Mopping the floors...

It's interesting how fast I seem to have forgotten how awful it was to go through chemo. Life just goes on and when I think of it, it seems like it was just a bad dream, a distant memory. It wasn't that long ago... but I'm glad that my body and mind seem to have moved on from that awful time.

It's funny though the things that have seemed to stick from that time. The one that I think of the most is mopping the floors. I hate mopping our floors. We have hardwood floors in the living room, kitchen, dinning area and down the hall and in the bathroom. That's a lot of floor that needs to be mopped on a regular basis. That was the first thing to got slid to the back burner when I was going through chemo. But it drove me nuts to have a dirty floor! I hated it! But I was too sick to do anything about it most of the time. You see... I'm a little picky about how the floors get mopped. I feel like they don't get really clean unless you get down on your hands and knees and mop with a bucket and rag.

One day my lovely sister in law came to town and hung out with me for the day. She lives clear across the country and it was so good to see her. She looked darling with her long red hair, blue pin stripped button up shirt with the snake skin skinny belt around it. And her adorable nude flats were so cute. I don't know why her outfit stands out in my mind so much... but the main point of it is that she looked so darling. We had a good day. Tru was gone to Utah with my sister so we went to Cafe Rio and had some yummy food (except for that I couldn't eat the vegetables... ). Then we went shopping, I hadn't been for what seemed like months... probably was. I was beyond exhausted when we got back home. Two outings in one day were pushing the limits for me.

Then came the magic words... "Is there anything that you want me to do while I'm here? Anything at all that I can do for you?" I can't believe that I even said it... but I did. "Could you please mop my floors?"... "Sure, where's your mop?"... "Well, there is a bucket and a rag..."

She got down in her cute pin stripped shirt and fancy jeans... and mopped the whole floor! Mopped the whole thing while I sat there on the couch about half dead. When I think about it now, I can't believe that I even asked her. My usual response to such things were usually, "Oh no... we're fine." But instead I asked her to mop the floors. And I remember laying there feeling funny for doing it, but knowing that I asked because I knew that she would. I knew that she wouldn't care that she was in her fancy jeans.

The reason I share this story is because it's now been almost a year since I've seen her, since she came and mopped my floors. There has not been a time that I have gotten out the old blue bucket and rag since then and have not thought of her. I think of her every time that I mop my floors. That is what I remember from that horrible time. Sarah and her cute snake skin belt... mopping my floors.

I wish that I could mop Sarah's floors for her right now. My cute sister in law is most likely not in the floor mopping mood anymore... she is expecting twin boys that will be born in a month or so. I love you Sarah. Thank you for teaching me such a valuable lesson that day, and engraving in my heart a desire to serve others like you did for me.

Thursday's come and go now I don't think at all about how Thursday was my chemo day. But mopping the floors, wiping down my kitchen cupboards, giving my son a bath, vacuuming out the couch, stripping the bed and washing the sheets have almost become sacred experiences for this mom. Because each are now blessed with a memory of someone who came and did that for me when I couldn't do it for myself.

That is what I remember, about going through chemo...

Done!

Had my last cocktail of poison today... it's so nice to be done!

This is my "warrior" picture. Bald head, drawn on eyebrows, no eyelashes, yellowish skin from the chemo, completely totally utterly exhausted eyes... this is me at the bottom.

Just wait till you see me at the top...

My boy...

I miss him... so much! He is on vacation again, and he's been gone since Saturday night. I hate having him go! I miss him so much! I talked to him today on the phone and he told me about a hippo and a tiger... then he told me that he ate some eggies and had some chocolate milk. Then when it was time to hang up he whispered, "Bye bye..." As he handed the phone to his temporary mommy he started to cry.

Absolutely ripped my heart right out of my chest...

I hate this! I hate that I don't feel well enough to have him with me while I do this. The truth of the matter is that the last few treatments have been extremely painful for me. The pain is hard to describe, I've never felt anything like it before. It's in my legs, I can't tell if it's bone pain, or muscle pain, or joint pain... or all of the above. I can feel it in my hip joints and then it shoots down my legs, and this goes on for days and days. When it's just me and Tru, I don't take any pain killers because I refuse to be high on narcotics while I'm taking care of a toddler. But in that much pain I can barely walk, sleep, do anything but moan about it. So the last treatment and this coming treatment have been the only ones that I have been taking pain killers for. It makes a world of difference, but I can't be the responsible adult when I'm on them.

