bangs...

I looked in the mirror the other day and I saw someone that I'm starting to recognize...

from March 2009

Me... and my cute bangs. They're finally back.

Welcome back... I've missed you!

Clean...

I saw my doctor today and got the good news that I was hoping for... my CT scan came back...

CLEAN

I can't even describe the relief that I feel that have another good scan. It's so stressful to do these follow up appointments... knowing what's in store if the scan isn't clean.

My doctor said that my lymph nodes are even smaller than they were at my last scan, which was 5 months ago. So even not being on chemo they are still shrinking. Less that 1 cm which is what we want!

8 months...

Life 8 months out of chemo...

... I think that maybe my hair will start to grow a little faster if I stop cutting it. The top of my hair is finally getting long enough that I think I can start to grow the back out and not have it look too awkward.

... It's really almost been nine months. I'm really slow at getting this picture taken this month. Next week will be my nine month mark and it has gone by pretty fast.

... I realize that I'm also wearing a yellow cardigan in the first picture, but this is a different one. It's my favorite thing in my wardrobe and I've looked for a good year for a decent yellow cardigan (the first one was not as cute as I'd hoped and super itchy...). So oh well if it throws off the whole picture collage, I'm okay with it because I love it.

... I have new glasses that I love. Tru ripped the arm off of my other ones while at the pool over the summer and I got some new ones a few months ago. I love how thick the frames are.

... I really like my job now. I've finally gotten used to it and gotten a lot faster at it and it's going really well. I've also cut down my hours a little to just 3 days a week because I really hate leaving Tru so much. I have a really hard time with it, so less hours it is!

... I'm not really feeling like blogging a lot these days. I think that part of it is that I spent a lot of time blogging and reading blogs when I was going through chemo, and now that I'm not I just don't feel like doing it so much. So sorry if I've sort of disappeared from the internet world here.

... Still thinking about doing a half marathon in March but not sure if I'll be able to pull it off. The farthest I've gone is 3 miles, so 10 more would be quiet a stretch.

... I have more scans coming up in two weeks. I was suppose to have them in December but put them off a month because I didn't want to pay my yearly deductible with my new insurance in the month of December. I'm glad they let me move it till next year. It makes me so nervous though to have these scans. I hope these ones are totally uneventful...

... Once my scans are done I'm going to be doing a detox cleanse. I've never done one before but I've been reading up on it in this awesome book called Clean. It's written by a cardiologist who started doing more integrative medicine. I just feel so different than I did before chemo. I keep getting colds, UTI's, my joints hurt almost all the time, my skin is worse than it was when I was 15 years old. The basic idea behind it is that toxins build up in your body over time and really weight down all of the systems in your body, and the toxicities manifest themselves in things like constant colds, sickness, no energy... etc. I agree with that, but more than that I put poisonous toxins in my body for 6 months to kill cancer, and I think that it's still having affects on my body. So I'm going to do it. It's for 3 weeks, and you drink 2 liquid meals a day (veggie and fruit smoothies) and eat one solid meal a day. I'm nervous, I've never done anything this radical, but I really want to try it to see if it helps me out. I think that I'm going to blog about it on my other blog though, so if you care to follow it, it will be posted over there.

... Most importantly right now, I'm enjoy my time with my boys. They are my best friends and we have so much fun together. I'm so blessed to have my wonderful family.

Six months...

Six months after chemo...

