I've always been a big journal writer. Which is why I basically use this blog here as my own personal journal... I've really stopped writing in a journal since I've started blogging which is good... and bad. I probably shouldn't write such personal things on this blog all the time, but I do it because it doesn't bother me, I'm an open book...
I don't think that we should write in journals just for the sake of posterity someday... who knows if they will even ever read our journals. I like writing in a journal for me. There are so many times where I have gone back in my journal to see what I wrote about a year before or in a certain situation in my life. I think that our own words can give us a lot of insight at times.
I had one of these moments not too long ago. One of my friends called me and told me to go back and read the last Fitness Friday post that I wrote back in October 2008 (almost exactly a year before I started doing chemotherapy). I had written about my favorite body parts... and believe it or not what I wrote about was my neckline. Seriously, of all the 2000 body parts I could have written about I chose my neckline. If you want to go back and read the post click here...
I cried when I read this. Who knows what compelled me to write this when I did, but it means so much more to me now with everything that I've been going through. The part that hit me the most was...
"Lately I've been trying to keep the attitude of, "What good can I do for my body today, because it does a lot of good things for me." It's a relationship, a companionship, you will be with it for your whole life. If you do good to it (hopefully) it does good things for you.
My body has done really great things for me. It brought me my beautiful son. It has carried me high onto mountain tops to see the beautiful creations of God. Even when it's been sick and weak, it's been strong enough to let me do the things that I need to do for my family.
My body has done really great things for me. It brought me my beautiful son. It has carried me high onto mountain tops to see the beautiful creations of God. Even when it's been sick and weak, it's been strong enough to let me do the things that I need to do for my family.
Insane... I really needed to be reminded of that... NOW!
So back to the neckline... I said that my neckline was my favorite body part. It still is, it most likely always will be, especially now after all it has been through, poor thing. My once perfect neckline now has a story to tell...
It's kind of hard to see but here is the lump that I found in my neck. It was easier to feel than to see, but if you look closely you can see it. It felt like a grape sitting there on my collar bone.
Here is my poor bruised up neckline after I had my port put in. This was the day that I took the bandages off so sorry that it's a little gross ;). Where the bandages are I have scaring, and the port is under the second bandage.
Here is what my neckline looks like today. Most of this is hidden under my shirt, but there it is none the less. I'm not sure how long I will have this port in, I've heard that they like to leave it in for a year in case the cancer comes back, they don't have to put in another one. We'll see.
Anyway, so there it is, the rest of the story of my neckline for now.
3 comments:
Meg, they let me take my port out the very month I had my last treatment. The other option was having it flushed every month, and the thought of tasing the stuff they flush it with, made me sick. I just wanted it out. They let me keep it. It was the easiest thing I had gone through to date. Yours is a lot more pronounced than my was. Most people didnt even see the bump, but noticed the scar and thought I had gotten injured.
I think you still have a beautiful neckline. Missing you darling. Hopefully we'll be feeling better this week.
The scars of a life that's been lived- that's how it's meant to be. I hope you're feeling better soon.
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