So Tru is gone, and I'm going to get through this last treatment high on pain killers... finally. I'm not planning on it being a good one since they get worse and worse.

But I would rather have my boy here than to take pain killers. It's a matter of survival now, so it is what it is. I just have to keep reminding myself that when he gets back I will be a better mom. I will be able to take care of him the way that I need to. Little by little we will be able to do more and more and it will be so nice. But in the meantime, I'll try to distract myself because I miss him so much...

To shave or not to shave...

Here is a little bit of info for you... I'm not completely bald. I'm sure that many many of you know this, but I didn't realize that you don't lose ALL your hair with chemo, just most of your hair. I shave my head about every other week. I always know that it's starting to look bad when Trent says something like, "Do you want me to shave your head before I leave for class?" Translation, "You're looking a little crazy, let me fix that for you." What a nice husband huh? My father in law told me that I have a lot more hair than he does and I shouldn't worry about it.... he's right, but I have no intentions of walking around town like this...

As much as I hate being bald, I would rather be bald than to be sporting that look. So bald it is! I hopefully will only have to shave it once or twice more.

uggg...

i just wanted to pop in here and say...

i feel like chemo is eating me alive.

the end...

Strength...

For it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength...

Mosiah 4:27

Before I even went to the doctor to see what this lump in my neck was all about, I had Trent give me a priesthood blessing. Trent is a very simple man, and I was not surprised that he gave me a very simple, yet specific blessing. In this blessing he said that I would be able to get things organized, that I would still be able to tend to my household duties, and that I would know good health again someday. I was pretty upset after the blessing, because that did not make it sound like this was just going to be a cyst like I was hoping. It sounded like I was in for the long hall with this lump... and he was right. However, I have gained a new appreciation and testimony of the power of priesthood blessings, as these three things have indeed come to pass (well, except for the last one... but it will.)

When I first started chemo I was so scared that I would not be able to take care of Tru during these six months. I was so worried that I would have to ship him off for our families to take care of and that I would be so sad and depressed to not have him around. It has been a huge HUGE blessing that I have been able to take care of him for this long.

I'm the type of person who has a really hard time asking for help. I like being independent, and I like having control over my life. However, President's Day was a real eye opener for me. I had Trent home because of the holiday. Usually Monday is the first day that I am on my own after a chemo treatment. This Monday... I spent the whole day in bed in extreme pain. It really scared Trent, knowing that had it not been a holiday he would be gone the whole day. So we decided that for the rest of the treatments we were going to see if someone could come stay with us for a few days or ship Tru off somewhere so that he could be taken care of.

Again... I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to help me. People who don't even hesitate to come to my rescue when I need them so badly. For my last treatment my sweet friend Taylor came... I'm so grateful for her. As I sat here in extreme pain again for three days, she took care of the rest. I was so happy to hear Tru laugh almost the whole day straight playing with her boys. That made me so happy. I could go on and on about how grateful I am for Taylor... she truly has a heart of gold.

I have more help coming this week and help for my final treatment. I'm swallowing my pride and admitting whole hearted that I can no longer do this by myself. The towel has been thrown in. I'm sure that I could try and do it by myself... but back to not running faster than we have strength... I would be doing that. It's okay to let people help you when you need it. I'm learning that lesson right now...

So ya, tomorrow is #11... and then comes #12. My last chemo will be on March 25th. I feel like I've said that a million times.... but I really can't wait. This has been the hardest thing that I have physically done in my life. I've often thought about which is harder... losing a baby or going through cancer. The answer is that they are different, they are not the same. Cancer is hard physically, while losing a baby is hard emotionally. Sure there are emotions with cancer and there is a physical aspect with having a baby, but that's how it makes sense in my head. Cancer is the hardest physical thing I've been through and losing Clayton is the hardest emotional thing I've been though. I'm ready for this physical nightmare to be over. Lets hope that it really is.

A cancer biology lesson for the day...

10 chemo treatments down... 2 to go... blech.