... I worked 50 hours last week. I'm so glad to have a day off. I'm exhausted...
... No one at work knows that I had cancer (except the girl who hired me). Sometimes I feel like I lead a double life.
... It's now been 1 1/2 months since I stared working with the doctors and am finally starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of this job and I just might survive this. I have to say it's a pretty amazing thing to be on the other side of the curtain.
... With that being said, I am now busier than I ever have been before. When I'm not working, I'm just trying to do laundry, dishes, spending whatever time I can with my boys... and sewing. Those are my priorities... family, work, and sewing. Because I have to do a little something for myself to have some down time.
... We are all starting to settle into this new schedule. Tru loves the people who watch him, which makes it a little easier for me to leave him. Trent is getting the hang of me not being around so much too ;).
... For the first time in our marriage our freezer is full of frozen pizza.
... I'm finally starting to feel like I have some hair on my head! It's about 3 inches (in some parts) now.
... I've now lost all of my chemo weight (10 ish lbs). Now to lose the baby weight... from a baby I had 1 1/2 years ago... that is not even here... sometimes I feel like the emotional baggage weighs a lot more than the physical.
... In my dreams at night I either have long beautiful hair, or my hair is all falling out again. I'm going to go ahead and diagnose myself with post traumatic stress disorder (and not just because of the hair).
... I've decided that all three of us are going to grow out our hair.
... I'm trying to focus a lot more on keeping my body healthy. Taking good vitamins everyday, making sure I get enough sleep, eating good healthy food (just ignore the frozen pizza comment I made earlier... it's not for me), trying to manage my stress (I think I struggle with this one the most). I just want to feel good and I'm not quite back to that yet.
... I can now run 3 miles without stopping.
... I have not been able to wear my wedding ring since December. I weight less now than I did in December so I'm not what the heck is going on! I'm trying to decide if I should pay $100 to get it re sized or just wait till I lose the weight (who knows how long that will take). I really miss wearing it...
... In this last week I do finally feel like I'm turning the corner, starting to head back uphill instead of down. Maybe that's because I've now been off chemo for as long as I was on... not sure.

I'm just glad to be where I am today instead of where I was 6 month or a year ago.

*** Now for the out takes***

I usually do this when my boy is napping... but instead I had a helper today. He wanted to pose for a picture too. Such an adorable boy! I'm one lucky mama!

September 4...

One year ago from today was when I was officially diagnosed with Hodgkin's. I'm so grateful to be where I am today than where I was a year ago.

I feel like I should be celebrating or something! But I'm always finding a reason to celebrate not having cancer and Trent keeps saying, "Haven't we already celebrated this seven times???"

Ya... I'm pretty sure I'm going to be celebrating not having cancer for the rest of my life!

That I would be good...

Why do we sometimes place our self worth in our appearance, or our talents, or our ability to take care of ourselves and our families? Especially as women, I think that we try really hard to do it all, be everything to everyone (including ourselves) and when we fall short (or in my case extremely short) we just don't feel like we are amounting to anything? I'm not sure, but I don't like it.

I think I am really feeling the "long term side affects" from the last year and a half of my life. I'm trying to piece myself back together after taking a spin in the blender. It's not so fun all the time.

I'm so glad to be done with cancer (hopefully forever), done with chemo, getting my hair and strength back... but there is so much that I need to piece back together still. So much.

I've always been a fairly confident girl. I think I've pretty much always had pretty high self esteem... until now. Ya, I think that it's safe to say that my self image and self esteem has taken a huge plummet over the last little while and I'm trying to discover how to like myself again. How to be comfortable and accepting of this girl that is left over after all of this mess. It's hard. But most things that are uncomfortable and unfamiliar are hard. I've really noticed in this last week that I have been away from home all day, with other smart and intelligent adults, just how horrible my internal dialect to myself is. I'm horrible to myself. I'm always putting myself down, thinking that whatever I say is stupid, I really don't say very nice things to myself inside of my head and that is not super great for my self confidence now is it?

I never wanted to "let myself go" so to speak. I always prided myself on being healthy, being active, looking good for my husband. It's hard to feel good about your appearance when you have taken that blender ride. I've discovered that in the past I have placed a lot of my self worth in my appearance. So now, I'm finding it hard to like myself when I don't feel good about my appearance. It's not just physical appearance either, I feel like I appear lazy, boring, not fun anymore. It's a hard hole to dig out of.

Thank goodness for Trent. He is constantly reminding me that I need to cut myself some slack. That the events of the year have played an enormous roll on how I look, how I feel, and the whole chemistry of my body, and it will probably take a while before I get back to where I want to be, both emotionally and physically. He always knows what to say to keep me slightly sane.

I was having a hard time with this last week. Feeling pretty crummy about myself. Then my best friend gave me the beautiful reminder that I really needed. She reminded me of a song that we loved when we were in high school. I loved this song so much I even choreographed a dance to it for the Dance Company I was a part of. The dance was about a girl struggling with an eating disorder (I love modern dance...) and it was a beautiful song for that.

