Why do we sometimes place our self worth in our appearance, or our talents, or our ability to take care of ourselves and our families? Especially as women, I think that we try really hard to do it all, be everything to everyone (including ourselves) and when we fall short (or in my case extremely short) we just don't feel like we are amounting to anything? I'm not sure, but I don't like it.
I think I am really feeling the "long term side affects" from the last year and a half of my life. I'm trying to piece myself back together after taking a spin in the blender. It's not so fun all the time.
I'm so glad to be done with cancer (hopefully forever), done with chemo, getting my hair and strength back... but there is so much that I need to piece back together still. So much.
I've always been a fairly confident girl. I think I've pretty much always had pretty high self esteem... until now. Ya, I think that it's safe to say that my self image and self esteem has taken a huge plummet over the last little while and I'm trying to discover how to like myself again. How to be comfortable and accepting of this girl that is left over after all of this mess. It's hard. But most things that are uncomfortable and unfamiliar are hard. I've really noticed in this last week that I have been away from home all day, with other smart and intelligent adults, just how horrible my internal dialect to myself is. I'm horrible to myself. I'm always putting myself down, thinking that whatever I say is stupid, I really don't say very nice things to myself inside of my head and that is not super great for my self confidence now is it?
I never wanted to "let myself go" so to speak. I always prided myself on being healthy, being active, looking good for my husband. It's hard to feel good about your appearance when you have taken that blender ride. I've discovered that in the past I have placed a lot of my self worth in my appearance. So now, I'm finding it hard to like myself when I don't feel good about my appearance. It's not just physical appearance either, I feel like I appear lazy, boring, not fun anymore. It's a hard hole to dig out of.
Thank goodness for Trent. He is constantly reminding me that I need to cut myself some slack. That the events of the year have played an enormous roll on how I look, how I feel, and the whole chemistry of my body, and it will probably take a while before I get back to where I want to be, both emotionally and physically. He always knows what to say to keep me slightly sane.
I was having a hard time with this last week. Feeling pretty crummy about myself. Then my best friend gave me the beautiful reminder that I really needed. She reminded me of a song that we loved when we were in high school. I loved this song so much I even choreographed a dance to it for the Dance Company I was a part of. The dance was about a girl struggling with an eating disorder (I love modern dance...) and it was a beautiful song for that.
The song is called That I Would Be Good by one of my favorite musicians ever... Alanis Morissette. Please listen to this song. It speaks so much truth. I downloaded it after my amazinglyintunedtomyinstantneeds friend reminded me of it, and I could not stop bawling as I listened to the words...
For those of you who didn't want to watch the video... shame! But here are the words anyway...
That I would be good, even if I did nothing.
That I would be good, even if I got a thumbs down.
That I would be good, if I got and stayed sick.
That I would be good, even if I gained ten pounds.
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt.
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth.
That I would be great if I was no longer queen.
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing.
That I would be loved even when I am not myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.
That I would be loved even when I was fuming.
That I would be good even if I was clingy.
That I would be good even if I lost sanity.
That I would be good whether with or without you.
Thank you Corinne... thank you Alanis... those were all words that I have needed to hear in this last little while.
I am still good.
I am still good.
I am still...
Good.
8 comments:
I know what you mean. I keep telling myself that as I have gained a few (well, more than a few) pounds the past year and can't hardly even look in the mirror. I try to tell myself that this life is temporary and when we are all dead and in heaven, how I looked in this life will not matter at all. I love this song. I have loved it since we danced to it in high school. It has so much more meaning now. Thanks for posting the lyrics! Love you, Meg!
(Dang it Max, I just did my makeup. I should have known I'd cry when I read your title.)
You are so loved, even if you don't feel like yourself. You aren't still Good, you're still Amazing.
I always think of this song when I get down and I remember the amazing dance you did. It was definately a very touching routine.
Thanks for sharing. I've never actually heard of this piece before. You are good Meg. No matter what that little voice is trying to tell you. I totally understand the negative self-talk...with all of my physical problems, it's taken years for me to realize that I have worth even if I can't look great. You've been lucky that you've not had to deal with that so much in your life. I hope you realize that you are beautiful and no, you do NOT look lazy in the slightest. You're beautiful...I've always thought so and I still continue to!
I have been thinking about what we said the other night about this topic and what Dr. Laura said. I was trying to figuring out why I 'don't care' about my weight and health. It is because I was working out and eating right to prove to everyone else that I could do it or that I knew what I was talking about. What I need to do is prove to myself that I can do this and implement what I know. I'm buying running shoes today. :D
I love you Meg... Thanks for the reminder... I have not been through what you have but I am still really struggling in life! I have been trying to find myself again... and it is way hard. Thank goodness for awesome spouse, family, and friends. You can do it Megan... and I will too one day! You are awesome!!!
I think all women can relate to this song. We are so hard on ourselves.
oh meg,,,,,,,,,,,, I LOVED this song. It was so perfect. I have never heard it. I love love love it. Thankyou so much for sharing it with everyone. AND- I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I think I might write you an email.
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