I had my 10th treatment today. At my last treatment my doctor didn't want me to get the Nulasta shot that I've been getting this whole time. The shot makes your body go into overdrive producing white blood cells so that when your white blood cell count drops the new cells take over and you don't have to worry about low blood counts too much. At my last appointment my white blood cell count was around 20,000 (normal is 10,000) so I was way over. That's why the doc didn't think that I needed the shot.

Well today, I was at 2,000 (again, normal is 10,000). So not good. He said that if I had any other type of cancer than Hodgkin's he would not have let me have chemo this time. The reason he went ahead with chemo is because Hodgkin's is curable, but you get the best results if you stay on track with your chemo treatments and don't delay a treatment. So even though my count was super low, we went ahead with the treatment. I should be getting my shot tomorrow ;). It kind of bothers me that he didn't have me get a shot last time. I really don't care to be a Guinea Pig... and wait and see if I get a low white blood count. That's what these shots were invented for! So that people fighting cancer didn't die from a cold. I wouldn't be so worried about this if I didn't have a two year old that likes to lick the bottom of this dad's shoe (yes, I caught him doing that the other day... stinker!)

The problem with low white blood cell counts is that white blood cells are what fight infections in your body. If I don't have the cells needed to fight infection, then if I get sick my body can't fight the infection. See the problem? So if you are sick, think you could be getting sick, were sick a week ago... please don't come near me ;).

I've been starting to get a little lax in the "rules". I ate the apple slices that Tru didn't finish a few days ago, I ate a few bites of the salad that I made Trent also, and I was thinking about going to enrichment next week because it's been sooooo long since I felt like I had a social life. But this is a good reminder to me that I'm not done playing the cancer game yet. I may be close, I may be almost done... but I'm not done. I've come so far without getting sick, I really don't want to land myself in the hospital the last month of this chemo. So frustrating!

So anyway... that's what's new this time around. That and my port has been giving me grief... it hasn't been working the way that it should and so it's taking the nurses a really long time to get it to work before they can start my treatments. My body is "young and healthy" and it's trying to make this port a part of my body. Basically it's growing little fibers on the end of the tube that goes into my vein to make it into a one way valve instead of a two way valve. With the type of port I have they have to be able to put things into my bloodstream and take things out. The going in part is fine, but they aren't able to pull blood out of it, which is a problem. They just don't want to be putting these extremely toxic chemicals into my port if they can't tell for sure if it's working right, and the only way they can tell is if they can pull blood out of it, which it doesn't want to do anymore. So ya, it's been fun... I think I'll stop the blood talk now. I grossing myself out thinking about it, and I deal with my blood on a weekly basis! Anyway... I'll just be glad when this is all over...

Still in the game here... exactly one month from today is my last treatment... let's hope that's the truth!

today...

my whole body aches and hurts, like it did yesterday and the day before...

i have about 5 eyelashes left on each eye...

my mouth tastes like chemo, it's gross, makes me gag...

but I did paint my toenails yesterday, a pretty red, and that made me feel

a little more human.

And the winner is...

I've been so stressed the last two weeks over this radiation/no radiation thing. When I talked to my new doctor he pretty much said, "I think you need to do radiation for sure..." I've been doing my research, and report after report has said that a female under the age of 30 who does radiation in her "chest" area has a much higher chance of getting breast cancer. That you don't need to do radiation, that chemo alone can get rid of Hodgkin's...

So I went in armed today with all my scientific reports, made Trent come with me, have been praying my little heart out... I was so stressed I've been sick to my stomach for a while here, which is never fun. So here is how it went.

My doctor walks into the room and hands me an e-mail and says, "This is what the expert thinks." The e-mail said...

"In this type of patient I usually prefer to do 6 cycles of ABVD and no radiation due to the long term effects of radiation for breast cancer and cardiac toxicity. If the PET scan in neg after 6 cycles then it should be fine."

Hallelujah Hallelujah!!! All that stress for nothing. My scan was negative after 2 cycles so I'm sure it will still be after 6. I was having a really hard time with this too because when I would pray about doing radiation I actually felt okay about it. And when I would pray about just doing chemo I felt okay about it too. I think that Heavenly Father was trying to tell me that I WOULD BE OKAY... I didn't need to worry about this so much personally, that everything would work out.