The song is called That I Would Be Good by one of my favorite musicians ever... Alanis Morissette. Please listen to this song. It speaks so much truth. I downloaded it after my amazinglyintunedtomyinstantneeds friend reminded me of it, and I could not stop bawling as I listened to the words...

For those of you who didn't want to watch the video... shame! But here are the words anyway...

That I would be good, even if I did nothing.

That I would be good, even if I got a thumbs down.

That I would be good, if I got and stayed sick.

That I would be good, even if I gained ten pounds.

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt.

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth.

That I would be great if I was no longer queen.

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing.

That I would be loved even when I am not myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.

That I would be loved even when I was fuming.

That I would be good even if I was clingy.

That I would be good even if I lost sanity.

That I would be good whether with or without you.

Thank you Corinne... thank you Alanis... those were all words that I have needed to hear in this last little while.

I am still good.

I am still good.

I am still...

Good.

Deported...

Now you see it (if you want a real good picture of it go here)...

Now you don't...

Unless of course you take a look in this little sterile urine sample cup (what???)...

Is that weird that I asked to keep it? For my credit, I asked if I could keep it while I was totally under the influence of some wonderful drug that made me feel like I was floating in the sky. I mean, it's been with me for the past 9 months... I guess I felt like throwing it in the trash was a little harsh... or maybe I just wanted a cool souvenir?

The doctor who took it out was the same doctor that put it in. He said that one lady kept hers and took the rubbery center out and put a jewel in there, and wore it as a necklace...

Don't worry... I wont be sporting a power port necklace any time soon. Purple really isn't my color.

Thank you power port for saving my arm. I highly recommend getting a port if you are ever in the situation to need one (I hope you never are though...).

Four months...

What life is like four months after chemo...

... had my first haircut yesterday. Just had the back trimmed up so that it wasn't longer than the top. That's not quite the look I'm going for. So the curls are gone for now, but they'll be back.

... had my first job interview today... maybe it will be my last for a while (that means it went well).

... potty training Tru finally, more on that later.

... made homemade peppermint patties with my friend yesterday. They are delicious.

... trying to figure out what life is going to be like after next week when Trent starts school.

... finally feel well enough to be getting some deep cleaning done around here which is much needed.

... looking forward to getting my port out Wednesday. That will be so nice.

Yes, I have a lot to be smiling about right now.

and the results are...

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!

My scan came back showing the same results as last time... meaning something is lighting up in the scan, but they don't think it's cancer. They think it might be my thymus lighting up (your thymus is a gland that is behind your sternum and in front of your heart. It is part of your immune system). Or they think it could even just be the blood flowing through my aorta, or it could be scar tissue... either way it has not grown at all so they do not think that it's cancer.

Oh sweet relief! I'm having another scan done in four months. It will just be a CT scan because my doc is not super happy with how PET scans keep lighting up on people like me, causing worry. He says that he has a lot of other Hodgkin patients with the same thing going on. He said that my CT scan showed absolutely nothing.

I'm so relieved... it will be nice to be able to look for a job without the worry of "well maybe I still have cancer" hanging over my head. Trent can start his program and we can start moving forward with our life. I'm so grateful that things are going well...

pic

Sunrise Hike...

When I realized that the weekend of the Brighton Reunion was going to be the same weekend that marks one year from when I discovered my cancer... I immediately had a great big goal in mind. Up at Brighton they do a hike called the sunrise hike where you wake up at 3 AM and hike to the top of a mountain peak and watch the sunrise. It was one of my favorite hikes when I worked there and I used to gladly made the sacrifice to wake up at that awful hour to watch the sunrise. Once I realized they would be doing this hike at the reunion on the morning of July 31 (one year from discovering my lump) I really really wanted to do this. It just seemed like such a huge thing, to be able to make it to the top of this mountain peak exactly a year later and be there when the sun came up.

I knew that it would be a stretch... that only four months after finishing chemo I might not be up to hiking for three hours to see the sunrise. This was the main reason why I've been trying to push myself to exercise and get some energy back so that I would be able to do this hike. I didn't tell very many people about this goal because I didn't want others to know how completely disappointed I would be if it didn't happen.

