It's Christmas!!!

Tru is so excited about Christmas this year. It's the first year that he has sort of gotten the whole thrill of Christmas. It's been fun to see his little face light up when he sees the lights and trees around.

We made the best impulse buy at Costco the other day. An 8 foot tall real tree. This is the first real tree that we've bought before. We bought a tiny one in Hawaii one year but that doesn't really count. Tru was so excited when we were setting it up. He's been pretty good about not messing with the ornaments, only one broken ball so far.

Anytime we drive by a house that has lights up Tru yells, "Mama... it's Christmas!!!" It's so cute. I love how excited he is.

On Sunday our ward did their sacrament meeting Christmas program. It was so nice to sit there and listen to the beautiful music. Then I remembered that last year when I was sluffing church for 6 months, I got sick of not going to church. So we snuck in one Sunday to sacrament, and they were doing the Christmas program that day. Then I realized that we were sitting in the same spot that we did last year for the program. And here I am, no longer bald wearing a hat, no longer so sick. I'm so grateful to have another Christmas with my family. Life is sweet. And I'm happy to have a three year old this Christmas.

Halloween...

This year Tru wanted to be a dragon for Halloween (are you at all surprised?). He looked adorable! He had no problem wearing his costume and he loved showing it off to people. He was very proud of his wings and his tail.

We went to our wards trick or treat on Wednesday. He had fun seeing all his little friends in their costumes.

I love how in every picture he is eating candy or chips... he was in heaven! A night where he gets to eat junk all night. Awesome...

The dragon birthday...

My baby boy turned three on Saturday!!! He's growing up too darn fast, that's for sure. Some of my family came down for the weekend and we had fun celebrating this little guy's birthday.

Tru has been looking forward to his birthday for quite a while now. He told me that he wanted to have a dragon birthday cake with dragon ice cream. He also wanted to go to the dinosaur park. So that's what we did! We went to the dinosaur park in the morning and let him play his little heart out. Then during his nap we whipped up the coolest dragon cake ever! It took a few of us working on it for just about the whole nap, but it was well worth the effort to see his cute little smile...

Ahhh.... it was perfect! We kept it low key, just cake, ice cream and presents at home with the family. We also hung streamers and had balloons everywhere to play around with.

He sat in his yellow chair and opened up his present. Lots of awesome stuff! Totally spoiled...

He loved it, got lots of dragon and dinosaur stuff so he was in heaven. He had some good quality play time with grandpa and his dragon castle afterwards.

Such a fun age, three is {well, so far}. Doesn't take a whole lot to make a three year old happy. He had a great time and it was fun to see him so excited for his birthday.

So much for making pancakes huh...

Miss him...

The tears didn't start flowing until I left for my fourth day of work. He didn't want me to go. He held on to my hand and said, "Trusen go to work, Trusen go to work!!" It broke my heart. I miss my little guy. I sit there in training and think how strange it is to not be talking about dragons and dinosaurs all day!

I know he is in good hands, but I miss him. I hate that I only have a few hours with him a day right now. It really does break my heart. The other day I came home and he was napping, and I cuddled up right next to him. It was a tender moment. Listening to his breath, holding my little boy in my arms. I'm so lucky to have him.

I've always been such a huge advocate of being a stay at home mom. However, I don't know that my time at home with him would be very enjoyable if we didn't have enough money to pay the bills, and buy food, and provide the necessities of life for ourselves... including this little one. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. But I have noticed that Tru has been acting very differently since I've been gone. He's super clingy when I get home, just wants me to sit on the couch and hold him all day. He suddenly doesn't know how to put his flip flops on anymore or how to put the milk back in the fridge. He wants me to do EVERYTHING for him, or with him, or having my hand on his when he does it. It's fairly exhausting, and I hate to say that he will get used to this... but I know that we both will.