So... alas... two more months of chemo for me. I actually didn't get my full treatment today because my lungs have been feeling a little "tight" lately, not sure why. I've had a little cold so it might be from that, but I'm slightly paranoid about it, so I did not get the bleomycin today. I'm going to have a pulmonary test tomorrow to see how it looks and if my lungs are okay then I have to go in Monday for the bleo... crappy... but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Also, with my new insurance they want me to give my shots myself!!! Hello! I don't know if I can give myself a shot... Trent will have to do it, he wants to be a nurse anyway. So they are going to be delivered to my house, and I can't have it until I get the bleo if I'm going to be getting it so this is going to be an interesting treatment week with everything all spread out, I hope I survive!!!

8 treatments (sort of) down... 4 to go. I can do it, I can do it, I CAN DO IT!!!!!

Sunshine...

You are my sunshine... my only sunshine...

You make me happy when skies are gray...

You'll never know dear, how much I love you...

Please don't take my sunshine away...

I wonder who wrote this song? Was it a mom, a sick mom? A mom who's brightest moment of the day was seeing her child? A mom who may have been too sick to take care of her child the way that she wanted to? I don't know, but I'm going to pretend that's who wrote this song.

Tru truly is my sunshine. Just seeing him makes me feel so much better. I did something this week that I've been so hesitant to do this whole time... I sent Tru away on a little "vacation". I needed a break, he needed a break. I keep telling myself that it was more for him than for me. He needed to get out of this house and have a little fun, so that's what I've sent him to do. The reality though is that it is getting so hard for me to take care of him the week after I have chemo. It's hard, I'm trying so hard to do it, but it is beyond exhausting. He is not a calm and mild two year old... he is wild! He is constantly climbing up onto the counters, or onto the washer, or getting in my makeup. He just doesn't stop. It's just getting so hard for me to even pick him up and carry his flailing and screaming self out of whatever situation he has gotten into.

It's. Hard.

I know that he is having a blast. I know that he is in great hands and with people that I trust more than anything. But I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do with myself. But I'm totally trying to take advantage of this time and I'm sleeping, resting, sewing a little, mostly resting, while I can. We aren't done yet, we have a ways to go, I can't peeter out yet!

At the beginning it wasn't so bad. I would be sick for a few days and then it was like I would totally snap out of it and feel normal. Normal is now long gone. I feel sick for a week... followed by being totally exhausted and weak for the rest of the time. I used to try and get my house all clean and all the grocery shopping done the day before chemo so that I wouldn't have to worry about it and I could be sick in peace. Not anymore, I don't have the energy to clean my house the day before chemo anymore. The closest thing I can relate this too is if you were to get bumped by a car... you'd get knocked over, scraped up a little, but stand up and dust yourself off. Then you get bumped again... more scrapes, bruises, bumps... you get up. Then you get hit again... and again... and again... pretty soon you don't know how you are going to stand up. That's how I'm starting to feel. Chemo is wiping me out... There should be rule that mom's with two year olds can't get cancer... just so you know.

I can't wait to see his sweet little face and kiss his soft cheekies again...

Earth Shattering... perhaps...

Still taking a break... but I may possibly have some earth shattering news so I thought I would share...

I met my new oncologist today (changing because Trent's work changed insurance carriers at the beginning of the year). He seems like a nice guy. I basically just told him what treatment I have been getting. 6 cycles of ABVD (which is 12 treatments). He then said that the leading research on Hodgkin's lymphoma says that doing only 4 cycles followed by radiation seems to be the latest effective treatment plan. That means that I would only have to do 8 treatments... I'm getting #7 tomorrow. Could I really possibly be done with chemo by the end of the month?

I questioned him telling him that the reason why my doctor wanted me to do the full 12 was because of the size of the mass in my chest. He says that with all due respect, he knows my doctor very well, but he is very good friends with Dr. Julie Vose ,who is one of the leading lymphoma oncologists in the country, and he is going to e-mail her all of my case information and see what she says, we are going to go with the experts advice.

I'm nervous, excited, trying not to get my hopes up too much that I could really be possibly done with chemo soon. He basically said that if I only need to do 8 treatments, why do 12? My other doctor also said that he didn't want to make a decision on radiation until I was done with chemo... but the new doctor says that he thinks radiation is a must with a mass in the middle of your chest... okay then.