I had asked around to some of my Brighton friends that I knew would be there if they were planning on doing the hike... so that I wouldn't be alone! Once I got sick I knew there was no way on earth that I would be able to do the hike. I was pretty sad about it, but I decided that just being able to be up at Brighton would be enough...

When I got up to camp my good friend Pebblez asked me if I was planning on doing the hike. I told her how I had been so sick and I knew that there was no way I would physically be able to do it. I told her how it was the one year anniversary of finding my cancer and how I really wanted to do this, but it wasn't going to happen. Well... Miss Pebblez is good friends with the Camp Director Floss (the head of Brighton Camp) as am I... and she went and talked to Floss and got special permission to take me on the four wheeler up to the saddle and then we would hike the rest of the way to the top. Someone even had to ride down the canyon that night to get extra gas for the four wheeler so that we could make the trip. Pebblez husband who was there even went the night before to make sure he could get the four wheeler around the fence on the road so that we could make the trip. I tell you... I have never been so touched that someone would do something like this for me. Really, I just cry whenever I think about it.

So that was that! This dream I have had all year of making it to the top of the mountain was going to come true. I was so excited... this hike was pretty much the highlight of the trip for me. I have always called this mountain Mount Majestic... but it is also called Clayton's Peak. I'm sure that I knew that, but I had forgotten that until the night before when they were announcing the leaving time and details of the hike. Clayton's Peak... this hike suddenly had even more meaning for me than before.

Here I am pointing at Clayton's Peak. If you look close towards the top of the mountain you see a little road. That's the saddle that we road the four wheeler to and we hiked the rest of the way to the top.

So Saturday morning I was up and ready by 4 AM to make the ride. Zazu and Pebblez (hubby and wife) woke up to take me on the ride. I asked Zazu if he was planning on doing this hike if it wasn't to ride me up and he said no. Isn't that so nice of him! Plus they have three adorable little kids they had to go home to that day and they still woke up at the crack of dawn to do this for me.

Here we are at the saddle (this pic was after the hike). It took us about 40 minutes from this point to make it to the top. It was hard... we were stopping every few minutes for me to catch my breath and straighten my shaky legs. At this point it is just rock scrambling and so it was a lot of lifting your legs and hoisting yourself over rocks. I have no muscle tone in my legs anymore to do such things so this was a big challenge. We took it slow though and I was able to make it.

See... a whole lot of rocks!

I made it!! Waiting for the sunrise. The valley you see below is Heber Valley.

Me and Miss Sunny! There were so many girls that I worked with who went on this hike with me. It was so nice to have them up here on the top with me.

Here are all the girls I worked with that made it to the top with me. Danza, Pebblez, Cookie, Kodak and me...

And here she is... in all of her beauty and wonder. The sun made her remarkable appearance and made the whole journey worth it! It was a beautiful sunrise! I have always loved seeing the sunrise better than seeing the sunset because in order to see a beautiful sunrise you have to work for it. You have to get up really early, and to really see it like this you have to be really high up. It was remarkable...

Me and my miracle worker Pebblez. I will never forget what she did for me. She pulled the strings and made it possible for me to do this hike. I'm so thankful for her and her selfless attitude. Her friendship and love. I love you Pebblez!!!

I was literally on top of the world! It was amazing! I loved being up there. We got there about 30 minutes before the rest of the hikers made it to the top. It gave me some time to soak it all in and reflect on what it took to get to this point... both the hike and just in my life. While we were riding up on the four wheeler I couldn't help but think about how similar an experience it was to what I went through with having cancer. I was sitting on the front of the four wheeler, being propelled forward in the dark and the wind. It was a little scary, to be honest, but I couldn't help but think of how similar that was to going through my trial. I am the one that had to ride in the front, do the chemo, go through all the scans and appointments. But I did not do it alone. I had a huge support group that pretty much carried me the whole way. This was never a trial that I had to face by myself, I was helped every step of the way.

Even when we got to the end when I had to hike up to the top, that was tough. I just don't have the muscle tone in my legs anymore to continuously lift up my leg and hoist myself onto rock after rock. It reminded me a lot of the last few months of chemo. I was so tired and exhausted but I knew that I had to just keep going until I was done, no matter how tired and sore I was.

