. I have needed that constant reminder, that constant reassurance that my family is eternal!!!

One of the songs that they were practicing is a new one that was written specifically for this year called "My Eternal Family". The first verse of this song is...

Our Father has a family, it's me,

It's you, all others too. We are his children.

He sent each one of us to earth, through birth,

To live and learn here in families.

God gave us families,

To help us become what he wants us to be

This is how he shares his love,

For the family is of God.

I don't think that a Sunday went by that I actually made it through that song without having to mouth the words for fear of becoming a bawl baby in primary!!! The messages are so simple, so true. As adults we tend to make everything so complicated... when it really doesn't have to be. I love how primary keeps everything so simple. I have been in a period of life where I've needed things to be simple, and to just focus on the big meaning of everything. Primary has reminded me of that in such a stunning way every single week.

There is another song that keeps ringing in my mind. I can't think of the name of it right now but the last verse of the song says...

Have faith, have hope. Live like his son. Help others on their way.

Do what he asks.... live like his son.

It really is that simple. I'm trying to remind myself of this. Even in the state I am in right now I can still help others on their way. We have a perfect example of how to live our lives, live like his son.

I teach the kids that are turning eight this year, and are getting baptised as members of the church. It's such a fun age to teach! I told the kids about my cancer. That they probably wouldn't see me at church for a while because I had to take some really strong medicine to kill the cancer and it would make me sick. I drew some pictures on the board of good healthy cells and of cancer cells and told them that the cancer cells had mutated and they were now trying to kill all of the healthy cells. That the medicine would kill the cancer cells before they could kill the healthy cells. I told them that I would lose my hair, even my eyebrows and eyelashes.

I mainly told them because I think they are old enough to know. I also don't want them to think that I'm not coming to church because I don't have a testimony of the gospel. I also don't want them to be scared of me if I do come and I'm wearing a hat or have no hair.

Once again... so simple. One boy said, "So if the cancer cells eat the healthy cells before you can kill them then you'll die?" My response was, "That's not going to happen, we're going to kill all of these cancer cells before they can kill the healthy cells." All the kids were totally fine with that answer and went on with their own little worlds.

It really is that simple... isn't it? When things start to get too complicated in my mind and I start to doubt... I just try to remind myself of that. We are going to kill the cancer cells before they can kill the healthy cells.... it's that simple.

So today I am grateful for primary!! It's not just for the kids, I'm sure I've learned so much more in these past 5 months than they have, and I'm so grateful for that!