I keep reminding myself that this is not a permanent situation. It's temporary. And the reason we are all running around with our heads cut off with these new crazy schedules and plans is so that we will be able to be in a better situation in a year and the rest of our lives hopefully. And Tru and I will be able to talk about dinosaurs and dragons all day again.

Hair cut...

It's official... I no longer have the shortest hair in the family. Trent buzzed Tru's head again even though I told him not too. This was one of those things that we didn't discuss before we got married... that Trent thinks little boys should have buzzed heads for summer and I do not. Had we discussed it, that might have been a deal breaker (just kidding... or am I?).

Nap time...

For some reason Tru doesn't like to sleep in his bed during nap time. I don't know what it is, but for a few days in a row I kept finding him here...

Sorry for the blurry picture, my camera doesn't do well in low light. He was always in this corner, always with his red blanket and baby elephant. I asked him why he was sleeping in the corner instead of his bed and his only response was, "Dragons..." So who knows, maybe he is hiding from the dragons.

So the other day I heard a whole lot of commotion after I put him down and so once I thought he was asleep I took a look in to see what was going on. Can you find Tru?

Here is a closer look...

Ya, he fell asleep underneath his bed. Knocked down his easel, tore his bed apart. It makes me nervous because we live in scorpion territory and I can't have stuff like this going on! I keep telling him that the scary bugs are going to get him if he doesn't sleep in his bed, but I don't think that he really gets it. Either that or dragons are a bigger threat than the scary bugs in his mind...

Whoops...

On the way home I drove for the first little while... but then I started to get pretty tired. So Trent took the wheel and I tried to take a little nap. Tru was being so good in the back seat I didn't even both to look back and see what was entertaining him...

... come to find out (after my nap of course) Tru was in arms reach of the toiletry bag. By the time I found him looking like this, there was nothing left in the bag! So here he is covered in Trent's hair goop, toothpaste, mascara, foundation, powder, eyeliner, and making who knows what with the dental floss. I wanted to get mad at him, but I couldn't do it. I shouldn't have put the bag by him anyway, and looks like he had a great time! Little stinker... at least I got a nap right?

On a side note... my friend Corinne is doing a project for school where she is replicating different famous photographs and they all look so amazing!!! Here is Tru's version of Kiss...

Potty Training update...

Well... considering the fact that he is insistent on having his dinosaurs and stuffed animals all wear diapers like him, I would say that it's not going too well in the potty training department.

Honestly, I "tried" to train him for a few days and decided this was totally ridiculous. He's not getting it. He's just not there yet, and that is totally fine. I talked to a lot of people who said that when their kid was ready they just did it with a bit of encouragement. That sounds like my kind of training, not the kind where you are cleaning pee off of every surface in your house all day long. So until he starts showing a bit of desire to use the potty, we're taking a break.

We have some rather large life changing events coming up for our family in a few months here and so I really wanted to have him trained before that. But then I realized that I would probably have to retrain him anyway (assuming we got anywhere) because life is going to change for this little guy and I don't want too many new things going on for him. I think that my thinking was wrong and it would be better for all of us if we wait.

Tru and Bow...

My friend Taylor came through a few weeks ago and brought her dog Bow along. Tru was in heaven. He had so much fun chasing Bow around our place. Bow... you are welcome at our place anytime (sorry, no pictures of Taylor and her cute kiddo's... just Bow).

Caught...

I saw this cute picture on my friends blog of her cute little girl. Then I spotted my oh so barely there hair in the back ground. Then my heart melted a little bit that I was caught in this picture cuddling my little boy by the swimming pool. Wet from his wet body sitting on me... but still smiling. It made me happy. I sure love this kid... and glad he has cute little friends to play with!

Clayton's Birthday...

I wanted to do something on Clayton's birthday that made it a fun day. I knew that if I let this day pass by and didn't do anything fun or eventful I would just feel rotten all day and I would regret it. So we headed home for the weekend so that we could spend a fun weekend with our families.