What started as a cool goal I wanted to achieve on my year mark, turned into a very uplifting and spiritual experience for me. As I was sitting on the top of the mountain and we were all waiting for the sun to make it's appearance I got that tight feeling in my chest. You know the one you get when you are sitting in a fast and testimony meeting and you feel like you need to share you testimony. Yep, that's the one... it happened on the mountain. I felt a little dumb but I couldn't ignore the feeling. So I told the 20 or so other hikers up there about my experience and was able to bear my testimony to them. It was a wonderful and touching moment in my life. My faith and testimony were strengthened through this experience. It was confirmed to me again that Heavenly Father knows me. He knows the desires of my heart. He loves me and watches over me and my family. He is the one who carries me through the hard moments in life and rejoices with me in the wonderful ones. He loves me.

Thank you again to everyone who made this moment possible for me. I could never had made my journey through cancer alone or my journey to the peak alone. We are all in this big world together, helping each other out in whatever obstacles we are facing.

Life is beautiful...

I will be grateful for this day...

+

I found this poster tonight, and it perfectly fits my bi-polar mood. I'm pretty sure that I need to get this and hang it on my bedroom wall, to remind myself that even though I'm still in the middle of my own personal storm... I can still be grateful for each day.





I'm learning a lot about myself right now. I'm learning that I am a strong person, who can overcome obstacles that I never imagined I would be going through. But I'm also learning that I am human, I have feelings and emotions that explode on me when I ignore them and pretend like they don't exist. I'm learning that it's okay to have bad days and to feel bad about my situation, but to not let these bad days control my life. I need to let the clouds come, pour their rain down, and then let them go and move on.





I've known this for a while... but it's been reconfirmed to me that Heavenly Father has a bit of a sense of humor. I was given a new calling in my ward. I'm going to be the 4th Sunday Relief Society teacher. My first lesson is this week and it's on the talk give by Elder Uchtdorf called Continuing in Patience. Fitting... don't you think?

Two months pic...

Remember this totally awesome picture I took the last day that I had chemo?

Ya... that was wonderful. I had this brilliant idea the other day to take a picture of myself every two months sitting here at my kitchen table. You know, to see the progress. Too bad I didn't think of this a month after I finished, but I think every two months will show great progress.

So here is my picture, two months post chemo.

Progress my friends, progress...

Feeling...

Someone asked me how I was feeling...

My absence from the blogging world shows that I am feeling GREAT!!!

I'm finally up off of the couch and doing things again. Yesterday I decided that I wanted to make a skirt for myself and I honestly burst into tears as I crouched on the ground, cutting out my pattern. It's been so long since I've been able to do something for me like this. I usually spend the energy I have to do the things that I have to do like laundry, cleaning, dishes. So that was really nice to have the time and energy to sew a skirt again.

I really am feeling terrific. I've been working out, making three meals a day, keeping up on all the chores around here, going swimming with my boys, I am feeling wonderful.

I have my days, when I've done too much and I have to slow down and take it easy, but those days are getting farther and farther apart from each other so that is good.

It's funny how the mind forgets. It's only been two months since my last treatment but I'm already forgetting how time consuming and burdensome it was to go through chemo. It's been a whole month since my arm has been pricked for a blood draw. I'm so glad...

The only real side effect I've noticed from being on chemo is that sometimes my fingers and my toes will go numb for no reason. It's like they just fall asleep and tingle... it's weird. I think that it's nerve damage from the chemo, but it's not debilitating at all so I'm okay with that.

Also, I've decided to keep my blog public for now. I've been thinking long and hard about this one, and I think I will keep it open. I started this to be a family blog and I've never really done that. I've really just used this to talk about my feelings on things and thrown in a picture here and there. I'm not really good at documenting, "we did this on Monday, and this on Tuesday..." Yes it may seem a little self centered to have a blog just about me, but I'm getting over that ;). I'm just going to keep things the way that they are and if you'd like to stay for the ride... great!

If I do decide I'm going to be a dedicated family blogger then I will open another blog and just invite our family and friends.

Anyway... I'm really feeling awesome. Thanks for asking ;).