Blogging...

This is going to be the longest ever nonsense post about blogging. Today feels like a business day, lots of business being taken care of today such as preparing for a burial... so I feel like taking care of some "blogging business" while I'm on a roll.

I've been having a hard time with blogging for a while. I started this blog two years ago and it has truly been a life saver many many times. Most of you know that we live out in the middle of nowhere with no family or close friends for hundreds of miles (we have made some close friends since being here but you know what I mean.) So blogging has been a real wonderful thing in my life which is why I do it. I started this when I was pregnant with Tru so it has been nice to have my family and friends see what is going on in my life and see my little boy even though they are far away. We lived in Hawaii for a few years so it's been a great way to keep in touch with our friends that we have made there. We have so many great connections all over the place and blogging really has been a great blessing to me so that I can stay in touch with so many wonderful people even though I have felt very alone living out here in the middle of nowhere.

Blogging has also been great because as a stay at home mom it's been a way that I can connect with other moms and feel like I'm not just stuck at home with a baby all day. I get my adult interaction and other human interaction through blogging and it has been so wonderful. It's a great outlet for me to share my ideas and creations, cute pics of my boy, and so many other things. I also love following all of your blogs, I have been so inspired in my life by so many people I know and don't know and it's been though blogging! I can't believe that it has become such a huge part of my life but it really has and for the most part (aside from the occasional rude "anonymous" comment) a really wonderful thing.

The hard time I've had with blogging started when I became pregnant with Clayton. The same week that I found out I was pregnant two of my close friends lost their babies to miscarriage. I was very sensitive to that having gone through that myself. I didn't want to blog about being pregnant for a few reasons. One because I knew the pain that my friends were experiencing and I didn't want to make them feel bad by my happiness of being pregnant, and two I didn't really want to talk about it until I was "in the clear" (ya right...) of that first trimester. As soon as I was supposedly in the clear was when my problems with the placental tear started. That has been the forefront of my life for a few months now, and you know that whatever is on your mind you usually craft a way to blog about it. I was happy to be pregnant, but it was a very hard time and I didn't want to sound like I was complaining or bore you all with the personal details of what that really meant in my life. So I'm sure that all of you faithful readers (all 10 of you ;)) noticed that my once busy blog of 2-3 post a day at times dwindled quite a bit.

Like most other bloggers I've wrestled with the idea of going private, tried to keep as much personal information out of this as I can, while still sharing some parts of my life with you. Last week I took my anonymous comment option off because I was really tired of it. I was done with the random rude comments, even though I liked the chase of figuring out who it was, it hurt.

I've had a lot on my mind this week as you all can imagine. I hate to admit this but blogging has been a big stress I've been thinking about. There are two blogs that I have been following that are with girls who have had stillborn babies. I was never sure why it was I was following them but I can tell you that right now I am so grateful that I have. It's so hard to go through this. I can't even describe the pain that I am experiencing right now. I never imagined that loosing a baby in birth like that could be this painful. I've lost a baby before through miscarriage and that was very painful but this is a whole different story. I've been very grateful this week that I have had those two girls to reflect back on, all because I have followed their stories on their blogs. That is the ONLY reason why I have not made this blog private... the only one. When I first left the hospital there was no question in my mind that I was going to make this blog private, because I only wanted those people in my life who I knew cared about me and loved me be able to see this side of me that is now my reality.

However... the days have past and I've been thinking about it. At first I wanted to write everything out on here, the birth story, the insights that I've had, the pain, the happiness (is there any??? Still wondering about that one...) but this is the decision that I have come to... I'm not going private. I'm still going to write on this blog. It's going to be different. Before when I would write about my life and what we did I feel a change in the wind and I think that it's going to be more about my feelings than anything. I do feel like I need a place to vent my feelings, because there are a lot of them that you go through when you are grieving in life as many of you sadly know. I can't promise anything... I can't promise that it's going to be happy any time soon. I'm going to try to find the happiness that there is in life because there is so much of it. But I really feel like I need to express some of these feelings that I am going through and this experience.. and I am going to try to do it in a creative, eloquent way...

I have a lot of attention right now. I'm surrounded by friends, family (through the phone at least...) and lots of meals showing up at my door. Oh and the flowers... beautiful beautiful flowers. I know that in the coming weeks the attention is going to fade, the shock will wear off and people will go about their busy lives and I know that I'm going to be dealing with this for a long time. I need a place to be me. I need a place to still talk about it, still validate what I'm going to be feeling, a place where I can write what I need to write and not really care about what people think about me. I'm choosing to have this be that place.

As for all of your blogs... Something that has been a huge relief to me right now has been my BFF Google Reader!!! I can't tell you how much I love that handy place. When I need a break from the crying, the planning, the sadness, I come and look at the rest of your lives. Something that I fortunately have learned through the experience I had with my miscarriage is that I can still be happy for the good things going on in other people's lives and that really does not affect my life. I am so happy for the birth of Tyler this last week to my good friend Christina. I can't wait to try the Stuffed Turkey Meatloaf that Hannah posted about. Yes, I too watched The Bachelorette and have read through all of your posts about the weird foot guy and the cute pilot. I'm still here. I'm still keeping up on all of you. I feel very happy that my friends are living good happy lives and that they are doing the things that I look forward to doing in the future such as going to the park, making dinner, and sewing a new quilt instead of what I'm doing this week. I haven't been able to bring myself to comment on any of your blogs. I hope that you can forgive me. I've tried a few times, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm sorry. I'm happy for all of you. Maybe next week I can, but not right now. So please allow me to still peek into your lives and be happy with you in my own silent way. I know sometimes it's hard to post and not get any comments after taking the time to type it all out. I don't expect any of you to leave comments on here, I can't expect anyone to do something I'm not able to do. But if you do... I might just love you that much more ;). Thank you all for being understanding.

PHHHHEEEWWWW.... that was a long one. I don't know that anyone will have made it through to this point but if you did thank you. I feel a lot better now that business is taken care of. Thank you for supporting me. Now... I have more business to take care of... so I am off to sew a lining to put in my little sons coffin. I wasn't feeling the pink/blue/green teddy bears with sunglasses that the mortuary had to offer. I'm grateful today that I know how to sew...