... it pours.....
and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours and pours....
Well, there is no pretty way of putting this so I'm just going to come right out and say it. Yesterday I was diagnosed with cancer. I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma which is a rare type of cancer of the lymph nodes.
The same night that this happened, we were driving back from St. George and Tru and Trent were so tired... so I was driving. To be totally honest, I was having a little pity party for myself on that long empty drive home. We had just had our good car plowed down by an exploding tire, the second vehicle that we just bought had some big problems that we didn't know about when we bought it (sigh...) and was in the shop. I was feeling really bad about losing our little Clayton baby. I was feeling a little picked on. I was having a hard time seeing the good things in my life. I was praying that I would see the blessings in my life and be able to get out of this slump and start being more positive. That's when for no real reason at all, I reached up and touched my neck.
There it was, a lump in my neck just over my left collar bone. It felt like an olive, or a grape. I felt the other side and nothing. Oh crap.... I thought.... please don't let this be cancer.
Well, my friends, it's been a really long and stressful month for me. I went to one doctor who said it was just a cyst and not to worry about it. Then I had to see my OB for a totally random reason (don't think I will get into that one on this blog here...) and asked him what he thought about it. He walked me over to the family practice doctor that shares a building with him and made sure that they took my insurance, and asked the receptionist to make an appointment for me. I honestly don't know if I would have been so quick to get a second opinion unless he had done that.....
So two weeks ago I had a ct scan done. On Monday I had the biopsy. It was at the biopsy that I realized this really was probably cancer. They did an ultrasound guided biopsy and not to toot my own horn here, but I'm really good at understanding what's going on in an ultrasound at this point (unfortunately). I saw that there were a few other "lumps" that I could not feel, and that's when I realized that this was not a cyst I was dealing with.
I honestly feel a lot of relief right now. I'm grateful to know what this is, the unknown is miserable to wait through. Hodgkin's has a high cure rate, and I hope to be part of that high cure rate. But that's really all I know at this point. I have the fun job of finding myself an oncologist next week and getting a full body scan to see how far the cancer has spread.
I will try to keep you guys updated on what's going on. This is my family blog so I'm going to keep doing my little updates on other things going on in my family. I know this is crappy, I know that I've got a long hard road ahead of me. I know that this is the last thing on earth I want to go through right now. I know that I don't really feel ready to take on a battle this big, especially since I lost the last one... but I can't even tell you how grateful I am for good doctors and modern medicine. I am truly grateful and feel so blessed.
I don't feel sick at all, I don't have any other side effects. I just have this lump in my neck. I'm grateful that I was prompted to touch my neck that night, for no reason at all... even though it meant that I went from feeling a little picked on to feeling REALLY PICKED ON! That's okay.
I've turned my comment moderator on so that I will be the only one reading the comments, and I might publish some and I might not. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to comment on my misery ;). Sometimes I feel bad about writing depressing posts because I really don't want people to feel like they have to try and make me feel better or justify my feelings. This just happens to be my life right now. I like that I can come here and vent, or share my story. Whatever that may be.
Thank you all for your continued friendship. I never truly understood how important good friends are until this year when I have really really needed them. I love you guys! Thank you! I will get through this!
34 comments:
w o w meg.
i'm sorry.
i don't have anything else to say, just that i'm sorry.
and i love you.
Meg, This is awful! Did you call me this morning?? I saw I had a missed call, but no message. I thought about calling back but then I though to myself, what if it was just Tru playing with Meg's phone?? Whatever the case was, I wish now that I would have called... sorry! If you ever need to talk/vent/hang out/have a play date/get out of the house/need a last minute sitter... please call me!! I love you and we're praying for your body to heal. Stay strong like I know you are! It sucks you have to go through so much.
Hey Meg!!! You are amazing! Don't ever forget that! You have been given a lot to handle! But you are not alone in this fight! We are all going to rally around you and help you fight this beast! Even though I work with cancer patients every day...I have never been this affected by it! I can't even describe the emotions I've had this past week and weekend...knowing what the diagnosis most likely was going to be! But I am here for you and your family! I'm already looking at my schedule and planning a few days that I can come and help cook, clean, take Tru off your hands, and anything else you and Trent may need! You are just so important to me! Just know Kai and I are here for you and will do ANYTHING to help you guys get through this!!! Love ya!!!
Like I said... holy cow.
I am praying for you. For reals. And I really do love you!
WOW, Paris, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to deal with cancer, since my mom is going through the same thing.
I wish that I had some type of consoling thing to say, but I don't. I just want to let you know that you are in my prayers.
I also think that you are an incredibly strong person. Heavenly Father must feel like you can handle a lot of difficulties at the same time. I know I wouldn't be able to handle so much, if I were you.
Good luck!
Wow, I have alot to say. I just woke up- and haven't eaten anything, and I never skip eating- but I just felt like I needed to check my emails- (I haven't for a few days) and then ofcourse I came across your comment. I really want to write you back- but I need to eat something- I just wanted to let you know that an email is on it's way.