First thing in the morning Trent took Tru out on a little stroll around the lake in a kayak. Tru absolutely loved the kayak!!! He didn't mind the life jacket or anything. He practically jumped into it without any help from us. It was cute to see him all bundled up going for a little tour of the lake.

We then met some of Trent's family and went up to the Zoo. Tru loves animals so much and I thought it would be fun for him to see the animals in real life. Ummm.... it was sort of fun. I think that the look on his face here says it all...

He was terrified of all the animals. I think that they were way bigger in person than he even imagined and that was scary for him. Now whenever he talks about animals it's, "scary elephant, scary snake, scary rhino..." We may have traumatized him for life. Oh well. It was nice to get out and do something fun.

We went and saw some more family, I had to take this great twinner picture with my nephew who just had his head buzzed for summer.

Then we went to IKEA (I haven't been in 8 months, I had quite a list of things to get). I basically tried to keep myself really busy all day. We hurried out of IKEA and raced to the graveyard so that we could get to Clayton's grave before the sun went down. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go there until late in the afternoon, and then I realized that I really needed to go back there. Pay tribute to my little boy who has left such a big print on my heart.

It was beautiful and peaceful there. I was happy to see that there was a little marker on his grave. At least something is there until we are able to get a better headstone. It had been a great day, I wasn't really sad... but as I sat there at his grave, at my mother in laws grave, with my sister in law and her family in tow... it was a humbling experience.

I've talked before about how I met Trent and ultimately decided he was the one for me to marry. As I sat there with my sister in law I realized how incredibly lucky I am to be a member of their family. I have really needed them in my life, especially this last year. I married into a family that has lost a baby (Trent's sister Kasia died of SIDS at 6 months old) and has also dealt with cancer, losing their mom eight years ago from lung cancer. I have always known this, but it really hit me that Heavenly Father knew that I needed Trent. He knew that I needed this family. They have all been such a source of strength for me, and I am so humbled to be a part of them. It was a precious moment for me, not just because my baby died, but because I saw a glimpse of the real big picture for a minute. Things don't happen by chance, Heavenly Father can guide our lives and our choices if we let him, and when we do we will be extremely blessed.

It was a good day... a long day... it took me three whole days to recover from that day (sometimes I still do way to much for my weak body and I have to pay the price). But it was worth it. I think that Clayton would be happy that we were together as a family, and having fun. Even if his older brother is scared of all animals now...

Sleepy...

I love how this little boy absolutely refused to take a nap yesterday. He crashed on the couch at 5:00 PM. Oh the life of a little boy...

Easter...

Doesn't he look so adorable in his little Easter get up?

He hated wearing the tie at first. Hated it. But he got used to it and here he is showing it off to his nursery teacher.

My boy...

I miss him... so much! He is on vacation again, and he's been gone since Saturday night. I hate having him go! I miss him so much! I talked to him today on the phone and he told me about a hippo and a tiger... then he told me that he ate some eggies and had some chocolate milk. Then when it was time to hang up he whispered, "Bye bye..." As he handed the phone to his temporary mommy he started to cry.

Absolutely ripped my heart right out of my chest...

I hate this! I hate that I don't feel well enough to have him with me while I do this. The truth of the matter is that the last few treatments have been extremely painful for me. The pain is hard to describe, I've never felt anything like it before. It's in my legs, I can't tell if it's bone pain, or muscle pain, or joint pain... or all of the above. I can feel it in my hip joints and then it shoots down my legs, and this goes on for days and days. When it's just me and Tru, I don't take any pain killers because I refuse to be high on narcotics while I'm taking care of a toddler. But in that much pain I can barely walk, sleep, do anything but moan about it. So the last treatment and this coming treatment have been the only ones that I have been taking pain killers for. It makes a world of difference, but I can't be the responsible adult when I'm on them.

So Tru is gone, and I'm going to get through this last treatment high on pain killers... finally. I'm not planning on it being a good one since they get worse and worse.

