Answered prayers...

Baby Clayton's footprints...

The past two weeks emotions can be summed up in one word.... guilt. Lots of guilt. I think that as a human being it's hard to not wonder if there was any way I could have had more control over this situation. It's hard to be put on bed rest, especially with a wild toddler. I keep wondering if I had done things differently on bed rest that maybe my problem would have been resolved sooner and maybe my water wouldn't have broken. Maybe is hard... maybe doesn't change what happened.





I think that the guilt has been one of the hardest parts about this. It's silly really, because there is no way of knowing if I had done anything differently that it would have changed things. It's hard to not have any type of control over something like this. And even if it could have changed things, that's not what happened. Nothing is going to change what happened... So this guilt is pretty pointless, because it just leaves me feeling horrible.





I've learned to be very specific with my prayers. I know that the only person who knows exactly how I'm feeling is my Heavenly Father. Lots of this guilt has been addressed in my prayers. Pleading to somehow feel a little better about what happened. Pleading to have a better understanding of his plan. I've been very blessed. My prayers have been answered very fast and I'm so grateful for that. It's been an interesting thing to experience.





Guilt of what I could have done differently to prevent this is what I was thinking about last week. It was a hard week. My prayer was directly answered on Thursday morning... by my doctor. I had not seen my doctor since before Clayton was born because he was out of town during the whole ordeal. I needed to stop by his office to pick up a form for an insurance claim. I was planning on just going in really fast and getting it over with. The girl at the front desk looked really surprised to see me, and she explained that the day before my doctor told her that he really needed to talk to me and to see if I could come in soon. And there I was, standing at her desk the next morning before she could even call me. She asked if I could stay and talk to the doctor and I said that I could. I really like my doctor. All that he wanted to tell me was that this problem that I had in my pregnancy was a random problem that does not affect my future pregnancies. It was a totally random thing that was just specific to this pregnancy. Of course there is a chance that it could happen again, but it would be just a random problem. That made me feel a little better. He also told me that my water breaking at 21 weeks was another completely random thing to have happen. Even with all of the bleeding that had happened it was still an unexpected thing to have it break that early. He said that it was more likely to have happened later on when the baby was getting heavier. My doctor has the same religious beliefs that I do and he brought me a lot of comfort when he said that some things are completely out of our control and happen for reasons we just don't know about. So we talked about that and then I left... he just wanted to say those two things to me. I have felt a lot better about that since talking to him and I'm grateful that Heavenly Father answered that prayer for me so quickly. It's helped me to let go of some of this guilt and accept that it was out of my control.





Another prayer was answered today. I've also been feeling some guilt for not having a c-section. I realize this might seem really crazy to some of you... but it's true. I've been wondering if maybe I could have given my son a few moments of life outside the womb if he had not had to go through the birth. Even though it was a better option for my recovery, I have felt a little bad about not thinking more about him and those few precious moments that he might have had, the only moments he might have had. In the few minutes that I had with Trent today I told him about this "crazy thought" that was beating me down.





He then told me something that he has not told me before about our sons birth.





He said that he was not planning on telling me this because he thought that I was feeling comforted by the idea that he had died during birth. I did not see Clayton after he was born for about an hour... but Trent watched the whole thing. He told me that he was indeed alive when he was born. He could see his little heart beating through his thin skin. He was alive until the umbilical chord was cut and then his heart became still. I know that in the big picture of things it really doesn't matter when exactly he died, but it does make me feel a lot better. Knowing that he was hanging in there until the very end. That he got to live for a few moments even though he had to go through the birth. I'm also grateful that Trent didn't tell me this until today, because I think that it means more to me today than if I would have known that when it happened. My little baby was a fighter, he did hang in there as long as he possibly could. I'm grateful to know that.





One of the most important things that I have learned so far is that the only person that can ease some of this pain and heartache is my Heavenly Father. I can talk to other people until I'm blue in the face, and it might make me feel better for a while, but it doesn't last. Soon enough the sadness sweeps back in and I'm left feeling the pain of it all. The only person who can help me carry this pain is my God. I'm so grateful that he has not left my side. He does listen to me and the things troubling my heart... and he does answer my prayers.





Come unto me, all of you that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest...





I will not leave you comfortless... I will come to you.





Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you... not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid...








Matthew 11:28 and John 14:18, 27