I've been trying to figure out how you go back to living life when you've been sick in bed for A YEAR... It really has been a year, there is very little that has happened in my life in the last year that hasn't involved my health or being sick. We had one glorious week when we went to Washington D.C. to visit Trent's brother and his wife that we did not have a care in the world, we just enjoyed our time and had a lot of fun... then a week later I found the lump, and we were right back into the depths... if you will.
I'm having a bit of an identity crisis I think. Who am I now? How has this changed me? When I think of the "Meg" that I know she is funny, confident, loves to run and exercise, takes good care of her home and family, creative, gets things done.... I feel like I am so far away from the girl that I once was, it makes me so sad.
So how does one pick themselves up and dust off from such events? I feel very broken, and scarred... but I'm sure there is a way. There is a healing period that needs to take place that I'm starting now, I'm just not totally sure how to start it...
I keep thinking about this song, I've adopted it as my theme song right now. Hopefully I can shed all this and learn how to fly again...
Blackbird by the Beatles....
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Photo from Getty Images.
9 comments:
I love this song, and I love the message behind it. I'm glad that it is your theme song. For me, music has always been part of the healing process in my life, whether the healing was from a bad breakup with a boyfriend or just a stressful afternoon.
Can you play "Blackbird" on the guitar?
I'm rooting for you. :)
Ok...reading this post and talking about Beatles songs totally reminds me of when we were at Snow College and you learned how to play "Here Comes the Sun" on your guitar and you would play it for us. I have to tell you that when you would play/sing that song for us, it gave me so much hope because I was searching for who I was and was in a major slump and gained tons of weight in college and didn't date much. Deep down I was so unhappy. That song helped me overcome that unhappiness and figure some things out in my life and feel the "sun". I think you should adopt that song as your theme song because it has been a long, cold, lonely winter, but here comes the sun for you, Meg! I believe in you and your ability to find the sunshine and be happy again. Start slow with one thing that brings you happiness whether that be another trip to DC or wherever, a new sewing project, or a gym membership with fun classes to take, or whatever and build on it. But, I think the most important thing will be to remember patience. Your body and mind has been through so much it is going to take time but slowly but surely you CAN and WILL be strong and happy. If you have one bad day, don't get too discouraged. Wipe that day off the books and move onto the next day and commit to make that day better. Don't give in to discouragement. It is satans greatest tool. I love you Megan! I have so much confidence in you. Thanks for being so open, honest and a good friend.
Thanks for reminding me of that Ang... I love it! I think that my guitar is going to be a big part of this healing process.
wow... i just have to ditto everything ang said. (except the whole bit about snow college)
a day at a time. you are still meg, but it may take a while to get reaquainted.
oh meg, I remember feeling this way, and still do. Feeling like I should be this new changed person forever. GOing from so much praise and comforting words to no words, no comments anymore, no more praise anymore, missing it. Now, struggling with, cancer is over, but I still want to talk about it, are people sick of me talking about it? wanting to tell the whole world "I just went through cancer". Saying or thinking things that I don't like, and thinking, "I'm supposed to be this changed person, a better person, why did I say this or that? I'm so dissapointed in myself". So much struggle. Feeling I need to be smiling and happy, joyful 24-7 now, and I'm not. It's really confusing and hard, BUT- you will figure it out, and it does get better. It does. You will start to not feel the need to talk about it as much, you will start to be ok with not getting as much praise, you will start to realize you don't have to be perfect now that you are done with cancer. It's this strange feeling, where for some reason we think since we went through cancer we need to be a changed, and perfect heroic person from now on. But that's not true. But if you feel like you should have changed and that you haven't- YOU HAVE. YOU HAVE CHANGED, for the better, and even though you might feel like you haven't, because you're not always smiling, or not always sooo grateful for life, you STILL HAVE CHANGED for the better, you are still A BETTER person for going through this, there are so many things about you that will never be the same. The way you look at health, your gratefulness for your body, your idea of service, your testimony of the atonement, your knowledge of pain, therefore being better able to help others and have compassion for them in their pain, these are all things that have been affected and I'm sure magnified in your life. I know what you mean, and it's so hard and confusing, but you will figure it out, and you will eventually become at peace with yourself, give it time. And remember you still haven't completed your 2 weeks, AND- your body has had it's ultimate dose of chemo, you are the most tired, the most exhausted NOW out of all treatments because of how many you've had now, it will take time to feel normal again. My doctor said I won't feel 100% for ATLEAST 6 months. Have you had a party yet? If not, have one. I'll pray for you. Love you.
I think as you start feeling better you will feel more like your old self. But, it is okay to be different too. You are new and improved. You have been through so much, it would be crazy if you didn't change some. I think if you start doing some of the things that you love again, you will also start to feel more like yourself again. You are amazing. You will figure this out. BTW, I love this song too. Ever since I read your post, I have had the song stuck in my head. ;)
Just give it time. Don't do anything you don't feel up to. There is no reason to push yourself. I totally felt that way too. Like Hey! I am done, shouldn't I feel better now? And it is totally not that way. Keep up the good attitude. It will totally get better.
I don't know what to say except that I think you are great and you are a wonderful example to us all.
One of my favorite songs ever. Hopefully you'll be soaring soon!
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