bangs...

I looked in the mirror the other day and I saw someone that I'm starting to recognize...

from March 2009

Me... and my cute bangs. They're finally back.

Welcome back... I've missed you!

Fingers...

I'm not really trying to scare anyone with this picture, but this is what happens to my fingers when they get cold. My fingernails turn blue and the tips go white, and I can't feel them at all. Totally numb. I hate it, it makes it really hard to use my fingers.

The weather turned this last week. We had a few nice weeks in the 80's and now it's in the 60's-50's. I don't know how my fingers are going to survive the winter. I really don't. I've never been a gloves type of girl, but I might be sporting a Michael Jackson look for the next few months so that my fingers don't fall off.

And it's making me seriously consider if I want to move back to Utah sometime where it gets really cold... I don't know. I think that it's some type of damage from the chemotherapy because I've never had this happen before. I guess it's a small price to pay for saving my life right?

Birthday...

I had to work all day yesterday on my birthday so it wasn't that fun to be honest ;). I had a great doctor and it was a good day for the most part. I did finally have a situation at work that totally triggered my heart strings and made me so sad... when you are around sick and hurt people all day you get pretty used to it, but we had a patient who was pregnant and threatening miscarriage and her ultrasound showed that she had the same problem that I had with Clayton. When I pulled up her ultrasound to show the doctor I gasped... the doctor just sort of looked at me and said, "You okay?" I just told him that I had been through this with my second child (the doc already knows that I just have one kid so I think he got the message). We left it at that, even though he kept bringing up how sad it was that there was nothing that could be done for this girl, that she would just have to wait and see. So then I had to stand there, right next to this poor girl, clicking away on my computer, while the doctor tried to explain everything that was going on and what her odds were. It was not fun, but I'm glad that I held myself together until I got to the restroom. You just never know when the pain and remembrance of it is going to hit... and I'm always glad that there is a restroom or some privacy nearby when it does.

It was a long day, and I was so shocked and surprised to come home to a house full of balloons and streamers, and a delicious dinner waiting for me! I have the best husband. It made my day that he was so thoughtful.

I wish that this kid would hold still for two seconds so that I could take his picture! He was mostly interested in the cake. He wouldn't eat any of his dinner though so he went to bed without any cake...

Salad, squash, mashed potatoes, and asparagus wrapped in chicken. It was so tasty! I love my husband!

And Sprite with lime... of course. The best drink in the world! He even pulled out our wedding china. It was a nice end to a long day.

My little buddy didn't want his picture taken. I love these men in my life that spoil me.

Hospital training...

Wow.

I am freaking tired...

I just finished my hospital training today. All week I have been in the hospital, trying to keep my head above the water. This job is intense. More than a few times I have wondered what on earth I have gotten myself into.

My feet are throbbing from standing on them for 10 hours a day. Forget ever wearing contacts again. Having to look at a computer for those 10 hours just makes my eyes kill. Doctor's shouting out orders, meds, test results, in a language that sounds a whole lot like Latin to me (maybe because it is...) I dont' speak {much} Latin.

Monday will be my first day on my own, without a well seasoned scribe looking over my shoulder... pointing out the dozens of mistakes that I make and things that I forget. I'm nervous. Super nervous. But I try to remind myself that they were all new scribes once too, and somehow they made it through. Someday it will all click and I will be a charting whiz. I'm sure of it... or at least I keep telling myself that.

I honestly wont be able to talk a whole lot about my job on this little blog of mine. It's never a dull day in the ER. There are always lots of interesting stories, and patients, and things that happen. But they are not my stories, they are other people's nightmares. Nobody wants to be in the ER... okay, some of them do... but to me that is just as sad as someone who really does need to be there. I think that probably the only people who really want to go to the hospital are people who are having babies, but we don't get any of those. They all go to labor and delivery and we get all the girls who are having miscarriages. It's sad, sometimes extremely sad. But I just remind myself that we are there to help them through their medical nightmares. Just like others have been there for me and will be there for me and my family when we need it. That makes going through the sad situations more bearable.