But I would rather have my boy here than to take pain killers. It's a matter of survival now, so it is what it is. I just have to keep reminding myself that when he gets back I will be a better mom. I will be able to take care of him the way that I need to. Little by little we will be able to do more and more and it will be so nice. But in the meantime, I'll try to distract myself because I miss him so much...

Pancakes...

"Pancakes Mama... pancakes!"

Those were the first words that I was greeted with yesterday. I took a mental note on if I was really awake enough to make pancakes... and I was. So pancakes it was! Tru helped me put all of the ingredients into the bowl. He even stirred and beat the egg. I turned on a little music to serenade our lovely morning and Tru had another request...

"Dance Mama... dance!"

So dance we did. While we waited for our chocolate chip pancakes to bake I held him in my arms and we danced, waltzed, dipped and twirled. It was magical. It was fun. I haven't had such a fun morning in a long time.

But don't worry... as life would have it with a two year old my magical perfect morning was short lived... while I was flipping the last of the pancakes Tru went into the bathroom and colored all over the tub with permanent marker. Bummer.

However, I'm still daydreaming about our morning. I used to take mornings like that for granted. They happened quite often, and though I've always loved dancing with my boy there are many mornings where the best dance moves I can muster are a pathetic head nod. He accepts the bobbing head mom, but he doesn't laugh and squeal to that like he does to a good twirl.

I think that one of the great things that I will take from this not so great cancer journey is to really cherish and enjoy these pure and simple moments with my boy. I'm so lucky to have him. And even though we have a lot of rough moments... the good ones far outweigh the bad.

Another great example... today. I was trying so hard to get us out the door for a little grocery shopping. The day before chemo is always a hard one. I feel like I have so much I want to do before I'm sick for 10 days, but not enough time or energy to do it all. Tru was not cooperating as usual... would not get his shoes on, would not put his jacket on, was running and hiding from me every chance he got. I finally admitted defeat and sat down by the front door and just waited for him. I was to tired to yell, to tired to run after him anymore... I just wanted some groceries! After a minute he came and jumped into my lap, wrapped his little arms around my neck and said...

"I love you Mama! I love you Mama!!" and slathered my face with sloppy kisses. I love this kid. He's so sweet. I'm so glad that I didn't get mad, but just waited. He came around, and the moment was sweet. And yes, we did make it to the store...

Tub...

I sure love this boy.

He just got a new haircut.

He still is in love with animals, loves all sorts of animals...

wont take a bath or a nap without them.

Tru right now...

I feel so bad that I don't talk about my boy as much on this blog anymore. It's turned into me, me, me, me, me. How selfish of me! I'm trying to decide what to do about that right now, but here are some things about Tru that I don't want to forget...

- He is talking more and more. He's still sticking to his 3-4 word sentences, but is always surprising me with what he says. The other day he looked at my face with this goofy grin and said, "Ears? Ears! I'm gonna eat them!" and then went to attack my ears. Hilarious!!! Made me feel like a really cheesy and corny mom.

- When I did his hair in a faux hawk the other day he looking in the mirror and said, "I'm a dinosaur!"

- He thinks that tickles are a way to show affection. He always wants to have a hug, kiss, and a tickle.

- He loves cuddling with mom. He is always wanting to sit and cuddling with me, which I love. So on days when I'm feeling sick he is usually pretty content to cuddle up with a movie with me.

- He still loves elephants but also loves alligators and hippos. The other day he pointed to Trent and said, "Tiger." The he pointed to me and said, "Hippo." Thanks a lot Tru....

- He has a hard time going to scheduled things like story time at the library or "tours" where he has to follow a leader and stuff. He's just like a wild animal that's been unleashed and wants to run everywhere and explore everything. At first I had a hard time with this, mainly because I don't have the energy to chase him around everywhere and try to make him be good. But then I decided, he's a boy, he likes to explore. We will just do what he likes for a while and when he's a little older we can try out the other stuff. So we go to the park... a lot... whenever we can. To get his little wiggles out.

