Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4
I came a cross this scripture the other night during my reading. I love it when you end up reading exactly what it is you need to hear. That seems to be happening to me a lot lately which makes me want to read more and more. Sometime over the summer I decided that I wanted to read the Doctrine and Covenants. I've never read this book front to back before and I'm glad that I'm doing it now. I reminds me that even what I am going through now is nothing compared to what the saints went through to start the church. Or what they went through to settle in Utah. Sometimes I feel bad that not only am I going through chemo and struggling through this, but that I'm also grieving the loss of my baby and the unknown of if I'll ever be able to have more children... and if I do have more children it will be years before I can even go there. But as soon as I dive back into the D&C I'm reminded that my trials are not even comparable to those of the pioneers.
For after much tribulation comes the blessings.... I think that one of the biggest parts of the battle is to have a positive attitude about it, and to continue to turn towards my Father in Heaven for help. I'm not being asked to fight for my religious freedom right now, but I am being asked to fight a different battle. A battle for my life, a battle to keep my family going, a battle to not wallow in depression, but to be a light and a beacon... even if to no one else but myself. To have faith... constant faith. To have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and his plan is perfect.
Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here... this is nothing but my own thoughts on the matter. But I've been thinking a lot about this and I don't think that Heavenly Father gives people cancer... I've had a lot of people say to me, "Oh Heavenly Father doesn't give you more than you can handle, he must have known you could deal with this." Ya, I just don't believe that. I don't believe that he would give someone some horrible disease or problem to teach them a lesson. That does not sound like the loving Heavenly Father that I have come to know. I think that this is part of being human. When we were all up in heaven and there was a battle, between if Lucifer would be our Savior or if Jesus Christ would, the plan was laid out in front of us. Part of the plan that Jesus had was that we would have these human bodies to house our spirits and there would be diseases and trials that our bodies would be subject to. Nobody is immune to that... we knew that there would be a chance that if we got a body that all sorts of horrible things could happen to it. Yes, we've been given guidelines to live by to try and keep our bodies as healthy as we can so that hopefully we don't get diseases or illnesses that are horrible... but there are so many things that our bodies are subject to. I think that maybe that's a big part of why 1/3 of the people up there said, "No way... I'm not going to chance that." And so they didn't.
However... I believe that he knows. He knows everything, the beginning, the end. He knows what trials we will face and how to help us through them. He can't prevent us from going through a lot of things but he can comfort, he can send people and doctors into our lives to help. He can heal... I believe that sometimes we are given more than we could possibly handle on our own, so that we do come to him. So we do let him help carry our burdens for us. So that he can show us his hand in all things and that he does love us and care for us.
I've been reading through my patriarchal blessing a lot to try and understand what Heavenly Father's plan is for me in this life. Have I done everything that I was sent here to do? Is this going to be it? I'm not sure... but I don't think that it is. I don't think that I'm done. I feel like there is more for me to accomplish in this life that I have not yet accomplished. I do however feel like in order to accomplish the things that I need to, I do need to go through some tribulation. I do need to have these experiences that have caused me to understand what it truly means to suffer, to mourn, to experience pain, to plead to my Heavenly Father for help.
I'm gaining a lot of empathy for people who do have illnesses that are constant. Things that they will live with their whole lives. I've been so healthy my whole life... I really had no clue what it was like to be so sick. To walk into the cancer center every other week and willingly sit down in that chair and have them give me chemo is a hard thing to do. Knowing that the next week I will be in constant pain, nauseous, not be able to eat or sleep without medication... I could go on but I wont. It's not an easy thing to willingly submit to. Just as the nasty side affects wear off and I start to feel pretty normal I go back and do the same thing over. And to have such a grim alternative... if I don't do this then the cancer will eventually kill me... that's the reality. I really am learning what it means to endure to the end.
In two weeks I'm going to have another PT scan to see how the cancer is doing. I'm hoping that it's gone, but I don't want to be disappointed if it's still there. I'm hoping for some good news though, whatever it is. I would love a little good news to through into 2009.
Anyway, sorry for all the rambling. These are the thoughts that I've had since reading that scripture a few nights ago. It does give me a lot of hope for what lies after the trials...