I'm grateful to have a break tomorrow. To soak my throbbing feet. To think about something else besides resetting fractures, suicide attempts, addiction withdrawls, sewing up lacerations, metastasized cancer, stroke victims, intubations, importing EKG's and X-rays, or googling different doctors names to make sure I have the spelling right. To spend some time with some amazing boys that I haven't seen much of this week. To sit on my favorite spot on the couch that I have become quite used to this last year and a half. Life is certainly much different now. Completely different now. As hard as it seems right now, I'm grateful for the change. To feel like I'm contributing in my own way to my family and to society.

Please say a little prayer for me on Monday. I'm going to need it.

Passed...

Oh my word... This last week has been totally insane!!! This last week all I have really done is study, study, study, study, STUDY! It has been a total crash course on medical terminology. I felt totally unprepared for what I would need to learn for this job, but the hours of study have paid off.

I PASSED MY TEST!!!

Not only did I pass, I totally killed it! I only missed three questions and it was due to spelling errors (not only needing to know the medical terms but to spell them correctly). My head is killing me, but I'm feeling pretty awesome right now that I actually did this. It has been so intense.

That is one thick stack of flash cards... geez! So what is it I'm trying to be able to do?

I'm going to be working in the Emergency Room as a Medical Scribe. I am so excited for this! It's going to be really crazy, I will be in the room while the doctor examines the patient, transcribing everything. Inputting all the test results onto their charts, taking down everything that happens during and emergency room visit. I have to be able to know everything that the doctor will be talking about, and there are lots of things that get seen in the ER. Yes, I'm a little bit nervous for this. I know that it is going to be a hard and intense job but I am so excited for it. For those of you that know me, this is right up my alley. I've always been interested in medical stuff and have always wanted to work in the medical field and this will be a great fit for me I think.

The part that makes me the most nervous is that usually the things that come into the emergency room are, well, emergencies. Car accidents, heart attacks, very serious stuff. I know that I will be seeing things that are pretty gory and bloody, but I think that I will be able to handle it.

Anyway.... I still have to do training in the hospital and so hopefully I'm able to pick up on the charting system easily. I'm just so glad that I passed this test. After not going to school for 4 1/2 years, and having a bit of chemo brain on top of it, this is a really big accomplishment for me.

The best part about it is that the manager is a classmate of Trent's and she knew that I had cancer, and still wanted to hire me anyway. Bless her heart. I'm so glad there are good and compassionate people in the world that are willing to give damaged goods like myself a chance ;).

And I am glad to see that my brain still works and that I will be able to help other people out in this job of mine.

And hopefully I never run into any of you at work, deal?

Miss him...

The tears didn't start flowing until I left for my fourth day of work. He didn't want me to go. He held on to my hand and said, "Trusen go to work, Trusen go to work!!" It broke my heart. I miss my little guy. I sit there in training and think how strange it is to not be talking about dragons and dinosaurs all day!

I know he is in good hands, but I miss him. I hate that I only have a few hours with him a day right now. It really does break my heart. The other day I came home and he was napping, and I cuddled up right next to him. It was a tender moment. Listening to his breath, holding my little boy in my arms. I'm so lucky to have him.

I've always been such a huge advocate of being a stay at home mom. However, I don't know that my time at home with him would be very enjoyable if we didn't have enough money to pay the bills, and buy food, and provide the necessities of life for ourselves... including this little one. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. But I have noticed that Tru has been acting very differently since I've been gone. He's super clingy when I get home, just wants me to sit on the couch and hold him all day. He suddenly doesn't know how to put his flip flops on anymore or how to put the milk back in the fridge. He wants me to do EVERYTHING for him, or with him, or having my hand on his when he does it. It's fairly exhausting, and I hate to say that he will get used to this... but I know that we both will.

I keep reminding myself that this is not a permanent situation. It's temporary. And the reason we are all running around with our heads cut off with these new crazy schedules and plans is so that we will be able to be in a better situation in a year and the rest of our lives hopefully. And Tru and I will be able to talk about dinosaurs and dragons all day again.

That I would be good...

