One of these girls is not like the others...

I know that I've already used this picture on a blog post before but it's the only one I have of us four girls being pregnant or having new babies... This was taken 10 days before Clayton was born.

Three and a half years ago I found out that I was pregnant with my first baby and due in September. We were so excited to start our little family. Something that made it extra fun was that my sister in law Nicole was also pregnant and due in August, a month before me. Nicole and I are very close and I was really excited to be going through our pregnancies together.


Well, as life would turn out, I miscarried that baby at 12 weeks. Nicole when on to have a beautiful little boy named Sam that August. That was hard... it was hard for me to have my pregnancy end and see Nicole have this little boy. When he was born I was still not pregnant, I was not pregnant until this little guy was 6 months old. I was pretty bitter about the whole situation. It wasn't even that I was jealous of Nicole or anything like that, just that I was sad about how my situation turned out at that time.


I feel like I am living in the twilight zone right now... what are the odds of this situation happening again, only worse??


Yes, it is in fact August again, and today Nicole gave birth to a beautiful little boy named Dane. I'm so happy for her. I'm grateful that she had a good pregnancy and that everything went well with the delivery. And once again, I am left as the one with the empty arms. Sad that this September I wont be welcoming home my little boy.


I don't understand why I have to go through this situation again. I'm trying so hard to be happy, and compassionate towards Nicole and to be excited for this new little baby in our extended family... but my heart is so heavy right now.

It's different this time around... before I was sad that I had lost the baby, but I didn't have to name and bury that baby. I wasn't picking out a headstone while she was picking out baby clothes.... sometimes life really isn't fair is it?

I'm a little worried as to how I'm going to feel come Thanksgiving or Christmas time, when there are three new little babes celebrating their first Christmas. Three little babies being passed around the room and being the center of attention (as they should be). I don't know if my heart can handle it. Hopefully a little more healing has gone on by the time that comes around.

One of these girls is definitely not like the others...