I feel good knowing that he is consulting with one of the leading experts in the country on this. I'm praying that whatever the best treatment for me will be what we end up doing. I'm super scared of doing radiation... I've heard stories of fried esophagus etc... which would be no fun. But on the plus side... I would get a tattoo, may be my only tattoo ever! (thinking of Pheobe on friends with her tiny dot of a world tattoo... ya, that's what it would be like).

Anyway, I wont know anything more until I go back on January 28, but I'll let you all know what the decision is then...

Weight...

Yep... I'm going to complain about my weight for a minute here...

So I never did lose the 15 lbs that I gained when I was pregnant with Clayton. I thought about it, but decided that I was going to try and get pregnant again as soon as I could so I didn't see much point in trying to lose the weight just to turn around and gain it back again. Well, that didn't happen ;).

Then when I started chemo I thought that I might lose some weight and that it was probably a good thing that I had a little extra weight on me because I might need it... wrong... I've been gaining on average 1-2 lbs every chemo treatment.

At first that made absolutely no sense at all because I have thrush all the time which makes it really hard to eat. Also, I've been throwing up a lot which makes it really hard to eat. So why in the world am I gaining all of this weight!

I finally thought to ask exactly what pre-drugs the were giving me before chemo. I knew that they were giving me a drug to prevent an allergic reaction to the chemo... I just assumed that it was an antihistamine like benadryl or something...

Nope... it's a steroid... I taking steroids for crying out loud!!!

No freaking wonder... one of the main side affects of steroids is weight gain. And not being able to sleep (gotcha). This is also why I wake up in the morning with a puffy face and eyes that don't want to open. I love how they just assume that you know these things... I really had no clue. I know that now is not the time to be worrying about my weight. I can't really exercise much right now and my body is going through so much right now a diet would not be a good idea either... I'm just openly acknowledging that I am packing on the pounds and there isn't much that I can do about it at this point.

It's pretty frustrating to me because if you know me... I like being fit. I like being healthy and at a healthy weight. I majored in Exercise Science of all things because I LOVE IT!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent (like you had a choice). Here's to the 20+ lbs I've gained in 2009 and looking forward to another 6-10 to add onto it ;). So when you see me and I look a little "pudgy" just tell me that I have beautiful eyes or something will ya... thanks!

Bald talk...

Well, it was a big weekend for my bald head... it was a hard one. The sickest I have been so far. I guess I had it coming since last treatment went so well.

My family had their Christmas party on Saturday night. My brother wanted to do an online video chat so that I could see the party. That was really sweet of him... but I was not feeling up to it. I almost didn't do it, but then I remembered that it's Christmas... and my family hasn't seen me or my family since September.... and even though I'd been bowing to the porcelain throne all weekend and looked like junk... it was still me. Sick and all! So we did it... my bald head made an appearance on the web cam... it was a bit nerve wracking but oh well!

Then on Sunday Trent's sister and husband came down for dinner. I just get so anxious every time someone new sees me. I don't know why I care so much, but I really do get anxious about it. It was so nice to see them though! We had some good laughs and good food.

Then some members of the ward came over... four other new people who haven't seen me in a while... so ya, it was a big weekend for my bald head. I don't know if I'll ever get used to being bald. I keep just thinking that hopefully before I know it I'll be done with this and my hair will start coming back in... but reality is that wont be happening for a long while.

The truth is that every time someone new comes over I go through this, "Should I wear a hat?" question. I don't like wearing hats when I'm just sitting at home doing my thing, but I have yet to go in public without a hat on... so I try to force myself to not wear a hat when someone comes over to my house. But I just don't like being bald... and having people see me bald...

So tomorrow I'm going to see about getting a wig. I don't know that I will wear it all the time but it would be nice to have it as an option.

Anyway... I don't know if I will ever get used to being bald, or feeling so sick, or having cancer, or any of this. I keep telling myself that this is not a permanent situation... this wont be forever. But it's starting to feel like a long time. It's hard to feel like this for a long period of time... time to get over myself I think...

Does God give people cancer?