Why do we sometimes place our self worth in our appearance, or our talents, or our ability to take care of ourselves and our families? Especially as women, I think that we try really hard to do it all, be everything to everyone (including ourselves) and when we fall short (or in my case extremely short) we just don't feel like we are amounting to anything? I'm not sure, but I don't like it.

I think I am really feeling the "long term side affects" from the last year and a half of my life. I'm trying to piece myself back together after taking a spin in the blender. It's not so fun all the time.

I'm so glad to be done with cancer (hopefully forever), done with chemo, getting my hair and strength back... but there is so much that I need to piece back together still. So much.

I've always been a fairly confident girl. I think I've pretty much always had pretty high self esteem... until now. Ya, I think that it's safe to say that my self image and self esteem has taken a huge plummet over the last little while and I'm trying to discover how to like myself again. How to be comfortable and accepting of this girl that is left over after all of this mess. It's hard. But most things that are uncomfortable and unfamiliar are hard. I've really noticed in this last week that I have been away from home all day, with other smart and intelligent adults, just how horrible my internal dialect to myself is. I'm horrible to myself. I'm always putting myself down, thinking that whatever I say is stupid, I really don't say very nice things to myself inside of my head and that is not super great for my self confidence now is it?

I never wanted to "let myself go" so to speak. I always prided myself on being healthy, being active, looking good for my husband. It's hard to feel good about your appearance when you have taken that blender ride. I've discovered that in the past I have placed a lot of my self worth in my appearance. So now, I'm finding it hard to like myself when I don't feel good about my appearance. It's not just physical appearance either, I feel like I appear lazy, boring, not fun anymore. It's a hard hole to dig out of.

Thank goodness for Trent. He is constantly reminding me that I need to cut myself some slack. That the events of the year have played an enormous roll on how I look, how I feel, and the whole chemistry of my body, and it will probably take a while before I get back to where I want to be, both emotionally and physically. He always knows what to say to keep me slightly sane.

I was having a hard time with this last week. Feeling pretty crummy about myself. Then my best friend gave me the beautiful reminder that I really needed. She reminded me of a song that we loved when we were in high school. I loved this song so much I even choreographed a dance to it for the Dance Company I was a part of. The dance was about a girl struggling with an eating disorder (I love modern dance...) and it was a beautiful song for that.

The song is called That I Would Be Good by one of my favorite musicians ever... Alanis Morissette. Please listen to this song. It speaks so much truth. I downloaded it after my amazinglyintunedtomyinstantneeds friend reminded me of it, and I could not stop bawling as I listened to the words...

For those of you who didn't want to watch the video... shame! But here are the words anyway...

That I would be good, even if I did nothing.

That I would be good, even if I got a thumbs down.

That I would be good, if I got and stayed sick.

That I would be good, even if I gained ten pounds.

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt.

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth.

That I would be great if I was no longer queen.

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing.

That I would be loved even when I am not myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.

That I would be loved even when I was fuming.

That I would be good even if I was clingy.

That I would be good even if I lost sanity.

That I would be good whether with or without you.

Thank you Corinne... thank you Alanis... those were all words that I have needed to hear in this last little while.

I am still good.

I am still good.

I am still...

Good.

History repeats itself...

About 4 1/2 years ago...

Losing the baby:: I've talked about my miscarriage before on this blog, but about 4 1/2 years ago Trent and I thought it would be a good time to start our family. After 12 weeks of pregnancy I miscarried the baby. I had been planning on having the baby in the fall and staying at home while Trent finished up his last year of school. These plans dissolved and I needed to find another option (meaning a job).

Not able to get pregnant:: I really wanted to get pregnant again after losing that baby, but it didn't happen for a long time. It took us about a year to get pregnant with Tru after the miscarriage. A year that I spent working, trying to pass the time.

Needing to find a job:: Since I was not going to be having a baby, and I was done with school, I knew that I really needed to find a job. Living out on the North Shore of Oahu I knew that it would be hard to find a job. I also figured I would probably have to do the hour drive to Honolulu to find a job, since the part of the island we were on was considered "the country" and there wasn't a whole lot of good job opportunities out there. I prayed earnestly that I would be able to find a good job that would be good for our family.

