I decided this last weekend that I was ready to jump back into life again. Friday night I went to our ward's spaghetti dinner fundraiser. Saturday I went and got my bangs trimmed. Sunday I went to church and on Monday I tried to help a friend work on a sewing project. Here is what I learned...
... I wasn't ready. It was too soon.
I feel like a zombie walking around. I wasn't prepared for how awkward everything would be. I don't really know what I was expecting. I figured that I would have to start doing regular things at some point, might as well get it over with. Not smart... really.
Friday: The spaghetti dinner. I went to that mainly for Trent. He is one of the young men's leaders in our ward and it was a fundraiser for the young men. Had Trent been able to sit with me at the table it would have been different, but he was in the kitchen helping most of the time. So I was trying to wrangle Tru and it was a joke. There were just so many people there and it was really strange. This was the first time that most of these people have seen us since we lost Clayton. Everyone was really nice, but it's just hard to know what to say. It's hard for them to know what to say and it's hard for me to know what to say. "How are you doing?" How am I suppose to answer that? I'm fine (which is a total lie...), not so good, I've been better.... ya, I really wasn't sure what to say. I almost left about 3o minutes into it because it was just really hard, but I stuck it out. Once Trent came back out it was a lot better.
Saturday: Trent wanted me to go out and do something nice for myself. All I really cared to do was go get my bangs trimmed. So I went to the Koren girl that did such a good job last time. It was quick, about two minutes start to finish. As I was getting up to leave she asked, "So when is your baby due again?" She had remembered me from the time before, and we had talked about my being pregnant. Again, I didn't know what to say... "I already had him, and he didn't make it." Was all I could get out before I burst into tears. I felt so bad. I wasn't expecting that. I feel bad that it made her feel bad because it wasn't her fault... she didn't know.
Sunday: I went to church, and it was really nice. Even though it felt weird and there was lots of staring going on, I'm really glad that I went. The Sunday School lesson was about the Plan of Salvation, which was perfect. Something that has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. I really felt like that lesson was just for me. The last hour was priesthood/relief society combined and we watched a talk that Elder Bednar had given the beginning of May called Things as They Really Are. This talk was amazing in so many ways (I think that it's a must read... seriously!) The talk is actually about the influence that different media and online gaming has on our bodies, spirits, and relationships. However, in the beginning of his talk he goes into great depth about the importance of our bodies. The importance of gaining a body... I felt very strongly, once again, listening to his talk that my little boy just needed a body. Another talk that was just for me. So on that note, church was great. The hard part about going to church was there were so many people... it's just a little overwhelming right now. Lots of fake smiles on my part... I just don't know what to say honestly. I really appreciated what one girl said to me.... she just simply said, "I'm really happy to see you here today." That meant a lot.
Monday: I told my friend that I could help her make a very special Father's Day present for her hubby and son. Something that is totally and completely in my capability to do.... so I thought. I left the carseat in the car, along with my phone, which Trent took to work. Both things that were pretty important to my going to the fabric store with her. We used Tru's old carseat instead. Then I left a very crucial part of the pattern we are using at home, so we couldn't measure out exactly what we needed. We came back home to measure everything out and I realized that I had left the other very crucial piece to the pattern... on the counter at the store. My brain has turned to complete mush. This might seem fairly insignificant to many people, but not to me. One of my biggest strengths is that I have a terrific memory. I rarely forget things. I'm not perfect, so I occasionally loose my keys or something else but it honestly doesn't happen often. I felt so bad that I had wasted so much of my friends time today. I felt bad that I told her that I could help her do this and then completely fell apart. I feel bad that today, I couldn't pull it together to do a few simple things like measure out a pattern.
So that's when I decided that it was all too much... I'm not ready. Too much... too soon. And you know, that's okay.
So for the rest of the day.... I took a nap, watched lots of t.v., went on a walk, did some dishes (cause really, that takes not too many brain cells), read Tru some books with lots of one syllable words in them, made hot dogs for dinner, and sat and watched the Bachelorette. I'm taking how I feel about this weekend as a sign that it's okay to not be ready. I need to take my time.
And when I am ready, I think that I might dye my hair brown or something, so that people will have something else to talk to me about and it might not be so awkward...
mom + dad
my boy
baby clayton
Naturally Meg
10 comments:
you'll get there meg. just take it one day at a time. no one expects you to jump back into life and pretend like nothing happened. take all the time you need :)
still thinking of you often!
Big hugs to you Megan.
It's so hard to get back to your normal life after something so difficult happens. Luckily, usually the first time you see people after something like this is the worst. It gets better, I promise. I have noticed that when I feel the worst, some television show will always take my mind off whatever is bothering me so I'm glad you watched the Bachelorette. I love you, Meg!!!
Bachelorette= no brain cells needed (to watch it or be on it!) :) I'm glad you've decided to take it easy. A lot of people wouldn't know themselves well enough to step back when they needed a break. You've been through so much, and you're right, it's okay to not be ready. I love you and constantly think about you. Brunette max however? I do not support that decision :)
I agree, brunetts are fun. :D
I just wanted to let you know- I love your blog. I know you don't know me but I wanted you to know the strength I see in you. You are such an inspiration and I admire you so much with all you are going through. Thank you for not going private, you have touched more of us than you know...
Give it time.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
*Jamie
Love you lots Megan! Take it easy!
Miss Meg,
It must be incredibly difficult to pick back up again. You'll get there...until then, I'm all for the brown (sorry Ashley:)
I don't know if you remember by sister Abby's funeral, or anything associated with that. (You'd turn three about six weeks later - I was thirteen.) Anyway, the Sunday after the family was gathered at your house. At one point I could see that your dad had a song sitting on the piano he'd written about Abby.
That was a little too much for me to handle at the time. But a rubber ball, and you, were outside, so we played catch until I was sure your dad was done with the song. Nonetheless, I was a bit of a zombie myself for a year or two after that - just in time to start high school.
The objective with pain is to remember it, but not to dwell on it. Just remember that suffering is the consequence of an imperfect world. Heavenly Father has a vested interest in our overcoming it, but sometimes we have to recognize how much we need His help with that.
John - Thank you so much for this comment. I don't remember any of that, but I am really glad that I was able to help you at that time with a little game of catch. I really appreciate this quote about pain. This really means a lot to me.
Post a Comment