I got to meet baby Dane this weekend. I was a little nervous about how I would feel about meeting him. It was fine, he's a cute little baby.
Then Sunday came around, and we were hanging out at my sister in laws house. She wanted to go take a much needed nap and left Dane in the care of Aunt Kristen. Kristen is amazing, probably the most helpful, responsible, selfless 14 year old I have ever met. However.... Kristen lacks one thing... a mother's touch. Which is totally understandable... can't expect a 14 to have that now can we?
Dane had just been fed but he was fussing quite a bit. So I sat and watched Kristen try to calm the fussy boy while I sat and knit. I let about 20 minutes pass by before I swallowed my pride and said, "Okay Kristen, hand him over."
I wrapped him tight and gave him the ole' rhythmic bum pat to calm him down. He nuzzled his little face into my neck and within moments was sound asleep. I still have it... the mother's touch. Holding this little sleeping boy was a bitter/sweet experience for me. It was sweet in the sense that he was so tiny and cute. What's cuter than a little sleeping newborn? It was bitter in the sense that I really wish I was holding my own baby. If things had not gone the way they have... I would be in my 39th week of pregnancy this week. Which means that sometime this week I would probably be having a scheduled c-section.
I'm not having a baby this week as we all know. I'm trying to be okay with this. In those few months that followed Clayton's birth I kept telling myself, "You can't change what happened, you just have to look forward to the future. In September, you can try for another baby." What got me through those months of heartache and sadness was knowing that in a few months I could try again. It gave me something great to look forward.
I think that they only thing that could probably stop me from doing that is... you've got it. Cancer. Here lies the real test... the test of patience. The test of having to wait to see how my life is going to turn out, to go through cancer, and hope for more children someday. This will be the test my friends. The test will also be to be happy with what I do have, and be grateful for the family that I have been blessed with.
I'm not going to let this situation I am in turn me bitter. I think that we all have to make a conscious effort to be happy in life, regardless of our circumstances. I know that someday, I will understand why this is the path I've been lead down. Why the plan I had for myself was thrown out the window. I don't know the answers to that right now... but I'm going to take what I have and be grateful!
Here is something new to look forward to...
"...yea my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!... there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." (Alma 20-21)
I believe there is opposition in everything. As hard and painful as this time in my life is, I believe that someday there will also be great joy. That is what I will look forward to!
