Strength...

For it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength...

Mosiah 4:27

Before I even went to the doctor to see what this lump in my neck was all about, I had Trent give me a priesthood blessing. Trent is a very simple man, and I was not surprised that he gave me a very simple, yet specific blessing. In this blessing he said that I would be able to get things organized, that I would still be able to tend to my household duties, and that I would know good health again someday. I was pretty upset after the blessing, because that did not make it sound like this was just going to be a cyst like I was hoping. It sounded like I was in for the long hall with this lump... and he was right. However, I have gained a new appreciation and testimony of the power of priesthood blessings, as these three things have indeed come to pass (well, except for the last one... but it will.)

When I first started chemo I was so scared that I would not be able to take care of Tru during these six months. I was so worried that I would have to ship him off for our families to take care of and that I would be so sad and depressed to not have him around. It has been a huge HUGE blessing that I have been able to take care of him for this long.

I'm the type of person who has a really hard time asking for help. I like being independent, and I like having control over my life. However, President's Day was a real eye opener for me. I had Trent home because of the holiday. Usually Monday is the first day that I am on my own after a chemo treatment. This Monday... I spent the whole day in bed in extreme pain. It really scared Trent, knowing that had it not been a holiday he would be gone the whole day. So we decided that for the rest of the treatments we were going to see if someone could come stay with us for a few days or ship Tru off somewhere so that he could be taken care of.

Again... I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to help me. People who don't even hesitate to come to my rescue when I need them so badly. For my last treatment my sweet friend Taylor came... I'm so grateful for her. As I sat here in extreme pain again for three days, she took care of the rest. I was so happy to hear Tru laugh almost the whole day straight playing with her boys. That made me so happy. I could go on and on about how grateful I am for Taylor... she truly has a heart of gold.

I have more help coming this week and help for my final treatment. I'm swallowing my pride and admitting whole hearted that I can no longer do this by myself. The towel has been thrown in. I'm sure that I could try and do it by myself... but back to not running faster than we have strength... I would be doing that. It's okay to let people help you when you need it. I'm learning that lesson right now...

So ya, tomorrow is #11... and then comes #12. My last chemo will be on March 25th. I feel like I've said that a million times.... but I really can't wait. This has been the hardest thing that I have physically done in my life. I've often thought about which is harder... losing a baby or going through cancer. The answer is that they are different, they are not the same. Cancer is hard physically, while losing a baby is hard emotionally. Sure there are emotions with cancer and there is a physical aspect with having a baby, but that's how it makes sense in my head. Cancer is the hardest physical thing I've been through and losing Clayton is the hardest emotional thing I've been though. I'm ready for this physical nightmare to be over. Lets hope that it really is.