My boy...

I miss him... so much! He is on vacation again, and he's been gone since Saturday night. I hate having him go! I miss him so much! I talked to him today on the phone and he told me about a hippo and a tiger... then he told me that he ate some eggies and had some chocolate milk. Then when it was time to hang up he whispered, "Bye bye..." As he handed the phone to his temporary mommy he started to cry.

Absolutely ripped my heart right out of my chest...

I hate this! I hate that I don't feel well enough to have him with me while I do this. The truth of the matter is that the last few treatments have been extremely painful for me. The pain is hard to describe, I've never felt anything like it before. It's in my legs, I can't tell if it's bone pain, or muscle pain, or joint pain... or all of the above. I can feel it in my hip joints and then it shoots down my legs, and this goes on for days and days. When it's just me and Tru, I don't take any pain killers because I refuse to be high on narcotics while I'm taking care of a toddler. But in that much pain I can barely walk, sleep, do anything but moan about it. So the last treatment and this coming treatment have been the only ones that I have been taking pain killers for. It makes a world of difference, but I can't be the responsible adult when I'm on them.

So Tru is gone, and I'm going to get through this last treatment high on pain killers... finally. I'm not planning on it being a good one since they get worse and worse.

But I would rather have my boy here than to take pain killers. It's a matter of survival now, so it is what it is. I just have to keep reminding myself that when he gets back I will be a better mom. I will be able to take care of him the way that I need to. Little by little we will be able to do more and more and it will be so nice. But in the meantime, I'll try to distract myself because I miss him so much...