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4

I came a cross this scripture the other night during my reading. I love it when you end up reading exactly what it is you need to hear. That seems to be happening to me a lot lately which makes me want to read more and more. Sometime over the summer I decided that I wanted to read the Doctrine and Covenants. I've never read this book front to back before and I'm glad that I'm doing it now. I reminds me that even what I am going through now is nothing compared to what the saints went through to start the church. Or what they went through to settle in Utah. Sometimes I feel bad that not only am I going through chemo and struggling through this, but that I'm also grieving the loss of my baby and the unknown of if I'll ever be able to have more children... and if I do have more children it will be years before I can even go there. But as soon as I dive back into the D&C I'm reminded that my trials are not even comparable to those of the pioneers.

For after much tribulation comes the blessings.... I think that one of the biggest parts of the battle is to have a positive attitude about it, and to continue to turn towards my Father in Heaven for help. I'm not being asked to fight for my religious freedom right now, but I am being asked to fight a different battle. A battle for my life, a battle to keep my family going, a battle to not wallow in depression, but to be a light and a beacon... even if to no one else but myself. To have faith... constant faith. To have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and his plan is perfect.

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here... this is nothing but my own thoughts on the matter. But I've been thinking a lot about this and I don't think that Heavenly Father gives people cancer... I've had a lot of people say to me, "Oh Heavenly Father doesn't give you more than you can handle, he must have known you could deal with this." Ya, I just don't believe that. I don't believe that he would give someone some horrible disease or problem to teach them a lesson. That does not sound like the loving Heavenly Father that I have come to know. I think that this is part of being human. When we were all up in heaven and there was a battle, between if Lucifer would be our Savior or if Jesus Christ would, the plan was laid out in front of us. Part of the plan that Jesus had was that we would have these human bodies to house our spirits and there would be diseases and trials that our bodies would be subject to. Nobody is immune to that... we knew that there would be a chance that if we got a body that all sorts of horrible things could happen to it. Yes, we've been given guidelines to live by to try and keep our bodies as healthy as we can so that hopefully we don't get diseases or illnesses that are horrible... but there are so many things that our bodies are subject to. I think that maybe that's a big part of why 1/3 of the people up there said, "No way... I'm not going to chance that." And so they didn't.

However... I believe that he knows. He knows everything, the beginning, the end. He knows what trials we will face and how to help us through them. He can't prevent us from going through a lot of things but he can comfort, he can send people and doctors into our lives to help. He can heal... I believe that sometimes we are given more than we could possibly handle on our own, so that we do come to him. So we do let him help carry our burdens for us. So that he can show us his hand in all things and that he does love us and care for us.

I've been reading through my patriarchal blessing a lot to try and understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me in this life. Have I done everything that I was sent here to do? Is this going to be it? I'm not sure... but I don't think that it is. I don't think that I'm done. I feel like there is more for me to accomplish in this life that I have not yet accomplished. I do however feel like in order to accomplish the things that I need to, I do need to go through some tribulation. I do need to have these experiences that have caused me to understand what it truly means to suffer, to mourn, to experience pain, to plead to my Heavenly Father for help.

I'm gaining a lot of empathy for people who do have illnesses that are constant. Things that they will live with their whole lives. I've been so healthy my whole life... I really had no clue what it was like to be so sick. To walk into the cancer center every other week and willingly sit down in that chair and have them give me chemo is a hard thing to do. Knowing that the next week I will be in constant pain, nauseous, not be able to eat or sleep without medication... I could go on but I wont. It's not an easy thing to willingly submit to. Just as the nasty side affects wear off and I start to feel pretty normal I go back and do the same thing over. And to have such a grim alternative... if I don't do this then the cancer will eventually kill me... that's the reality. I really am learning what it means to endure to the end.

In two weeks I'm going to have another PT scan to see how the cancer is doing. I'm hoping that it's gone, but I don't want to be disappointed if it's still there. I'm hoping for some good news though, whatever it is. I would love a little good news to through into 2009.

Anyway, sorry for all the rambling. These are the thoughts that I've had since reading that scripture a few nights ago. It does give me a lot of hope for what lies after the trials...

So far so good...

Drinking lots and lots of water...

Eating ice cream, Popsicles, and anything cold to hopefully slow down or prevent the mouth sores from starting...

I'm prone to them anyway and had a few before I even started so this is a must.

Also swishing with salt/baking soda water for the same purpose.

So far feeling a little fuzzy and weak but fine...

Thank you all so much for your prayers today... I could literally feel them.

I'm wearing my pj's and watching Dumbo with my favorite little guy.

...while eating ice cream! What could be better than that?