Last Sunday... crashing after a long hard week... I've been trying to figure out a way to deal with this huge, gaping hole that has settled into my chest. It's pretty painful. I feel so empty... like something is missing. Something is missing, and it's something that I want so badly... my baby. Something that I can't have.
The only thing that I have found that has been remotely able to numb the pain of this hole is my son Tru. To physically hold him, wrap my arms around him. Feel his warm skin and his soft cheeks. I'm so lucky to have this boy.
I don't know how long this empty feeling is going to last. To go from being pregnant to... nothing... is so painful. To not have a baby to hold after a pregnancy is so hard. There are constant reminders that I should have a baby and I don't. My milk coming in was really hard. An extremely painful reminder that I should be nourishing a baby that is no longer around. Going through all of the post partum stuff is hard. All of the plans that I thought I had for the summer are now totally different.
I've been having a hard time with the fact that I will not be having a baby in four months like I thought I was. I'm sure that September is going to be a hard month for me. I'm also having a hard time with the fact that in order to have a baby sometime in my future I'm going to have to try to get pregnant again. I'm terrified of being pregnant now. This pregnancy was so horrible, the thought of possibly having to go through a pregnancy like that again makes me never want to be pregnant ever again. That's something that I'm going to have to work on...
I really do believe deep down all of the things that I have said... about Clayton not being meant for this world. That this was the plan from the beginning and I knew it. Even though I believe that it doesn't make this hole any easier to deal with. It's still there. I still miss him terribly. I still feel like this isn't fair and wish that I didn't have to go through with this.
So for now when this empty feeling seems unbearable, I grab my Tru, and I hold him tight. I remind myself that I really am so blessed to be his mother. I remind myself that I can do this, that somehow the days will pass and I will be able to be okay. I wish that I could say that I was a strong woman who never asked why... but I'm not. I still ask why this had to happen all of the time...
I did another adult thing this week. I finally found a company that guarantees that they can get rid of scorpions and had them come spray. I don't know what I would do if something happened to Tru because of these scorpions. It scares me to death. It scared me before, but especially now. This company came highly recommended, but they say that it will take a while to totally get rid of them. If we are seeing them in the house then it means that they are nesting in the walls... great. I have to do everything that I can to protect my little boy... so we will spray every two weeks and then every month for the next year so that he can be safe.
I think that the reason today has been so hard is because it's Friday. Two weeks since I lost my baby. Friday is suppose to be a fun day, the start of the weekend. But to me, it's just a reminder of what we've lost... Maybe Monday will become my new favorite day...
9 comments:
Hold on tight darling. Don't forget the infamous words of Dori the fish "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." :D
I can't even imagine the emptiness you must feel. Even when your new baby is in down the hall getting tests it's hard not to feel lonely after having them so close to you physically and mentally for such a long time. It's times like these when "enduring to the end" really seems like the most difficult task at hand and you just have to remember to breathe. You and your family are in my prayers.
P.S. It's nice to know that they can spray for scorpions since we're moving to AZ. When I read your scorpion post I became very freaked out.
I tell you what there is no way I can sympathize with what you are going through other than I know it will pass. Time heals the heart and you are so strong and have an amazing husband and an adorable little baby boy to help you through it. I also have another sister she was to be the youngest after my little sister. Her name is Emily and she was stillborn at 5.5 months. I was young like tru though so don't remember other than when my mom talks about it. Things will get better.
I also wanted to say about scorpions I don't know much about them. Other than I was in the pest control business for 2 summers (as a technician) and then one whole year. After they spray you will usually see more since they are disturbing their nests. (ya that sucks). Also just because you are seeing them in your house doesn't mean for sure they are in your walls. We also said that because it's possible they like cool dark places, they come in for water. Scorpains also feed on other spiders and bugs so if you get it helps to get rid of their food source. But it also means they can come in through cracks or other areas of your house. Make sure when they treat your house they treat a good barrier around the base of the home and the eves by the roof. and inside depending on what they are using, what we used just dried out the skin so it was completely harmless to humans. We also used DELTA DUST for the inside of the walls, we would go in through the light switches and plugs taking off the covers and applying in there.
I'm so sorry this is hard. Don't worry about asking why. I think it is a major part of the growing process. If you don't wonder why, you will never learn what you need to learn in order to become stronger. I love you and wish I could take away the hurt you are feeling. Hang in there sis.
I know our situations are not the same, but I know about that empty feeling. I feel it all the time. And I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I could say it will all get better with time, but I dont think that's true. At least not for me.
But it is so nice to know that we can pray and feel peace and comfort whenever we need it. Experiences like this really do bring is closer to Heavenly Father. I have really learned lately that He is the only one who can comfort us in times like this.
Meg, I love your blog because you're so real. And I'm so glad that Tru can ease your pain a little... little boys are amazing aren't they? I can't imagine the emptiness that you have to feel right now and all the healing both physically and emotionally that you have to endure. But I hope you can feel all the love that all your family and friends have for you! Please call if you ever need anything.
I love you Meg. Wish I could give you a hug. Keep hanging in there and hugging that little cutie Tru.
Love you Megan! I don't know what I could say or do to take away some of your pain! But I love you and can't wait until I get to give you a big hug! Hang in there...Lots of love! Kimberlee
I always hate it when people say to me, "There is a reason!" "It will pass...", "Time heals everything..." it doesn't feel that way at all, and I'm sure you kinda feel like slapping people for saying it. I just want you to know Meg, than you help people you may not even know well (like me!) and you probably don't know it. The most loving, caring people never know they're so loving and caring...like you! You've been a strength to me and I know you must feel so weak, not strong at all. But you are loved and I hope, if anything, you know that!
Post a Comment