The job:: Not too long after I started looking for a job the perfect job fell into my lap. The School of Education at BYUH needed an Administrative Assistant because the one they had was moving back to the mainland. My sweet boss, Denise, referred me to them. Her husband is part of the faculty over at the SOE and she gave me a great referral. A week after I applied to the job I was hired! This job was absolutely perfect for me at this time in our life! The building was right on the corner of the married student housing that we lived in. I could walk to work everyday. I didn't have to travel two hours a day to Honolulu... This job was very challenging for me and a lot of hard work for sure. It stretched me in ways that I didn't know were possible. I never really understood why the plan for me at that time was to work instead of starting my family, but it was. I'm grateful for that experience and feel that I have been able to be a more organized mom, wife, and homemaker because of what I learned in that job.

Flash forward to 2009/2010...

Losing the baby:: Once again, we wanted to grow our little family and I lost the baby. I was planning on having our second son in the Fall and staying home while Trent went back to school. My plans were dissolved when we lost little Clayton.

Not able to get pregnant:: I desperately wanted to get pregnant again as soon as I could after losing Clayton. However... finding out I had cancer of all things thwarted that plan. I can't even tell you the number of times I have been asked if I was pregnant over this last year due to all of the tests, scans, drugs, surgeries that I have had. It would be incredibly dangerous for me and for a baby to be pregnant during any of this. Now that I am done with all of the treatments for my cancer I have been advised by my doctors to not get pregnant for quite a while. So while I would love to be in a place in life where I can have more babies, give Tru some siblings, and stay at home with them, that is not an option for me right now.

Needing to find a job:: Trent is going to be doing a one year nursing program starting on Monday. I've known for quite a while that I really needed to find a job so that we could financially do this. Unfortunately we have not been able to save up much (any) money over this last year for his schooling because of all my medical bills. I have been so nervous about finding a job and have felt so insecure about doing this because of a few reasons. First being, hello.... I've had cancer! I waited until I felt like I didn't look like a cancer patient anymore before I even started looking for a job because I didn't want any employers to not want to hire me because of this. I gave myself until the end of July to heal and recover before starting the job search. Also, I was super nervous about even being able to find a job because the job market where I live right now is horrible!!! I think there is a 13% unemployment rate with lines and lines of people waiting for interviews when a job is available. Not a great time to be looking for a job.

*** Now... I would just like to say that at the time that I was starting to look for a job I made this connection in my mind. That I have been through a situation very similar to this before. I remembered that I had needed a job then and that Heavenly Father blessed me with the perfect job that fell right into my lap. When I made this connection I felt very strongly that this would happen again, and that I needed to calm down a little bit and let Heavenly Father work his magic for me again, because I really needed it!***

The job:: History did repeat itself my friends. The perfect job fell right into my lap. Trent had a few night classes with a girl who is the manager of a certain company (I'll tell you more about it later). He asked her if she would be hiring anytime soon and she said that she would do some hiring in the summer. I e-mailed her when I was ready to start looking for a job and she wrote me back and arranged an interview. Lets just say it was the best interview I have ever had, and she hired me right on the spot. And the job, is perfect, I am so excited for what I will be doing. The hours will hopefully be flexible enough that I will only have to work 4 days a week and spend the most time with Tru that I can. If I work it well enough Trent can be home with Tru for some of the days when I am working.

I can't help but feel incredibly blessed right now. A few weeks ago I didn't have a clue how we could possibly do any of this. Nothing seemed like it was going to work out. But I can't help but recognize Heavenly Father's hand in all areas of my life right now. I feel as though after a really hard period of trial, sadness, and hardship he is now pouring the blessings down upon our family. Getting this job is just one of the multiple blessings that have happened in the last few weeks. It truly has been miraculous to watch all the pieces come together so smoothly. I feel so incredibly blessed.

