I can do hard things...

Today was a rough one... that's for sure. I had a feeling that it might be, but I had no idea. You see, I had to do my pulmonary test today. The test in itself was no big deal, you breath into this machine for a while and it tests your lung volumes etc. No biggie. The part I was nervous about was that I had to do the test in the same hospital that I had Clayton in...

My new doc's office is right across the street from this hospital. The only association I have with it is that I lost my little boy there. Worst day of my life... I didn't think that actually going in there would be that big of a deal. I was so wrong!

Walking in the front door was hard, going down the hall and up the elevator also. So many memories that I've been pushing aside came flooding back. At least the respiratory department was on the second floor and maternity is on the fourth floor. I wouldn't have to see the place or any of the same nurses/doctors.

So I'm sitting there in the hallway waiting for my test at 7:30 AM... when I look up to see my OB walking down the hall with his entourage of medical students. You've got to be kidding me!!! The only thing on this floor is the stroke unit and the respiratory department... what is he doing here? As he walked past he said, "Hi, how are you." Totally didn't recognize me. He walked about halfway down the hall and turned around... he recognized me. He kept going his way though which I actually appreciated. Of all the people to see in the five minutes I spent sitting in the hall it had to be him! I really like my doctor, but as you can imagine most of my "memories" of him involve Clayton.

I managed to make it through my test and out the front door before I lost it. I did not make it to my car like I had hoped... but it's a hospital. People cry at the hospital right? The last time I had walked out of there I walked out forever changed... leaving my little baby behind.

So what should have a been a simple, routine pulmonary test turned into something much more. I know that I have totally suppressed my feelings on losing this little boy. I feel like it happened 10 years ago instead of 8 months ago. I sort of feel like I have to though, I don't think that I can handle both cancer and my grief over Clayton at the same time. It's just way way way too much.

But then I have moments like today where my reality hits me so hard I'm forced to face it... the whole big nightmare of a picture. It's hard, it's not fun.

So my point of this is that I knew that today was going to be hard. I've been dreading the day I would have to go back into that place where it all took place... secretly hoping that I would never ever have to go back there. But I did it. It was hard, but I made it through.

I heard this saying a while ago, "I can do hard things" and I've sort of adopted it for the time being. Some things in life are just so hard to do, but we do them anyway. As painful and depressing as somethings can be... we can do them. And hope that somehow we come out on the other side stronger, better, more understanding. But hard things can be done... they can.