Cancer signs...

At Clayton's funeral my brother in law David gave me a gift. David, being the self proclaimed music snob that he is gave me a mixed cd of songs about grief. All the songs on there deal with some type of grief... some songs are uplifting and some songs are down right sad. There is one song called On the Floor of the Great Divide that is just beautiful. Such a beautiful sad, sad, sad, song. It's a song about a girl who dies of bone cancer. I don't know why David chose to put this song on there, but every time it played, I would just cry and cry. It totally sent my already abundant emotions totally over the edge. To calm myself down I would say to myself, "Meg, you did lose a baby, but your life is good. It isn't the worst thing in the world that could happen! It's not like you have cancer or something..." I'm being totally serious here, I would really say that to myself as I listened to this sad song.

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Then there were the two girls blogs that I found during that time. Both with Hodgkin's. My friend Selkie actually blogged about me losing Clayton and her friend Lena with cancer in the same post one day. I remember thinking to myself... well I did lose a baby but it could be worse... I could have cancer or something and I don't so I need to be grateful.

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My friend gave me a book to read the week that Clayton died, it's called The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I'm sure many of you have read this or heard about it or saw him on Oprah. It's a lecture that was given by a man who was dying of pancreatic cancer and it's about the lessons he learned living life. This book sat on my shelf from May until August untouched. Then for some reason I got the urge to read one night (which rarely happens) and I started reading it. I didn't get very far. Instead of reading it trying to grasp some great knowledge on how to live my life better I read it with the fear already planted in me that I probably had cancer and was going to die. Not a good moment to start reading that book. But yet again, stuck in those few short months was yet another "cancer sign".

Okay -

Now my purpose of all this is that I find it really strange that I lived a great deal of my life not thinking much about cancer. I've had a few older friends die from cancer. I knew of people who had cancer. I thought about it every once in a while when I went in for my yearly girl parts exam or thought about tanning in a tanning bed and then remembered that I don't tan and I would probably just be giving myself cancer. So why then as soon as this little angel baby of mine was gone from this world did cancer signs start knocking on my door? Really, there were multiple occasions that this happened and putting the pieces together I was finding it pretty weird...

Then one night I read the following scripture which instilled a belief in me that I already secretly believed...

And he that seeketh signs shall see signs, but not unto salvation. Verily, I say unto you, there are those among you who seek signs, and there have been such even from the beginning; But, behold, faith cometh not by signs, but signs follow those that believe. Yea, signs come by faith, not by the will of men, nor as they please, but by the will of God.

D&C 63:7-10

I've always been a believer in signs. Why? Because for some reason I've always noticed them. I'm not sure why, but there have always been little things like this that have popped up and it just seems too crazy to be a coincidence. Much too crazy. I realize that some of you reading this might think this is really crazy... but that's okay with me! This scripture really hit me when I read it, and I think it's because I finally didn't feel crazy for paying attention to the little knocking that I get like this.

I've had a lot of down time lately and it's given me a lot of time to think about my life and my relationship with Heavenly Father. I do feel that he is my father. That we have a father/daughter relationship. I go to him for advice, for comfort, for questions, for peace... lots of peace. I go to him just to tell him about my day and the things on my mind, much like I would my own father. In return he gives me answers, peace, promptings, people on my doorstep literally answering my prayers (I love it when that one happens). It's a relationship, and like all relationships each member has to give and take. He can't just call me on the phone when he needs to tell me something, he can't hop on his white stallion and ride on over. That's where I think the signs come in. He does try to communicate with us if we are willing to listen.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this post other than I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's 1:17 AM and I can't sleep tonight. Or maybe someone needed to hear this, and that's why I can't sleep tonight, I'm not sure. But either way... I now realize why the cancer signs were coming at me in those short three months. I think that he was trying to soften the blow of the freight train that was barreling at me at record speed. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was there. And here I am, ten months later, connecting the dots. I'm grateful. I'm so grateful for this. Because it tells me that my Heavenly Father loves me, he is mindful of me, he does care about me and the things that are going on in my life. He wants me to be happy and to turn to him for peace and comfort in my times of need which I have learned to do. Most importantly, it tells me that he knows how to speak to me in a way that I will recognize and listen to him. I think that we all feel and recognize the spirit in different ways, but that he will speak to us in the way that we will listen to him if we are willing. He is my Father, and I am his daughter.

He has great things in store for me... I know this.

I hope that you all know this too...