I don't want to say yet what the job is, mainly because I have two weeks of training and then have to pass a test in order to really have the job. I start training tomorrow, and I'm going to be studying a whole lot over this next little while. One thing I will say though is that it is in the medical field, which is where I really wanted to work but wasn't sure I would be able to because I have no experience working in the medical field. I'm so excited to be doing this though!

:: We went out to celebrate last week. We both got fortune cookies. Trent who never believes hidden meaning or signs in any area of his life read his fortune and said, "Wow, you have to read this!" It said... You will be saved from a financial disaster as if by magic... so true, so true.

Last Week...

This post contains some really gross pictures of my mouth... but I felt like it was important to document ;). So if you don't want to see them then move along...

I felt like documenting this horrible sickness is important to the story I'm going to share next, because I feel like it truly was a miracle I got better as fast as I did.

Friday - Starting to get some sores in my mouth. Think it's just from stress.

Saturday - Sore have doubled and I can no longer eat solid food. Start taking pain meds around the clock because it hurts so bad.

Sunday - Sores have doubled again. I'm starting to think that this is not from stress. I'm suppose to teach the lesson in Relief Society but can't even talk. I go anyway and numb my mouth with lidocaine right before the lesson and somehow make it through. I come home from church and sleep. When I wake up I'm in so much pain I want to die. I make Trent take me to the emergency room because I really have not been in this much pain before (I probably have but this was bad). There were like 150 people in the waiting room so I decide I'm going to tough it out till the morning. We come home and Trent gives me a blessing. He says that my mouth will heal quickly and I will be able to do the things that I want to do next week.

Monday - Wake up, my whole body is covered in hives. I throw clothes on and go to the quick care. Doctor looks at my throat and asks if there is any reason why I would have a suppressed immune system right now. The way he says it makes me think that he thinks I have AIDS or something.... I tell him that I had cancer and just finished chemo 4 months ago. He tells me I have herpangina (isn't that the most awful name for an infection like this ever!!!) which is something kids are suppose to get. He gives me some steroids to help my mouth heal and I go home. I still can't eat, haven't eaten since Saturday. Only liquids when trying to take pain pills. I go home and go back to bed.

Tuesday - Wake up, feel like the sores are starting to heal a little bit. Take these awesome pictures of my mouth. I couldn't get all of them in a picture, but here are the ones in my throat and under my tongue. Start feeling so sad because the Brighton Reunion is this weekend and there is no way I'm going to feel well enough in two days to drive up to Utah and go to this. Decide that I'm going to try and choke down some nasty Cambell's Chicken Noodle soup because I really need the energy. While I'm stirring my soup I feel a strong impression that I will be better in two days to make the drive, and that I will be able to reach a goal I have had for myself all year.

Wednesday - Wake up, am able to talk a little bit for the first time in days. Still very weak and need to lay down for most of the day. Spend all day debating on if I will be able to make this drive tomorrow, or pack my stuff to go, I'm still not sure if I can do this. Start eating soups to try and get my energy back.

Thursday - Wake up, feel like I really can do this. Get the rest of my bags packed and head out the door at 10 AM. Drive 7 hours to Utah with Tru. Am able to eat solid food for the first time. The sores in my mouth are about 80% healed since Tuesday.

Friday - Can't sleep the night before because I am so excited to be going up to Brighton. I feel so happy and grateful that my prayers were answered and that I am able to do this. This reunion is the one thing that I have been looking forward to all year. While I laid in my bed for months on end, I would dream about coming back up to Brighton and seeing my friends. I really wanted to go on a certain hike this weekend but I realize that I will not be able to do it because I have been so sick... so I settle for just being able to go to Brighton and being there. Leave with my mom and sister around 3 PM and head up to Brighton...

***I really do feel like it was a total miracle that I healed so fast and was able to go up to Brighton. Last weekend was the one year mark from when I discovered my cancer and I was so happy when I realized this monumental weekend for me would fall on the Brighton weekend.

Stunning...

Have you ever had a moment when you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, and it stops you in your tracks... and you think...

Wow... I look really good. I look beautiful. My skin looks clear, my hair is nice, my eyes are glowing. I look stunning. I look stunning.