- He loves watching little movies on You Tube, just the right length for his attention span. His favorite ones to watch are old Casper the Friendly Ghost clips from the 1950's and the old Disney clips from the same time. They are so cute, I'm glad we found those.

- Yesterday I put him down for his nap and he was really mad. He kept saying, "I'm sad mom, I'm sad." from his bed. So I went in there to see what he was so sad about and his little elephant he sleeps with was outside the door. So I brought it to him and he said, "Oh thank you mom. Night night." Rolled over and went to bed. Such a good kid.

He just wanted some ice cream...

Welcome Home!!!

Welcome home... pirate boy... welcome home!

My baby is back home now. He wont stop jabbering about his cousins that he was with all week. He also wont let Trent out of his sight and was really sad that he had to go to work this morning. So I guess that maybe he missed us a little bit. I learned a lot in this last week... here is what I learned in no particular order...

- Tru makes my life worth living. Trent and I are no longer complete without our little boy. He is part of us and we are part of him.

- It's okay to take a break sometimes. It doesn't mean that you can't handle life or are doing a crummy job... it just means that you need a breather.

- I feel so good today, I've already gotten a lot done. It's the best Monday I've had in months! I think this means that the break did me well and I feel refreshed and ready to take on the world.

- I'm a sucker for a cute boy who wants to make brownies at 9:00 AM... some things never change.

Thank you Amy and Scott! And Anthony and Ky Ky for playing with my kiddo all week. We love you guys!

Sunshine...

You are my sunshine... my only sunshine...

You make me happy when skies are gray...

You'll never know dear, how much I love you...

Please don't take my sunshine away...

I wonder who wrote this song? Was it a mom, a sick mom? A mom who's brightest moment of the day was seeing her child? A mom who may have been too sick to take care of her child the way that she wanted to? I don't know, but I'm going to pretend that's who wrote this song.

Tru truly is my sunshine. Just seeing him makes me feel so much better. I did something this week that I've been so hesitant to do this whole time... I sent Tru away on a little "vacation". I needed a break, he needed a break. I keep telling myself that it was more for him than for me. He needed to get out of this house and have a little fun, so that's what I've sent him to do. The reality though is that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him the week after I have chemo. It's hard, I'm trying so hard to do it, but it is beyond exhausting. He is not a calm and mild two year old... he is wild! He is constantly climbing up onto the counters, or onto the washer, or getting in my makeup. He just doesn't stop. It's just getting so hard for me to even pick him up and carry his flailing and screaming self out of whatever situation he has gotten into.

It's. Hard.

I know that he is having a blast. I know that he is in great hands and with people that I trust more than anything. But I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do with myself. But I'm totally trying to take advantage of this time and I'm sleeping, resting, sewing a little, mostly resting, while I can. We aren't done yet, we have a ways to go, I can't peeter out yet!

At the beginning it wasn't so bad. I would be sick for a few days and then it was like I would totally snap out of it and feel normal. Normal is now long gone. I feel sick for a week... followed by being totally exhausted and weak for the rest of the time. I used to try and get my house all clean and all the grocery shopping done the day before chemo so that I wouldn't have to worry about it and I could be sick in peace. Not anymore, I don't have the energy to clean my house the day before chemo anymore. The closest thing I can relate this too is if you were to get bumped by a car... you'd get knocked over, scraped up a little, but stand up and dust yourself off. Then you get bumped again... more scrapes, bruises, bumps... you get up. Then you get hit again... and again... and again... pretty soon you don't know how you are going to stand up. That's how I'm starting to feel. Chemo is wiping me out... There should be rule that mom's with two year olds can't get cancer... just so you know.

I can't wait to see his sweet little face and kiss his soft cheekies again...