I just looked at your sewing blogs- love it. We have alot in common, that's funny. I love sewing. YOu would be a fun friend to have in town. And I loved the curtains you made for your sons room.
I love you max
Wow, Meg. I am so sorry you are going through this. I will most certainly keep you in my personal, family, and couples prayers.
I know they say the Lord never gives people hardships they can't handle, and (while this may not be a comfort to you right now) I believe that is true about you.
You are such a strong, amazing woman. I am continually surprised and inspired by the grace in which you handle your adversity. I believe in you...and I know the Lord does, too.
I don't even know what to say Meg. When you told me about this over email, I had no idea it was so serious. I thought for sure it was just a cyst or something. My first thought after reading this post was, "What the freakin' heck??? She's only 25!!!" You are right, when it rains it pours and pours. I am so sorry you are having to go through such another huge trial in your life. I wish we lived closer so we could hang out and talk about our lives when we were 18 and the fun we used to have and laugh and laugh to get your mind off it. I'm so grateful I'll be able to see you in a month and give you a gigantic hug. I love you so much and hope and hope everything will start to get better for you because this is just crap and I wish you didn't have to deal with it.
Oh Megan, I dont know what to say but I want you to know that you and your family will continue to be in our prayers. I know that if anyone can beat cancer its you!
Paris, I love you so much and I'm so sorry. You are in my prayers, truly. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
I love you, Meg.
So crazy, Meg. My brother was actually diagnosed with the same cancer at about your age. I know every case is different, but after all the initial poking and prodding, he had one cycle of radiation and has been fine since. I wish you the best in the coming months!
Paris. This is Tink. I am so so so sorry. I was reading your blog the other day getting updated on everything you have been through. All I know is that you are AMAZING, and such a great example to me. I admire your strength and your honesty. You are so dear to me and I want you to know I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers and heart. I love you.
we fasted for you today, meg. i told my parents and they fasted too. we are thinking of and praying for you and your family.
Meg, I can't even believe this. When you told us about your lump I totally thought it was nothing. I really didn't think anyone our age or anyone I knew especially a friend could possibly have cancer. I can't believe you have to go through this after going through something else so tragic. I'm so sorry Meg you have do this.
I am so glad you are my friend. I look up to you - even though I may be older - you are wiser!!!
Tender mercies are all around us - we were witnesses to one today. Heavenly Father knows you!!
Oh and by the way - that skirt you made is THE cutest skirt ever. I need to learn how to make it.
I'm sorry Meg...so sorry.
Meg,
I just want you to know that I love you and will be thinking of you constantly.
Meg,
Wow, I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. My grandpa had the same cancer and he was cured. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Love ya
Meg, I'm so sorry... My mom told me yesterday afternoon and then forwarded your mom's email to her. I feel so so upset that this is happening to you. My heart and prayers go out to you. You are such a strong and faithful person. I know that you can get through this though I can't even fathom how picked on you must feel... Just remember that a good attitude is the best medicine for healing. We're all praying for you. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm totally available since I live in a strange city with no friends yet. My number hasn't changed. I love you!!! You will beat this thing!
Dear Megan, Trent, and lil' Tru:
You are in our thoughts and prayers in your time of need...
Much love to you!
The Davis'
Meg, I love you and I really wished we lived closer so I could just hug you. You truly are amazing and I am so sorry.
Heavenly Father knows you and loves you as Meg...and he will help you through all of this.
Meg, please know that many people will be praying for you. We love you.
It seems like so many good people are facing incredibly hard trials right now. Maybe it is just another sign of the times...I don't know. Or maybe as I get older I just see how truly difficult life is. I wish you the best over coming months. I will pray for you.
Meg,
I just found out and our prayers are with you. You are an inspiration to me...
I'm sorry, Megan! We will keep praying for you and your family!
Paris, this totally sucks, but I know you can beat it. I know it's not much consolation, but my good friend Lena is battling Hodgkin's Lymphoma right now. She's about halfway through her treatments. It might help to read her blog here:
http://moreandmoreeveryday.blogspot.com/
I'm at a loss on what to write. I'm sorry. I'll pray for you and your sweat family. You're a strong women...remember if you worked at camp then you can do anything :) lots of love, Cleo
Your blog was very inspiring and I'm proud to be have a friend with such determination. I know I don't need to tell you this, but you are doing the right thing. Getting depressed is only going to make things harder for you. Keep looking for the bright side. No one knows how much time they have with or without cancer; keep living your best life.
lots and lots of love, hugs and prayers,
Kati
Meg, I realized after I wrote the comment that it may have seemed like I thought because you have cancer you're going to die, I don't think that at all. I know you can beat this. Stay strong and stay positive and always have hope. I firmly believe with hope and faith, miracles happen.
geeze. why does that happen. i hate the raining to pouring! im so sorry, we are praying for you tons!
Meg, I just saw this and I have nothing inspiring or special to say, just know that you are in my prayers.
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