This is what happened to me last night as I walked into the bathroom after a very long and tiring day, to brush my teeth. It's been a long long long long time since I have had a moment like this. Where I have actually liked what I have seen in the mirror staring back at me. It felt really good.

Here's to more stunning moments in the mirror...

Curls???

Call me crazy... but I think that my wish just might be coming true! Is it just me... or are there curls coming in back there (Trent thinks its just me...)?

Hair cut...

It's official... I no longer have the shortest hair in the family. Trent buzzed Tru's head again even though I told him not too. This was one of those things that we didn't discuss before we got married... that Trent thinks little boys should have buzzed heads for summer and I do not. Had we discussed it, that might have been a deal breaker (just kidding... or am I?).

Blackbird...

I'm feeling a little bit in a slump right now... I thought that when I was done with chemo I would be so glad and would just jump back into life and everything would be wonderful. I guess I'm not really feeling that way, maybe I need to give it a few more days to get feeling better from the last treatment, I don't know.

I've been trying to figure out how you go back to living life when you've been sick in bed for A YEAR... It really has been a year, there is very little that has happened in my life in the last year that hasn't involved my health or being sick. We had one glorious week when we went to Washington D.C. to visit Trent's brother and his wife that we did not have a care in the world, we just enjoyed our time and had a lot of fun... then a week later I found the lump, and we were right back into the depths... if you will.

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis I think. Who am I now? How has this changed me? When I think of the "Meg" that I know she is funny, confident, loves to run and exercise, takes good care of her home and family, creative, gets things done.... I feel like I am so far away from the girl that I once was, it makes me so sad.

So how does one pick themselves up and dust off from such events? I feel very broken, and scarred... but I'm sure there is a way. There is a healing period that needs to take place that I'm starting now, I'm just not totally sure how to start it...

I keep thinking about this song, I've adopted it as my theme song right now. Hopefully I can shed all this and learn how to fly again...

Blackbird by the Beatles....

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise,

You were only waiting for this moment to arise,

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Photo from Getty Images.

Done!

Had my last cocktail of poison today... it's so nice to be done!

This is my "warrior" picture. Bald head, drawn on eyebrows, no eyelashes, yellowish skin from the chemo, completely totally utterly exhausted eyes... this is me at the bottom.

Just wait till you see me at the top...

My boy...

I miss him... so much! He is on vacation again, and he's been gone since Saturday night. I hate having him go! I miss him so much! I talked to him today on the phone and he told me about a hippo and a tiger... then he told me that he ate some eggies and had some chocolate milk. Then when it was time to hang up he whispered, "Bye bye..." As he handed the phone to his temporary mommy he started to cry.

Absolutely ripped my heart right out of my chest...

I hate this! I hate that I don't feel well enough to have him with me while I do this. The truth of the matter is that the last few treatments have been extremely painful for me. The pain is hard to describe, I've never felt anything like it before. It's in my legs, I can't tell if it's bone pain, or muscle pain, or joint pain... or all of the above. I can feel it in my hip joints and then it shoots down my legs, and this goes on for days and days. When it's just me and Tru, I don't take any pain killers because I refuse to be high on narcotics while I'm taking care of a toddler. But in that much pain I can barely walk, sleep, do anything but moan about it. So the last treatment and this coming treatment have been the only ones that I have been taking pain killers for. It makes a world of difference, but I can't be the responsible adult when I'm on them.

So Tru is gone, and I'm going to get through this last treatment high on pain killers... finally. I'm not planning on it being a good one since they get worse and worse.

But I would rather have my boy here than to take pain killers. It's a matter of survival now, so it is what it is. I just have to keep reminding myself that when he gets back I will be a better mom. I will be able to take care of him the way that I need to. Little by little we will be able to do more and more and it will be so nice. But in the meantime, I'll try to distract myself because I miss him so much...

To shave or not to shave...

Here is a little bit of info for you... I'm not completely bald. I'm sure that many many of you know this, but I didn't realize that you don't lose ALL your hair with chemo, just most of your hair. I shave my head about every other week. I always know that it's starting to look bad when Trent says something like, "Do you want me to shave your head before I leave for class?" Translation, "You're looking a little crazy, let me fix that for you." What a nice husband huh? My father in law told me that I have a lot more hair than he does and I shouldn't worry about it.... he's right, but I have no intentions of walking around town like this...

As much as I hate being bald, I would rather be bald than to be sporting that look. So bald it is! I hopefully will only have to shave it once or twice more.

Emotions...

As I pulled away from the docs today I couldn't stop the tears from rolling...

I only have to do this one more time...

I have done this ELEVEN TIMES!

I'm going to be able to eat a salad soon, I'm going to be able to eat an apple soon. You better believe the first date Trent and I got on post chemo we will be eating sushi... lots of raw sushi (I never realized how much I love raw sushi until I couldn't have it anymore.)

I'm going to be able to go to church.

I'm going to be able to go on a run eventually.

I'm going to feel okay about leaving the house without a hat on... eventually. Even just to take the garbage out.

I've never been in prison before... thankfully... but in a lot of ways I've felt like I've been in prison for a while here. I feel like finishing this will give me my freedom back... freedom from this disease and all that comes with it.

Now that is something worth crying a little about don't you think?

Pancakes...

"Pancakes Mama... pancakes!"

Those were the first words that I was greeted with yesterday. I took a mental note on if I was really awake enough to make pancakes... and I was. So pancakes it was! Tru helped me put all of the ingredients into the bowl. He even stirred and beat the egg. I turned on a little music to serenade our lovely morning and Tru had another request...

"Dance Mama... dance!"

So dance we did. While we waited for our chocolate chip pancakes to bake I held him in my arms and we danced, waltzed, dipped and twirled. It was magical. It was fun. I haven't had such a fun morning in a long time.

But don't worry... as life would have it with a two year old my magical perfect morning was short lived... while I was flipping the last of the pancakes Tru went into the bathroom and colored all over the tub with permanent marker. Bummer.

However, I'm still daydreaming about our morning. I used to take mornings like that for granted. They happened quite often, and though I've always loved dancing with my boy there are many mornings where the best dance moves I can muster are a pathetic head nod. He accepts the bobbing head mom, but he doesn't laugh and squeal to that like he does to a good twirl.

I think that one of the great things that I will take from this not so great cancer journey is to really cherish and enjoy these pure and simple moments with my boy. I'm so lucky to have him. And even though we have a lot of rough moments... the good ones far outweigh the bad.

Another great example... today. I was trying so hard to get us out the door for a little grocery shopping. The day before chemo is always a hard one. I feel like I have so much I want to do before I'm sick for 10 days, but not enough time or energy to do it all. Tru was not cooperating as usual... would not get his shoes on, would not put his jacket on, was running and hiding from me every chance he got. I finally admitted defeat and sat down by the front door and just waited for him. I was to tired to yell, to tired to run after him anymore... I just wanted some groceries! After a minute he came and jumped into my lap, wrapped his little arms around my neck and said...

"I love you Mama! I love you Mama!!" and slathered my face with sloppy kisses. I love this kid. He's so sweet. I'm so glad that I didn't get mad, but just waited. He came around, and the moment was sweet. And yes, we did make it to the store...

Yep... I did...

So I'm not really into the blogging spirit right now. Maybe in a few weeks or something, I don't know. I did just join formspring though... I thought that this might be kinda fun (hopefully, I'm a little scared though honestly).

So if you have a question that you want to ask... go right ahead! Be nice though okay!

Eyelashes...

All of my "cancer friends" who also had Hodgkin's are now done with their treatments and growing their hair and eyelashes back. They look so good!

It makes me really excited for the coming months... that's for sure!

I wanted to document how the eyelashes are looking these days. Some people don't believe me when I said I only had five eyelashes left... maybe I was exaggerating a bit.

Maybe I have like... seven.

Before...

Now...


I'm wearing eyeliner to make it look like I have something going on there... and mascara. Notice how there are no lashes on the outside or in the middle, and they are breaking off all short before they fall out. Crazy... I'll be happy to have those back.